DAVAR A’CHER: A DIFFERENT INTERPRETATION OF THE TORAH
Written and Edited by Rav Avrumy-Yitzy-Yanky-Yossi-Moishee-Doovid-Shloimy Pervertstein, also known as the Makom Eirvah.
Bereishet: G-d creates the world, and places man in paradise as the centerpiece. G-d, who apparently has never dealt with children before, tells man to not do something. Man, naturally, does it the second G-d’s back is turned. Man sets a key precedent by blaming the incident on his nagging wife.
Adam and Chava have two sons, Kayin and Hevel. Kayin kills Hevel one day. When G-d investigates the matter, Kayin insists he is innocent despite the fact that exactly three people are alive on Earth at the time, and Adam and Chava were vacationing in the Hamptons. Ron Kuby takes the case and works out a deal with the DA wherein Kayin’s punishment will be delayed for seven generations.
Noach: G-d is shocked when mankind, having been given freewill, would rather go to the Babylonian Hooters bars than pray all day and sacrifice the few animals that they need for food. G-d responds by drowning everyone except Noach, who was beyond thrilled to be left alive in a boat for forty days with every type of animal dung in the world.
After the flood, Noach displays his thanks to G-d by promptly drinking himself into a stupor the first chance he gets. His son Cham then castrates him because Cham blamed his pop for the fact that the only women left on Earth to have an affair with were the prudish wives of Shem and Yaphet. Cham’s own wife wasn’t giving him any because on day 34 on the ark Cham had been caught with the female gnu. After the castration, Noach curses out his son.
Later, Noach’s descendants decide to build a huge tower in Babylon to wage war on G-d. Problems ensue when G-d sees to it that, much like today, management and the labor union representative at the project don’t speak the same language. As G-d’s punishments usually last through the generations many mepharshim believe that these Babylonians’ descendants are currently working on the Big Dig in Boston.
Lech Lecha: Like any good Jew, at age 80 Avram decides it’s time to retire to a warmer climate and takes his wife Sarai with him to Canaan (the Miami Beach of its day). G-d rewards Avram’s faith by promptly issuing a famine. Avram curses at the Hittite real estate agent that sold him the property and who has mysteriously disappeared with the down payment. Avram decides to go to Egypt and offers the Pharaoh lap dances from his 80-year-old wife in exchange for riches. Pharaoh, who likes older women, accepts.
Avram now intercedes in a local power play, when a war breaks out between the five kings versus the four kings. Avram, with the help of Eliezer and Luca Brazi help the five families, er . . . kings, regain their power. He then divides the power up at a warehouse meeting after receiving assurances from King Barzinni that he will attempt no personal vendetta. Avram asks what he has done to be treated so disrespectfully.
Avram is upset that Sarai can’t give birth (maybe the fact she’s 90 years old has something to with it, Av). So, he sleeps with the maid. No one would have found out, but she got knocked up. So, Avram does the honorable thing and marries his wife’s maid, Hagar. While appearing on the Jerry Springer show Sarai is brought out and confronts Abe about “Hagargate.” Hagar gives birth to a son who is named Ishmael, despite Sarai’s suggestion that the boy be named “Spawn-of-Egyptian-Whore.”
Some time later, Avram returns to his tent and happily tells his wife that he hears voices in the desert that the lord wants him to cut off part of his shventzle. In exchange, he gets to change his name to Abraham. To celebrate the circumcision lox is served to commemorate the lost pink flesh, a tradition central to the Jewish faith.
Va’Yeira: Old Abe greets three Angels who predict that Sara will give birth to a son, despite the fact that she is post-menopausal. The Angels were Tim Salmon, Garrett Anderson, and Jarrod Washburn, respectively. In an even greater miracle, the Angels go on to win the World Series in 2002. They also tell Abe that G-d plans on destroying the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah to help clear land for future resorts in Israel alongside the Dead Sea. The Sodomites complain about G-d’s use of eminent domain, particularly when he only pays them 40 cents on the dollar for their property.
