The Haggaddah

THE HAGGADDAH
or
HOW I LEARNED TO STOP WORRYING AND LOVE SHMURA MATZA

By HaRav A. P. Kores
Morah D’Asra of Keheilat Bnei Amaleik

Passover is the celebration of the liberation of the nation of Israel. We celebrate it by reading a boring book until 11:00 p.m. when mom finally declares that the food will spoil if we don’t start eating, after a day of eating nothing but gefilte fish, potato chips, and ice cream because some schmuck decided that we can’t have bread, bagels, cereal, or even matzah after 9:30 that morning, despite the fact that we don’t start the holiday for almost 12 hours (I know it’s a run-on sentence; you don’t have to tell me).

The Haggaddah gives us perspective for this momentous occasion, and allows us to reflect on the miseries of our ancestor’s slavery in Egypt by reliving it. Yes, eating a bitter piece of lettuce on comfortable chairs, while sipping wine and waiting for potato kugel and fried chicken cutlets certainly recreates the horrors of slave society. On the other hand, our ancestors never had to sit through endless mussar during Magid. But I digress.

We also celebrate this holiday by getting rid of all chametz, whether by selling it, consuming it, or destroying it. When cleaning for Passover, remember that chametz can be anywhere and to seek and out and destroy it. Removing your gold fillings or ripping up floorboards are very reasonable activities especially in light of the other nonsense that we do, such as circumcising our male children and waving chickens over our heads to do away with our sins. We also purchase new dishes, counter tops, Leiber’s kosher-for-Passover urine-flavored ketchup, Unger’s toe-jam mayonnaise, Season tuna fish at $2.09 a can, and 52 varieties of potatoes (just like the Israelites did in the dessert).

It is important to remember those who are less fortunate than us on this holiday, and the rabbis even urge us to open our doors up to wanderers and strangers on these nights. If there are no wanderers at your table, go out and find some. Drag them in and tie them up if you have to. The Eibeshte wants it that way. Of course, if your wanderer happens to be a 30-something nebesh woman at your table who constantly bangs her glass on the table while declaring “More vine, more vine!!!” you are welcome to call the police (inside joke).

We sit reclined at the table so that we’ll be in a better position to throw up later when the potato-starch cake is served.

It should be noted that nowhere in the Haggaddah are the names of Moses or Charlton Heston mentioned. This is to signify that the Eibeshte himself and alone freed Israel from Egypt. Therefore, only the Eibeshte should get any credit in the pages of the Haggaddah. Moses gets credit for vanquishing Amalek, the Amorites, and King Og of the Bashan. Charlton Heston gets credit for vanquishing Yul Brenner (The Ten Commandments), super-intelligent apes (Planet of the Apes), and the living dead (The Omega Man).

Finally, as with all things in Jewish life, the Passover holiday would be nothing without a little competition. So be sure to go as long as you can with your Seder meal so that you can brag to everyone in schul the next morning about how you didn’t finish saying Kiddush until 11:45 p.m. (you said the looooooong version) or how you actually aren’t even finished with last year’s Seder. Also be sure to tell everyone how drunk you got. It’s just a miracle of the Eibeshte that you don’t have a hangover.

THE SEDER TABLE

In addition to the regular adornments of a supper table, we add several things to the Passover Seder table:

A Shank Bone: To commemorate how hungry we are and how long it will be until we eat.
Vegetables: To remind us what we feel like while listening to this story for the millionth time.
Bitter Herbs: Because Herb had a bad day.
An Egg: To symbolize the concurrent holiday of Easter.
Charosett: A mixture of apples, wine, and nuts to symbolize what our bowel movements looked like before we clogged ourselves up with matzah.
More Bitter Herbs: Because Herb had a really bad day.
Salt Water: So that our exotic fish can join in the Seder.
The Cup of Eliyahu: To fill with wine and leave for our prophet, if he stops by, or Santa if he comes down the chimney.
Three Matzahs: Their names are Larry, Curly, and Moe.
A Plastic Tablecloth: So that we can clean up faster.

And so, without further ado, I give you the Seder. (heh heh! – I said “do!”)

KA’DEISH

The Passover Seder begins, as most Jewish ceremonial meals do, with a blessing over wine. The rabbis ask why is wine used, rather than orange juice, milk, or Ocean Spray © Cranberry Juice. The answer is that you will have to drink to make it through this night.

· Fill your glass or cup to the brim with wine, and stand and look at your feet as the Master of Ceremonies says the benediction. Be sure that the wine is certified kosher for Passover and that it costs twice as much as regular wine.
· When drinking your wine be sure to recline to your side so that you spill some on your shirt drawing an immediate critical reaction from all that participate. When they do criticize, be sure to throw the remainder of your wine at them.
· The R’BCL (Rabbi Blumenkrantz, certified lunatic) says that you must drink enough wine to induce alcohol shock in a cow. He also mentions that if you do not drink the entire cup in one gulp you will burn in hell for all eternity. Hey, it’s not his fault – it’s what the Eibeshte wants.

