MEGGILAT ESTER: Behind the Harem
MEGILAT ESTER
It happened in the days of Achashveirosh . . .
(A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away . . .)
Perek Aleph: Old King Achashveirosh was a merry old soul, and a merry old soul was he. He ruled Persia’s and Media’s 127 provinces, from Hodu (where the Indians lived) to Koosh (where the Kooshies lived). Ach, as his drinking buddies called him, was the son-in-law of Cyrus the Great, King of Persia. Ach had married into the family when Cyrus’s daughter, Vashti, met him at a frat house keg party. Cyrus sent him to law school, and was disappointed when the heavy drinker could only manage a “C” average. He also got in trouble by steeling one of the opposing school’s mascots.
Ach decided to throw a big party for all of his ministers and employees instead of their holiday bonus. In the middle of that party, the king decided to throw another party in honor of the first party. It’s a wonder that Persia and Media ever dominated the world given that all they did was party all day. During the course of the party, the servants were ordered to give the guests everything they wanted. Since everyone was a guest, though, there were no servants but old Ach was too drunk to notice. As a result, things got pretty chaotic at the party, which was common for Persian merrymaking.
By the fifth day of the revelry, when the booze and vomit were flowing freely, Ach decided that he wanted his wife, Queen Vashti, to strip for all of his guests and maybe engage in some lesbian action with some of the royal wenches. Rashi says that Haman, who was already planning his rise to power, gave this suggestion. Ramban says it was Opie and Anthony. Rashi adds that in addition to his wife, Ach called for his pipe, he called for his bowl, and he called for his fiddlers three. In any event, Vashti refused to come unless the men promised to put bills in her thong of denominations of at least $10 or more. She also demanded that Ach come and strip for the party she was having for the women. Surprisingly, nobody thought that it may make for a better party if it was coed.
Ach was furious that Vashti was making demands in order to strip, and sent word to remind her that she had been working at Scores when they had met. She sent word back that he was a lousy tipper, and that now she wanted $20’s. That did it for Ach: he flew into a rage, closed down the buffet and told everyone to get the hell out of his house. Unfortunately, the clean-up crew also left and Ach spent the rest of the night scrubbing vomit and guacamole stains out of his expensive Persian rugs. Vashti was pissed and forced Ach to sleep on the couch for the evening. She also refused to “give him any” from that day forward.
The next day Ach called convened the Persian National Crisis Counsel to deal with the catastrophe of Ach not getting laid. Several things emerged from this meeting: First, the Nationwide Intercourse Ban act (NIB) went into effect at 3:47 p.m., Shushan standard time. If the king wasn’t getting any, neither would any other man. Chaos ensued when thousands of men raced home at 3:30 for one last quicky. Second, Parsasith the advisor was barred from eating the doughnuts before anyone else got there since he never contributed for the snacks and always took too many. Third, Memuchan the advisor suggested that they impeach Vashti and that she be punished by having to watch 500 hours of pro-wrestling. Instead, an agreement was reached whereupon Vashti resigned the Queenancy effective noon tomorrow. Local news coverage showed her climbing aboard the Queen’s helicopter and waving to the crowd with both hands over her head, and a smile on her face. The king also sent letters to every man in his kingdom informing them of how to keep their bitches in line. Ach was not pleased, however, when he realized that this meant that he had to send out over thirty million letters, and write each one by hand. Ramban says the king kvecthed a lot each night when his advisors told him he had to write a few more.
Perek Bet: The day after that, the king realized that Memuchan had not really solved the problem of him not getting any. So, he reconvened the National Crisis Counsel. At this meeting, it was suggested that the king round up all of the beautiful women in the kingdom and select one to be the new queen. Rashi says that the king was considering this suggestion until another one of his advisors, Ron Jeremy, suggested that the king sleep with a different one each night and chose the queen on that basis. The king was very enthusiastic about that part of the plan, though he denied Ron’s request to tape each encounter. To get all the women to the palace, the king’s servants put up billboards announcing that the king was giving away free gift certificates to Bath and Body Works and free copies of the first season of Sex and the City. Very soon after that millions of women showed up pounding on the doors.