Abe’s nephew Lot is warned to flea, but then claims that his wife turned to salt and he had “no choice” but to sleep with his daughters since they got him drunk. For some reason the Canaanite police department accepts this excuse when Children’s Services files a report on Lot. Years later, Lot admits to the Canaanite Inquirer that he really wasn’t drunk but just wanted to sleep with his daughters.
After Sara gives birth to Isaac, Abe realizes that those same voices that wanted him to chop off a piece of his manhood now want him to slaughter his son. After careful consideration, Abe decides that it may not be the best idea to inform Sara about this. Abe tells everyone that he’s taking his boy fishing, though he arouses suspicion when he asks Isaac to wear a bulls-eye on his chest. Once they arrive at the pre-chosen spot, Abe prepares to kill his son, when he realizes that he has forgotten the way home. Since Isaac remembers it, Abe decides to kill a ram instead. Rashi comments that the Ram was Quarterback Kurt Warner whose offensive line couldn’t protect him, though the Ramban argues that the Ram was probably Wide Receiver Isaac Bruce, in honor of Isaac.
Cha’Yei Sara: Soon after Abe had left home, Sara saw that Abe had left without taking out the garbage. She ran after him but, alas, she was an elderly woman and collapsed dead on the street. The detectives assigned to the case mention how “convenient” it was that Abe was out of town when she died. But the DA decides that Abe is too big a campaign donor to risk a shaky prosecution, and so Abe is never indicted.
Abe now realizes that so long as he’s not going to kill his son for use in blood rituals, he may as well find the boy a wife. After all, what chick wouldn’t want to join such a stable family? Abe sends his servant to his old ‘hood to speak with cousins about a wife. The servant returns with 3-year old Rebecca for Ike’s wife, leading some mepharshim to speculate that Abe’s servant had really gone to Kentucky. Ike and Becky have a beautiful wedding, though the ceremony was almost ruined by a fight between the families: apparently, Becky’s parents wanted mixed seating, but Abe was too frum and wouldn’t stand for it.
Toldot: Ike, now the head of his own household has twin boys: a strong, athletic, manly but gullible first-born he names Eisav, and a weak, sneaky, conniving, boy he names Jacob. Jake decides to take full advantage of his brother’s stupidity from an early age when he convinces Eisav to trade his Ring Dings from his lunch box in exchange for Jake's carob root. Years later, Jake convinces Eisav to sell him his entire inheritance for the bowl of lentils Jake is cooking. Ibn Ezra also comments that one time Eisav sold the family cow for some “magic” beans.
Ike is forced to move when famine hits Canaan again, but decides that Egypt is too pricey for a family of four and instead goes to a cheap motel off the coast near the Philistines. Like his pop, Ike offers his wife Becky in exchange for provisions. Years later Al Goldstein, a descendent of Abe and Ike, will publish Screw magazine in honor of the event.
Becky, evidently, was not too fond of her older son Eisav, and favored Jake. She gets Jake to dress up in sheep’s skin and deceive his father into giving him the blessing intended for Eisav. As Ike was blind, the deception worked (apparently, Eisav must have felt like a dead sheep). When Eisav found out what had happened, that was the last straw. Ike tried to smooth things over by giving Eisav his own blessing that included provisions of becoming Jake’s slave and inferior for all eternity. It didn’t help.
Va’Yeitzei: Jake flees from his brother’s wrath. (Rashi explains that he was not only afraid of Eisav, but was also wanted for the murder of Virgil Sullozzo, and a New York Police Captain named McCluskey.) He arrives at the home of his uncle, Becky’s brother Lavan. Lavan has two daughters: Leah, who is skilled as a cook, seamstress, cheese-maker, and looks and smells like camel’s ass, and Rachel, who is a useless, high maintenance, but gorgeous brat from the Upper East Side of Ur Kasdim. Jake, shockingly, goes for the looker, and agrees to work for Lavan for seven years in exchange for Rachel’s hand (and other parts). For some reason, Jake never suspected that his mother’s brother would be as sneaky and dishonest as she was, and is given Leah at the end of the seven years. Jake tells Lavan to blow it out his ass, and marries Rachel seven days later while promising to work another seven years. Leah was thrilled by this development.