UR’CHATZ

The Master of Ceremonies washes his hands. It has to be “his” hands unless you are at one of the heretical reform or conservative Seders being run by *gasp* a woman. In that case, ask her to shave her armpits while she’s at it. Only the Master of Ceremonies washes his hands so that everyone else can hide his d’var torah sheets while he’s in the kitchen.

· Be sure to wash your hands thoroughly since you will be dipping your fingers in salt water next. If you pick your nose between the washing and dipping, though, R’BCL says you do not have to wash again.
· There is no blessing for this washing of the hands making it the only action in Jewish life for which there is no blessing. We even bless after blessing.
· An old Sephardic custom holds that instead of the hands, the Master of Ceremonies washes his feet instead, and then dip the carpas with his toes. Sephardim are idiots.

KARPAS

We dip a vegetable into salt water and eat it because otherwise we wouldn’t have anything at all to eat until supper 5 hours later. If nobody at your Seder table is in a coma, use a different vegetable.

· R’BCL says that you merit more schar if you use rotten vegetables to increase the unpleasantness of the evening. Recline, eat, and vomit.
· If your vegetable is too bland, put a little salt, soy sauce, and chicken on it. Sauté for five minutes in a wok and serve with sesame seeds.
· DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, use a potato or any other starchy vegetable that might remove the pangs of hunger for even a second. You must suffer.

YA’CHATZ

For some reason, we take the Curly matzah, crack it in half, and hide it somewhere in the house as the afikoman. Afikoman was the brother of the Aztec deity Qitzalqotel. Why we named this matzah after him, I’ll never know. Be sure to drop crumbs as you squeeze it between the mattresses in the bedroom. Children then go searching for the missing matzah, ruining the last month’s worth of cleaning.

· Nobody knows why we have this tradition, but some mepharshim feel that it is a holdover from when Jewish children felt cheated when they didn’t get Christmas presents. This was a way to get one up on the Christians.
· If you can’t think of somewhere to hide the afikoman, try back in the box with the other matzahs. Then, crush them all. Let those little punks try to find it now!

MAGID

We now begin to tell the story of the Exodus from Egypt. Brace yourself.

Ha Lachma Anya

We speak of the bread of haste that we hath eateneth foreth the lasteth three-thousandeth yearseth. In case someone doesn’t know what “bread of haste” is, raise the tray with the matzah. If that still doesn’t work, stuff it down their throats.
We welcome all hungry and needy people into our home, unless we live in a major urban area. In that case we lock the doors. We also mention how this year we are in exile but next year we will be in Israel, even though we know full well that its not true. Smack yourself for lying.

The Ma Nishtana – The Four Questions

The youngest person at the table (in terms of age, not maturity) must now ask the four questions to kick off the story (that means you Boy). Of course, if the youngest person refuses to ask the questions, then there is no reason to get into the story once again (hint hint).

These are the Four Questions that must be asked every Passover:

1. Why on this night do we Ashkenazim not eat corn, rice, peanuts, or soybeans while Sephardim can?
2. Why must all cake on this holiday be made with potato starch so that it tastes like cardboard?
3. Who in the hell came up with all this BS about kitniyot and gebrachts?
4. Do I have to help clean up after yom tov?

Proposed 5th question: Why on all other nights do we drink full-bodied Merlots and Cabernets Sauvignons, and tonight we drink this sickeningly sweet stuff?

Avadim HaYinu – We Were Slaves

We were slaves in Egypt. Then the Eibeshte freed us. Hooray for the Eibeshte! That’s the gist of it. The end (I wish).

The Learning Rabbis

Five rabbis stayed up discussing the exodus from Egypt all night once in B’Nei Berak until their students came to get them for morning prayers. This proves several things: 1) the NHL playoffs hadn’t started yet, 2) there wasn’t much to do in B’nei Berak, and 3) we are all morons for listening to a group of rabbis who have nothing better to do with their time than stay up and read stories all night. They should get jobs.

Rabbi Eleazer ben Azaryah

This guy grew a long beard. So what? Everyone had a beard back then, including the women.