It so happened that a man named Mordechai lived in Shushan at the time. The Megillah tells us all about his background, but we really couldn’t give a rat’s ass about it. It so happens that Mordy was a bit light in the pants, as they say, and loved watching Sex and the City while sitting in a tub of lavender bubble bath (the Megillah does imply that he was not married, after all). So, he sent his niece to the palace to pick some up for him. His niece’s name was Haddasah, but Mordy didn’t want anyone to know that she was Jewish. So, naturally, he gave her another Jewish name, Ester. Mordy was a pretty low-watt bulb.
Mordy instructed Ester never to tell anyone that she was Jewish, even though she had a shnoz like Jimmy Durante and always double parked in front of Chaimowitz when she went shopping for flanken. She also spoke only Yiddish. Ester showed up at the palace and was immediately escorted over to the palace beauty shop and given a full Jenny Jones-style makeover. When she asked why she needed a makeover to pick up some videos and gift certificate her attendants said that there was a little something she needed to do before they gave her the videos and soap.
That night, Ester was led into a dimly lit bedroom with a leopard-skin pattern bedspread, candles, and Luther Vandross playing on the stereo. Ach came into the room, wearing nothing but a pair of Speedos. Rashi says that it was a miracle of the Reebono Shel-Olam that the Speedos were able to stay on over his enormous butt. Ester, who like any frummy girl had never been told about marital relations, was unfazed. The night passed and Ach chose Ester, who was somewhat shell-shocked the next morning, as his new queen.
Some time later Mordy, who performed mime and worked a three-card-monte table outside the palace gates, overheard two palace guards, Bigsan and Teresh, bad-mouthing Mordy’s favorite hockey team. Mordy grew more a more furious the more they talked, especially since his team hadn’t made the playoffs in four seasons. So, Mordy went to Ester and told her that the two guards were planning on killing the king. Ester reported the matter on Mordy’s behalf and Bigsan and Teresh were arrested, given a three and a half-minute trial, convicted, and hanged. Mordy, who snickered gleefully at the execution, was recorded as the savior in the records.
Perek Gimmel: After these things came to pass, Achashveirosh promoted Haman, son of Hammedasah, the Aggagite to the position of Viceroy, meaning assistant to Roy (as explained in Parshat Miketz). In truth, Ach wanted to promote someone more qualified, but under Title IX he had to have some minorities in higher positions. He also had to deal with that the civil rights lawyers who would argue discrimination if an Aggagite wasn’t given a position of authority. The king also ordered that everyone had to bow and kneel before Haman. Unfortunately, the king didn’t quite realize that the word “everyone” in the law included himself, and he was pissed when he had to bow to his subordinate. But, the law’s the law.
Now, old Mordy and Haman had known each other back in college in Israel prior to moving out to Shushan. They both had gone to Bar Eilan University, and Mordy had been Haman’s frat sponsor in the fraternity Alpeph-Reish-Nun (ani ro’tze nashim). Part of frat rules is that a brother never has to do anything a former younger pledge tells him. So, Mordy decided to not bow to Haman, always flashing his old ARN frat ID card at him. Haman was furious that Mordy wouldn’t bow to him. He also hated mimes. And, he also recalled the times during Haman’s initiation that Mordy and the other older Jewish members of the fraternity stuffed his head into a toilet after ten of them had used it. Rashi says ten men used it so that there would be a minyan.
Haman decided that this would be a good time to kill all the Jews, who had never let him take part in their fun rituals such as fasting, praying, and refraining from sexual relations for 99% of their lives. And since he hated mimes he figured that this would be a good way to kill two birds with one stone. Haman, however, couldn’t decide when to do it (he was terribly indecisive). So, he had a lottery held to pick the day. Rashi says that in truth Haman couldn’t remember the names of any months, or even count past four and was just too embarrassed to tell anyone. The lot was cast, and it fell on next Thursday, the 23rd day of Tishrei. However, Haman suddenly declared “Next Thursday? That’s Simchas Torah!” (Watch the movie Top Secret if you don’t get it). Haman ordered the lot cast again as he realized that if he killed all the Jews before Musaf on Simchas Torah he wouldn’t be able to get a pekeleh from the candy man in shul. So the lot was the lot was cast again, but this time it fell on March 17th, and Haman didn’t want to upset the St. Patrick’s Day celebrations with a little bloodshed. The lot was cast 47 more times until finally, it landed on the 14th day of Adar. Haman quickly checked and decided that this may be the only good day on the entire calendar to commit genocide.
Haman now went to king Achashveirosh and told him that he wanted to kill a few million people. Ach, who was quite drunk and in the middle of the Twilight Zone Marathon , said no problem and told Haman not to bother him. So Haman wrote up a bill that decried that all the Jews should be killed, annihilated, and wiped out on the 14th day of day of Adar – especially Mordy. In addition, the Jews would no longer be sold any television sets with screens over 25” in diameter. Haman also tacked a rider onto the bill giving himself a raise and eliminating the tax on dividends and capital earnings. Those last provisions were cut out in the meetings of the Shushan Congress’s Genocide Committee, and only the Kill-All-Jews and TV sections made it into law. Haman celebrated with a triumphant jig.
Perek Daled: Mordy, while working his card table, heard about what had happened and immediately put on sack-cloth and ashes to make himself look more disheveled in a hope of dredging up more sympathy business. He began to wail that he would now not be able to get that 56” flat-screen TV he had wanted. He then began to mime his sorrow for pennies.
When Ester heard that Mordy was crying in the street, she immediately sent a servant to find out what was wrong. When she heard, she sent Mordy a 36” TV, but Mordy refused it saying that what was the point seeing how his hockey team didn’t qualify for post-season play yet again. Mordy then beseeched Ester to approach the king and beg him to retract the ban on TV sales to Jews. Also about that genocide thing. Ester hesitated at this request, knowing that the only thing that the king loved as much as drinking was a good genocide. The only way to get him to change his mind would be to sleep with that fat oaf, something she had not done since the first night that had been together. The Rishon L’Tzion claims that it was another hidden miracle of G-d that Ester not sleeping with her husband didn’t tip him off that she was Jewish.
Perek Hey (Hey!): Ester put on her sleaziest outfit from Frederick’s of Hollywood and approached the throne room. Once inside, she saw Ach was getting it on with one of the chambermaids, which explained why he never seemed to have a desire for Ester. A bit ashamed, Ach offered Ester half the kingdom if she would just forget about it, and not mention it to any of the tabloids. Rashi says that it was an election year, and Ach had only a narrow lead in most polls. Ester said that instead Ach and Haman should come to a kegger that she was going to throw later that day. Ach, who would have agreed to anything now rather than be dragged into divorce court, agreed, and sent for Haman. At the party, Ach could see that Ester was still peeved and offered her half the kingdom again. One of his advisors approached him and told Ach that he has already given half the kingdom away to about seventy different women, and that there may not be much left to give. So, Ester asked Ach to bring Haman to another party with even more booze the next day. Ach agreed.
Haman now left the palace and saw Mordy miming. Mordy still refused to bow and steam blew out of Haman’s ears like Yosemite Sam. He screamed “Oooooo, I hate that Mordy!” with a curious southern drawl. Rashi says that another miracle of G-d is that Haman didn’t think to have one of his forty heavily-armed body guards just kill Mordy on the spot on this or any other occasion. When he got home, his wife Zeresh was bitching that she wanted to go to the Bahamas for vacation, bit Haman wasn’t listening. When she asked him what was wrong he said Mordy wouldn’t bow to him, and that made him mad. Haman then threw a major temper-tantrum. Suddenly, Haman said he knew what to do: he would make a tremendous gallows and hang a sign on it that says “Mordechai is a putz” so the whole city would know that Mordy is a putz. Zeresh then suggested that instead of a sign, they hang Mordy and Haman liked that idea even better. He had his ten boys begin to make the gallows, except for his gentle son Freddo who had been sent to Vegas to learn the casino business.
Perek Vav: That night, Ach couldn’t sleep. Rashi says he was hung-over, but we really didn’t need Rashi to tell us that. As he lurched over the toilet Ach once again swore to himself that he will never have another drink. He then called for his servants to read him a bedtime story. But the king was tired of Goodnight Moon and Little Red Riding Hood, so he asked for them to read him something else. The servants began to read about all the nice things that people did for the king. The king was pleased when he heard how many people signed a petition saying how much they loved their leader. The servant mentioned under his breath that it helps that the king usually has someone hold an sword to the person’s head and assure them that either their brains or their signature will be on the petition.