Barcuh HaMakom

The Torah tells us of four children who represent of all the children of Israel:
The Wise (Guy) Son: He asks annoying questions about every piddling detail of every halacha, you could just smack him. He never shuts up and is the one who thinks that the rabbi is having a personal conversation with him during the rabbi’s speech on Shabbos. He needs a woman.
The Wicked Son: He ties everyone’s tallits together on Simchas Torah, and eats the gefilte fish before kiddush. He also yells out the name “Haman” during Kol Nidrei to break up the monotony.
The Wicked Son was also known to mock the Sabbath, and say “Hey, what’s this “day-of-rest” sh&t? What’s this bullsh&t? I don’t f*$king care! It don’t matter to Rasha!”
The Simple Son: He spends his time trying to figure out who’s on first, just like Rain Man.
The Son Who Doesn’t Know How To Ask: He’s sleeping. Give him a kick and he’ll wake up.
The rock group Kansas also says that a fifth son exists: The Wayward Son. He is urged to carry on and lay his weary head to rest.

In the Beginning . . .

Our forefathers used to worship idols, but we know better. We worship the Eibeshte that no one can see, hear, speak to, or argue with, which makes much more sense. Don’t ask questions. Just do it. We also throw bread in the ocean to do away with our sins, and teach our children about talking snakes in gardens enticing man to eat from a forbidden tree.
We are told that the Eibeshte had old Abe become his main man. And Abe had Ike, and Ike had Jake and Eisav. Eisav was given the mountain of Seir and Jake and his children were sent to Egypt to be slaves as a reward for their faith. Thanks Eibeshte.
But don’t worry; the Eibeshte told Abe it wouldn’t last long. Just a couple of hundred years. And then we left as a whole nation with a lot of money proving that the pursuit of wealth is indeed the identifying feature of the nation of Israel.

V’He Sh’Amda

We raise our glasses and reflect on how the Eibeshte has always protected us from our enemies. Except for the millions of Jews who have been slaughtered for thousands of years.

Tzei U’Lmad

Lavan the Aramean wanted to destroy us, but he failed and only managed to trick our forefather Jake into marrying his ugly daughter. As a result, many of us are very ugly today. Maybe that’s what he had in mind all along.
Jake’s descendents went on down to Egypt. It wasn’t nice down there. The Egyptians would ring Israelite doorbells and then run away. They would order many pizzas with anchovies and send them to Israelite homes, even though the Egyptians knew Israel hates anchovies. And they always played their music way too loud.
The Eibeshte heard about all the nasty stuff the Egyptians were doing, and tried to find someone to do something about it. But nobody was available and the Eibeshte decided to do it himself. He could take all the credit that way, even though he kinda is the one who sent Israel there in the first place. So, he sent a bunch of plagues to torment the Egyptians until they let Israel leave. Most were in the form of Reality TV.
The Eibeshte also sent blood, fire, and pillars of smoke, but that was common in the ancient world. The rabbis exert a great deal of effort trying to count these plagues indicating that they were not as bright as some current rabbis would lead us to believe. It all gets rather tedious.

These are the Ten Plagues of Reality TV which the Holy One, blessed be He (“Blessed be He?” Sounds like the way someone from Virginia would describe the Eibeshte. What a silly name for a G-d! Not cool like “the Eibeshte.”) brought upon the Egyptians, namely as follows:
· (The Ten Makot Drinking Game: Take a shot of Arak for every plague you read aloud. Last one still conscious wins.)

Survivor,
Big Brother,
Who Wants To Marry a Millionaire?,
American Idol,
Temptation Island,
Joe Millionaire,
The Real World,
The Anna Nicole Smith Show,
The Bachelor, and worst of all
The non-stop, 24-hour-a-day news coverage by CNN, FoxNews, and MSNBC.

Rabbi Yehudah referred to them by their acronyms:

SB’W
AT’J
TTT’T (Wow, what a genius he was. He could spell).

Now things get really mind numbing and wearisome. The rabbis try to show off how brilliant they are by each counting the plagues and coming up with a different total every time. Apparently, they never saw that episode of Sesame Street where Ernie tries to rearrange the same number of cookies on the plate to make more but can’t increase the number, just as Bert predicated. Thus, the rabbis were a bunch of Ernie’s.

Finally, we list all the wonderful things the Lord did for us in song. Then, we read it out loud again, just in case anyone wasn’t listening.

Rabban Gamliel HaYa Omer:

Now that the chicken cutlets are ready, Rabban Gamliel says that if we do not discuss it even further then we have not done our duty. There is simply no end to this nonsense. So here’s the quick version before I kill myself:

Why did our forefather eat the sacrificial lamb? I don’t know.
Why did our forefathers eat the matzah? I don’t know.
Why did our forefathers eat the bitter herbs? I don’t know.

End of story. Let’s eat. But first, drink a second cup of wine just in case you still have any lining left on your empty stomach. Then throw up.




RACH’TZA

Okay, aren’t we all glad that that’s over with. We now must wash out hands of this annoying tradition, so everyone gets up (slowly, since we just drank a second cup of wine on an empty stomach) and goes into the kitchen to wash their hands.