Soon, they got to the point where Mordy had tattled on Bigsan and Teresh. The king asked what was done for this man, and the servants said nothing. The king sat up in bed and decided that something must be done for a man who saved the king’s life. The servants suggested giving him lots of money, but the king said “No, we won’t be doing that.” The servant then suggested that they not kill him in the upcoming holocaust as he was a Jew, but the king felt that Mordy would want to be a good sport and participate.
It so happened that Haman was walking by the palace now when the king saw him. Ach called out to Haman to come in and help him with something. Ach asked him what should be done for a man whom the king wants to honor. He also mentioned that money was definitely out of the question unless someone else wanted to be the donor. Haman, who had always wanted a pony, suggested that the man be given a horsy ride around the city in silly, colorful clothes. “Great!” said the king. “That takes care of that!” and sent Haman out to give Mordy a horsy ride for saving the king’s life. So, Haman took Mordy out on a pony around the city a few times and then went home to sulk. Mordy thought it was a pretty shitty gift.
Perek Zayin: Haman and Ach arrive at Ester’s kegger the next day. Ach is thrilled that he had chosen a wife who apparently has as big a drinking problem as he does. They’re chugging away and Ach is about to ask Ester to get naked when he remembers the problems he had with Vashti. Instead, he asks her what was wrong, as she still seemed upset. She starts to cry and tell him that there is someone who is planning on killing her and her people, not to mention has banned the sale of all TV’s over 27” to them. The king, who was aroused by Ester’s tears and would say or do anything to get her in the sack, asked “Who is this, and this be who?” as he was drunk. Ester said it was Haman, and the king shook with alcohol poisoning as he had now had one tequila too many. The king left the room to go throw up and Haman threw himself on Ester to plead for forgiveness and Knick’s season tickets. When the king returned, he thought Haman was trying to put the moves on his girl. In truth, the king was not all that upset with the genocide plan, as he had okayed it himself, but nobody hits on his babe while he’s in the house. Just then Charvonah, one of the king’s butlers, said that Haman also planned on hanging Mordy, the mime, on a gallows outside his house. The king, who loved mime, ordered Haman hung from it. Rashi tells us it was by his testicles.
Perek Chet: With Haman dead, the king gave Mordy Haman’s old house, position in the government, and set of golf clubs. Ester now pleaded with Ach to retract the old law barring the Jews from buying new TVs. And also the genocide thing. The king, who was drunk again, said that a law could not be retracted once made, though nobody understand why given that the king had absolute power. Besides, Ach was all set to hang out on the balcony on his beach chairs and a brewsky in the coming month of Adar to watch some serious slaughtering. So, he said that the Jews should kill people, he didn’t care who, just so long as lots of people died and he could drink while watching it. Ester and Mordy wrote it into a law and everyone was happy. Except for the people who died.
Perek Tet: The Jews went out and killed just like they were told. The Meggilah tells us they didn’t touch any of the spoils of war. Instead, they took all the new, fresh stuff (who wants spoiled stuff, anyway?). They also decided that it wasn’t fair that non-Jews had a Halloween while they got nothing, and so they dressed up in costumes and sent goody-bags to each other. They sent:
Bakery Hamantashen and
Mushy Apples and
Kedem Grape Juice and
Chocolate Wafers from Pashgez and
Peanut Chews and
Super Snacks and
Hershey’s Kisses and
Leiber’s Potato Chips and
Tangerines with Too Many Pits and
Leftover Airplane Peanuts the Family Never Ate the
ten most common items in the packages. Everyone tried to outdo everyone else, both in quantity and quality and in the rivalry that developed the true reason to celebrate, that they could buy televisions again, was lost. They also made sure to dress up in big bunny rabbit costumes and drive around in oversized limos in order to tie up traffic in Shushan for hours. The non-Jews were not pleased, and began to wish Haman had succeeded. But Mordy was the head Muckity-Muck and there was little they could do about it.
Perek Yud: Ach then taxed everyone to death, and Mordy and Ester lived happily ever after watching Sex and the City.
THE END
It happened in the days of Achashveirosh . . .
(A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away . . .)
Perek Aleph: Old King Achashveirosh was a merry old soul, and a merry old soul was he. He ruled Persia’s and Media’s 127 provinces, from Hodu (where the Indians lived) to Koosh (where the Kooshies lived). Ach, as his drinking buddies called him, was the son-in-law of Cyrus the Great, King of Persia. Ach had married into the family when Cyrus’s daughter, Vashti, met him at a frat house keg party. Cyrus sent him to law school, and was disappointed when the heavy drinker could only manage a “C” average. He also got in trouble by steeling one of the opposing school’s mascots.
Ach decided to throw a big party for all of his ministers and employees instead of their holiday bonus. In the middle of that party, the king decided to throw another party in honor of the first party. It’s a wonder that Persia and Media ever dominated the world given that all they did was party all day. During the course of the party, the servants were ordered to give the guests everything they wanted. Since everyone was a guest, though, there were no servants but old Ach was too drunk to notice. As a result, things got pretty chaotic at the party, which was common for Persian merrymaking.
By the fifth day of the revelry, when the booze and vomit were flowing freely, Ach decided that he wanted his wife, Queen Vashti, to strip for all of his guests and maybe engage in some lesbian action with some of the royal wenches. Rashi says that Haman, who was already planning his rise to power, gave this suggestion. Ramban says it was Opie and Anthony. Rashi adds that in addition to his wife, Ach called for his pipe, he called for his bowl, and he called for his fiddlers three. In any event, Vashti refused to come unless the men promised to put bills in her thong of denominations of at least $10 or more. She also demanded that Ach come and strip for the party she was having for the women. Surprisingly, nobody thought that it may make for a better party if it was coed.
Ach was furious that Vashti was making demands in order to strip, and sent word to remind her that she had been working at Scores when they had met. She sent word back that he was a lousy tipper, and that now she wanted $20’s. That did it for Ach: he flew into a rage, closed down the buffet and told everyone to get the hell out of his house. Unfortunately, the clean-up crew also left and Ach spent the rest of the night scrubbing vomit and guacamole stains out of his expensive Persian rugs. Vashti was pissed and forced Ach to sleep on the couch for the evening. She also refused to “give him any” from that day forward.
The next day Ach called convened the Persian National Crisis Counsel to deal with the catastrophe of Ach not getting laid. Several things emerged from this meeting: First, the Nationwide Intercourse Ban act (NIB) went into effect at 3:47 p.m., Shushan standard time. If the king wasn’t getting any, neither would any other man. Chaos ensued when thousands of men raced home at 3:30 for one last quicky. Second, Parsasith the advisor was barred from eating the doughnuts before anyone else got there since he never contributed for the snacks and always took too many. Third, Memuchan the advisor suggested that they impeach Vashti and that she be punished by having to watch 500 hours of pro-wrestling. Instead, an agreement was reached whereupon Vashti resigned the Queenancy effective noon tomorrow. Local news coverage showed her climbing aboard the Queen’s helicopter and waving to the crowd with both hands over her head, and a smile on her face. The king also sent letters to every man in his kingdom informing them of how to keep their bitches in line. Ach was not pleased, however, when he realized that this meant that he had to send out over thirty million letters, and write each one by hand. Ramban says the king kvecthed a lot each night when his advisors told him he had to write a few more.
Perek Bet: The day after that, the king realized that Memuchan had not really solved the problem of him not getting any. So, he reconvened the National Crisis Counsel. At this meeting, it was suggested that the king round up all of the beautiful women in the kingdom and select one to be the new queen. Rashi says that the king was considering this suggestion until another one of his advisors, Ron Jeremy, suggested that the king sleep with a different one each night and chose the queen on that basis. The king was very enthusiastic about that part of the plan, though he denied Ron’s request to tape each encounter. To get all the women to the palace, the king’s servants put up billboards announcing that the king was giving away free gift certificates to Bath and Body Works and free copies of the first season of Sex and the City. Very soon after that millions of women showed up pounding on the doors.