· Pour three cups of water on each hand. Be sure to check all the pots simmering on the stove to smell the chicken soup and cutlets.
· Thank G-d that you are through with Magid.
· You must not speak until you have eaten some matzah at the next stage. If you do you must wash again (who thought of this stupid game, anyway?) The only word that you may say is “new.” You can say this word over and over with impunity.

MOTZI MATZAH

Remove Larry and Moe and break them into pieces. Pass them around for everyone to eat. It’s a testament to how hungry we are that we find this bland, tasteless piece of cardboard appetizing at this point.

· Matzah is the bread of haste, made as our ancestors fled Egypt. For some reason, it costs more than heroin, even though it is only flour and water and takes less than 18 minutes to make.
· Bless the matzah. It deserves it.
· R’BCL says that you must eat at least half your weight in matzah to have fulfilled the mitzvah. Next year he will discover that it is really ¾ of your weight so that he can sell more of his asinine books.

MARROR

We now commemorate how it was in Egypt by eating some romaine lettuce. The mepharshim say that that’s all the Israelites did in Egypt – eat romaine lettuce, all day, every day. Put some charrosett on your leaf, and then knock it off, preferably onto your neighbor’s lap.

· Bless the bitter Herbs. If Herb is in a good mood, kick him squa in the nuts. That should make him bitter.
· If the marror doesn’t give you an appreciation of how things were in Egypt, R’BCL suggests drinking some bleach. But only if it has an OU-P on it.

KORECH

Next, we make a sandwich out of what’s left of Moe and Larry, some of the chopped up horseradish, and some charrosett. This is what our great leader, Hillel (the meshuggunah) used to do in the times of the Holy Temple. He would do so because he was poor, and couldn’t afford anything else. We of course do it because once any Jewish person starts to do something unpleasant, every other Jew is condemned to do it, no questions asked, for all eternity.

· R’BCL says that if you used a food processor to cut up the horseradish you are a wuss. Or worse, a conservative Jew.
· The more you suffer, the greater your reward will be. If you’re really a man, you skip the horseradish and just swallow batteries. It’s what Hillel would have done if he were alive today.

SHULCHAN ORECH

Eat, tattaleh, eat. It’s getting cold.

TZAFFUN

Now that we are stuffed and well on the road to constipation, we eat the piece’s of Curly that we hid before. Again, there is no justification for this silly behavior, but it is better than waving citrons and palm branches in some confounded rain dance.

· R’BCL urges all who are still alive to eat at least three whole, round matzahs. If you can’t eat anymore, liquefy it and consume it intravenously in your veins. You may die, but it’s what the Eibeshte wants. Don’t question. Just do. R’BCL knows.

BARECH

We now bless the Eibeshte for our meal. But it’s not regular benching, no, no. It’s special, extra-long benching. So, just do what everyone else does: say the parts you normally do, and then mouth fake words as you pretend to say everything that is in the book while you imagine your skull hitting the pillow. But you’re still a long way away from that, tough guy.

· Drink your third cup of wine. Throw up again.

HALLEL

Now that we’re done eating – hooray! – there is more stuff to read! I love reading in foreign languages. What a fun holiday. As in Barech, be sure to pretend you are reading everything, otherwise everyone may look at you as if you are a heretic. If you actually are a heretic, then by all means, sit there and mock everything and prepare to burn in hell for all eternity. I know I will.

· We read the Hallel now late at night because some rabbi couldn’t think of anything else to have us read, and wanted to get his name in a seifer. And, since Jewish life can only be made more difficult, never less, all future generations are condemned to repeat this tradition for all eternity. I love tradition.
· We also fill the Cup of Eliyahu, and then go to the door to open it for him. Of course, if a man who has been dead for over three thousand years really was going to come back to earth, wouldn’t he be able to walk through walls? And if he can’t, why can’t he knock like everyone else. Yeah, and while we’re at it, does anyone really think he would go to every Jewish house in the world to take a sip of some cheap-ass kosher-for-Peasach wine and not hit the nudy bars? Where do we get this crap from anyway?
· Drink your fourth cup of wine. If you can’t throw up anymore, just pass out.
· We all proclaim “NEXT YEAR IN JERUSALEM!” The rabbis ask, why next year in Jerusalem? Because in Israel they only have to do this one night instead of two, another brilliant suggestion by some rabbi who wanted to get his name in the books. What’s next, having women wait an extra week before they are no longer nidah? Oh yeah, they already did that. How about banning a whole range of foods from Peasach just because your great-grandfather came from Poland or Hungary? Oh yeah, they did that too. Whatever. They’ll think of something new to torture us with.

NIRTZA

We sing silly songs since we are all nice and toasted. The last one, “Chad Gadyah” is basically “There Was An Old Lady Who Swallowed A Fly” song in Aramaic. Very clearly, the people who wrote these songs had too much to drink.

The end. And now we’ll do it all again tomorrow.

Chag Samei’Ach.