It so happened that a man named Mordechai lived in Shushan at the time. The Megillah tells us all about his background, but we really couldn’t give a rat’s ass about it. It so happens that Mordy was a bit light in the pants, as they say, and loved watching Sex and the City while sitting in a tub of lavender bubble bath (the Megillah does imply that he was not married, after all). So, he sent his niece to the palace to pick some up for him. His niece’s name was Haddasah, but Mordy didn’t want anyone to know that she was Jewish. So, naturally, he gave her another Jewish name, Ester. Mordy was a pretty low-watt bulb.
Mordy instructed Ester never to tell anyone that she was Jewish, even though she had a shnoz like Jimmy Durante and always double parked in front of Chaimowitz when she went shopping for flanken. She also spoke only Yiddish. Ester showed up at the palace and was immediately escorted over to the palace beauty shop and given a full Jenny Jones-style makeover. When she asked why she needed a makeover to pick up some videos and gift certificate her attendants said that there was a little something she needed to do before they gave her the videos and soap.
That night, Ester was led into a dimly lit bedroom with a leopard-skin pattern bedspread, candles, and Luther Vandross playing on the stereo. Ach came into the room, wearing nothing but a pair of Speedos. Rashi says that it was a miracle of the Reebono Shel-Olam that the Speedos were able to stay on over his enormous butt. Ester, who like any frummy girl had never been told about marital relations, was unfazed. The night passed and Ach chose Ester, who was somewhat shell-shocked the next morning, as his new queen.
Some time later Mordy, who performed mime and worked a three-card-monte table outside the palace gates, overheard two palace guards, Bigsan and Teresh, bad-mouthing Mordy’s favorite hockey team. Mordy grew more a more furious the more they talked, especially since his team hadn’t made the playoffs in four seasons. So, Mordy went to Ester and told her that the two guards were planning on killing the king. Ester reported the matter on Mordy’s behalf and Bigsan and Teresh were arrested, given a three and a half-minute trial, convicted, and hanged. Mordy, who snickered gleefully at the execution, was recorded as the savior in the records.
Perek Gimmel: After these things came to pass, Achashveirosh promoted Haman, son of Hammedasah, the Aggagite to the position of Viceroy, meaning assistant to Roy (as explained in Parshat Miketz). In truth, Ach wanted to promote someone more qualified, but under Title IX he had to have some minorities in higher positions. He also had to deal with that the civil rights lawyers who would argue discrimination if an Aggagite wasn’t given a position of authority. The king also ordered that everyone had to bow and kneel before Haman. Unfortunately, the king didn’t quite realize that the word “everyone” in the law included himself, and he was pissed when he had to bow to his subordinate. But, the law’s the law.
Now, old Mordy and Haman had known each other back in college in Israel prior to moving out to Shushan. They both had gone to Bar Eilan University, and Mordy had been Haman’s frat sponsor in the fraternity Alpeph-Reish-Nun (ani ro’tze nashim). Part of frat rules is that a brother never has to do anything a former younger pledge tells him. So, Mordy decided to not bow to Haman, always flashing his old ARN frat ID card at him. Haman was furious that Mordy wouldn’t bow to him. He also hated mimes. And, he also recalled the times during Haman’s initiation that Mordy and the other older Jewish members of the fraternity stuffed his head into a toilet after ten of them had used it. Rashi says ten men used it so that there would be a minyan.
Haman decided that this would be a good time to kill all the Jews, who had never let him take part in their fun rituals such as fasting, praying, and refraining from sexual relations for 99% of their lives. And since he hated mimes he figured that this would be a good way to kill two birds with one stone. Haman, however, couldn’t decide when to do it (he was terribly indecisive). So, he had a lottery held to pick the day. Rashi says that in truth Haman couldn’t remember the names of any months, or even count past four and was just too embarrassed to tell anyone. The lot was cast, and it fell on next Thursday, the 23rd day of Tishrei. However, Haman suddenly declared “Next Thursday? That’s Simchas Torah!” (Watch the movie Top Secret if you don’t get it). Haman ordered the lot cast again as he realized that if he killed all the Jews before Musaf on Simchas Torah he wouldn’t be able to get a pekeleh from the candy man in shul. So the lot was the lot was cast again, but this time it fell on March 17th, and Haman didn’t want to upset the St. Patrick’s Day celebrations with a little bloodshed. The lot was cast 47 more times until finally, it landed on the 14th day of Adar. Haman quickly checked and decided that this may be the only good day on the entire calendar to commit genocide.
Haman now went to king Achashveirosh and told him that he wanted to kill a few million people. Ach, who was quite drunk and in the middle of the Twilight Zone Marathon , said no problem and told Haman not to bother him. So Haman wrote up a bill that decried that all the Jews should be killed, annihilated, and wiped out on the 14th day of day of Adar – especially Mordy. In addition, the Jews would no longer be sold any television sets with screens over 25” in diameter. Haman also tacked a rider onto the bill giving himself a raise and eliminating the tax on dividends and capital earnings. Those last provisions were cut out in the meetings of the Shushan Congress’s Genocide Committee, and only the Kill-All-Jews and TV sections made it into law. Haman celebrated with a triumphant jig.
Perek Daled: Mordy, while working his card table, heard about what had happened and immediately put on sack-cloth and ashes to make himself look more disheveled in a hope of dredging up more sympathy business. He began to wail that he would now not be able to get that 56” flat-screen TV he had wanted. He then began to mime his sorrow for pennies.
When Ester heard that Mordy was crying in the street, she immediately sent a servant to find out what was wrong. When she heard, she sent Mordy a 36” TV, but Mordy refused it saying that what was the point seeing how his hockey team didn’t qualify for post-season play yet again. Mordy then beseeched Ester to approach the king and beg him to retract the ban on TV sales to Jews. Also about that genocide thing. Ester hesitated at this request, knowing that the only thing that the king loved as much as drinking was a good genocide. The only way to get him to change his mind would be to sleep with that fat oaf, something she had not done since the first night that had been together. The Rishon L’Tzion claims that it was another hidden miracle of G-d that Ester not sleeping with her husband didn’t tip him off that she was Jewish.
Perek Hey (Hey!): Ester put on her sleaziest outfit from Frederick’s of Hollywood and approached the throne room. Once inside, she saw Ach was getting it on with one of the chambermaids, which explained why he never seemed to have a desire for Ester. A bit ashamed, Ach offered Ester half the kingdom if she would just forget about it, and not mention it to any of the tabloids. Rashi says that it was an election year, and Ach had only a narrow lead in most polls. Ester said that instead Ach and Haman should come to a kegger that she was going to throw later that day. Ach, who would have agreed to anything now rather than be dragged into divorce court, agreed, and sent for Haman. At the party, Ach could see that Ester was still peeved and offered her half the kingdom again. One of his advisors approached him and told Ach that he has already given half the kingdom away to about seventy different women, and that there may not be much left to give. So, Ester asked Ach to bring Haman to another party with even more booze the next day. Ach agreed.
Haman now left the palace and saw Mordy miming. Mordy still refused to bow and steam blew out of Haman’s ears like Yosemite Sam. He screamed “Oooooo, I hate that Mordy!” with a curious southern drawl. Rashi says that another miracle of G-d is that Haman didn’t think to have one of his forty heavily-armed body guards just kill Mordy on the spot on this or any other occasion. When he got home, his wife Zeresh was bitching that she wanted to go to the Bahamas for vacation, bit Haman wasn’t listening. When she asked him what was wrong he said Mordy wouldn’t bow to him, and that made him mad. Haman then threw a major temper-tantrum. Suddenly, Haman said he knew what to do: he would make a tremendous gallows and hang a sign on it that says “Mordechai is a putz” so the whole city would know that Mordy is a putz. Zeresh then suggested that instead of a sign, they hang Mordy and Haman liked that idea even better. He had his ten boys begin to make the gallows, except for his gentle son Freddo who had been sent to Vegas to learn the casino business.
Perek Vav: That night, Ach couldn’t sleep. Rashi says he was hung-over, but we really didn’t need Rashi to tell us that. As he lurched over the toilet Ach once again swore to himself that he will never have another drink. He then called for his servants to read him a bedtime story. But the king was tired of Goodnight Moon and Little Red Riding Hood, so he asked for them to read him something else. The servants began to read about all the nice things that people did for the king. The king was pleased when he heard how many people signed a petition saying how much they loved their leader. The servant mentioned under his breath that it helps that the king usually has someone hold an sword to the person’s head and assure them that either their brains or their signature will be on the petition.
Soon, they got to the point where Mordy had tattled on Bigsan and Teresh. The king asked what was done for this man, and the servants said nothing. The king sat up in bed and decided that something must be done for a man who saved the king’s life. The servants suggested giving him lots of money, but the king said “No, we won’t be doing that.” The servant then suggested that they not kill him in the upcoming holocaust as he was a Jew, but the king felt that Mordy would want to be a good sport and participate.
It so happened that Haman was walking by the palace now when the king saw him. Ach called out to Haman to come in and help him with something. Ach asked him what should be done for a man whom the king wants to honor. He also mentioned that money was definitely out of the question unless someone else wanted to be the donor. Haman, who had always wanted a pony, suggested that the man be given a horsy ride around the city in silly, colorful clothes. “Great!” said the king. “That takes care of that!” and sent Haman out to give Mordy a horsy ride for saving the king’s life. So, Haman took Mordy out on a pony around the city a few times and then went home to sulk. Mordy thought it was a pretty shitty gift.
Perek Zayin: Haman and Ach arrive at Ester’s kegger the next day. Ach is thrilled that he had chosen a wife who apparently has as big a drinking problem as he does. They’re chugging away and Ach is about to ask Ester to get naked when he remembers the problems he had with Vashti. Instead, he asks her what was wrong, as she still seemed upset. She starts to cry and tell him that there is someone who is planning on killing her and her people, not to mention has banned the sale of all TV’s over 27” to them. The king, who was aroused by Ester’s tears and would say or do anything to get her in the sack, asked “Who is this, and this be who?” as he was drunk. Ester said it was Haman, and the king shook with alcohol poisoning as he had now had one tequila too many. The king left the room to go throw up and Haman threw himself on Ester to plead for forgiveness and Knick’s season tickets. When the king returned, he thought Haman was trying to put the moves on his girl. In truth, the king was not all that upset with the genocide plan, as he had okayed it himself, but nobody hits on his babe while he’s in the house. Just then Charvonah, one of the king’s butlers, said that Haman also planned on hanging Mordy, the mime, on a gallows outside his house. The king, who loved mime, ordered Haman hung from it. Rashi tells us it was by his testicles.
Perek Chet: With Haman dead, the king gave Mordy Haman’s old house, position in the government, and set of golf clubs. Ester now pleaded with Ach to retract the old law barring the Jews from buying new TVs. And also the genocide thing. The king, who was drunk again, said that a law could not be retracted once made, though nobody understand why given that the king had absolute power. Besides, Ach was all set to hang out on the balcony on his beach chairs and a brewsky in the coming month of Adar to watch some serious slaughtering. So, he said that the Jews should kill people, he didn’t care who, just so long as lots of people died and he could drink while watching it. Ester and Mordy wrote it into a law and everyone was happy. Except for the people who died.
Perek Tet: The Jews went out and killed just like they were told. The Meggilah tells us they didn’t touch any of the spoils of war. Instead, they took all the new, fresh stuff (who wants spoiled stuff, anyway?). They also decided that it wasn’t fair that non-Jews had a Halloween while they got nothing, and so they dressed up in costumes and sent goody-bags to each other. They sent:
Bakery Hamantashen and
Mushy Apples and
Kedem Grape Juice and
Chocolate Wafers from Pashgez and
Peanut Chews and
Super Snacks and
Hershey’s Kisses and
Leiber’s Potato Chips and
Tangerines with Too Many Pits and
Leftover Airplane Peanuts the Family Never Ate the
ten most common items in the packages. Everyone tried to outdo everyone else, both in quantity and quality and in the rivalry that developed the true reason to celebrate, that they could buy televisions again, was lost. They also made sure to dress up in big bunny rabbit costumes and drive around in oversized limos in order to tie up traffic in Shushan for hours. The non-Jews were not pleased, and began to wish Haman had succeeded. But Mordy was the head Muckity-Muck and there was little they could do about it.
Perek Yud: Ach then taxed everyone to death, and Mordy and Ester lived happily ever after watching Sex and the City.
THE END
posted by A. P. Kores | 11:18 AM
1 Comments:
Very good- but I'm sure you'll burn for it. I'll see you there,
A. Koifer
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