G-d feels sympathy for Leah’s predicament and she has four sons, each of which has a name that refers to her hatred of her sister. Rachel, who is childless, does the only reasonable thing: she has Jacob marry and impregnate her maid. Leah, then does the same thing with her maid. Jacob, astonishingly enough, does not seem to have a problem with any of this.
Jacob now takes his family and prepares to return to Canaan, make peace with his brother, and maybe hit the nude beaches at Jaffa if time permits. Rachel also gives birth to her own son and names him Joseph, which means “kiss-my-ass-you-home-wrecker-slut-of-a-sister” in ancient Aramaic.
Va’Yishlach: Jake now heads back to Canaan, after hearing that Eisav is waiting for him. One night, Jake fights with Eisav’s guardian angel. According to Rashi, it was Curtis Sliwa. Jacob wins the fight in six rounds, a surprise since Vegas odds had him winning a split decision. As reward, Jacob is renamed Israel. But, Jake doesn’t like the name and still goes by Jacob for the rest of his life. He also wonders why G-d is convinced that changing someone’s name is such a great gift.
Jacob lines his family up to face Eisav and his men. Rashi says that Eisav had merry men, but Ramban holds that they were not in fact merry. The least favorite family members are put first, with Rachel and her son Joe last. When Leah and the maids question this, Jacob warns them never to ask him questions about his business. When they persist he says that this one time they can ask him about his affairs. They ask whether he loves them less than Rachel. Jacob says yes, and tells them to get their asses back in line. Jacob also puts himself in the rear of the crowd, reasoning that when they have to turn around and run he’ll be in front.
When Eisav arrives Jake cowers like a little girl and falls to his knees crying. Eisav, still as stupid as a wall, mistakes this as respect, and decides to leave well enough alone. The brothers make peace a part ways, but not before Jake ties Eisav’s shoelaces together.
Jake now feels free to live at peace with his family and to sleep with a different wife every night. Life was good in ancient Canaan, aside from the occasional famine and the fact that the local ball teams sucked. Jake and the boys set up shop as shepherds, and also do a little loan-sharking on the side. One day, Jake’s daughter Dina is working the streets to make a little extra bling-bling, when she is picked up by Chamor, a man whose name literally means “ass.” Two of the brothers, Shimon and Levi, decide that an appropriate, reasonable response is to castrate every man in the town where Chamor lives. This they do, and the boys enjoy testicle stew for the next month.
Va’Yeishev: Jake requires all of his sons to work. All, that is, except for Joe, who is allowed to “supervise” the other brothers. Jake also gives Joe a multi-colored coat so that one day a Broadway musical can be written. According to Sforno the coat would have made even Liberace blush. (Note: The coat resurfaced thousands of years later when it was discovered to be in the possession of a Manhattanite known as “Kramer.” Unfortunately, Kramer was arrested for being a pimp, and the coat vanished again.) Joe’s brothers were jealous of his righteous threads, despite knock-off’s of the expensive coat being available from the back of a van on 128th street.
Joe dreams that the sun, moon, and stars bow to him. (He also dreams that he is getting it on with a beautiful woman who has gills and Fu-Man-Chu goatee, but this dream went largely unnoticed.) Rather than kicking Joe’s ass for having such a wussy dream, the brothers pout, something they do very well.
One day, while the boys are out shepherding and pouting, Joe comes to check on them and take their orders for lunch. The brothers seize the opportunity and throw Joe in a pit. Unfortunately, Joe was not pleased to be in the pit and raised quite a tumult while in there. When a caravan of Ishmaelites pass by, the brothers decide to sell Joe to them, knowing that Ishmaelites are easy to rip off. The Ishmaelites pay the brothers, and leave for Egypt with Joe, while the brothers hit the penny-arcades. They also dip Joe’s coat in blood and tell their father that Dracula must have turned Joe into a vampire. Jake is somewhat suspicious of this explanation since everyone knows that Dracula can’t be out in the sunlight.
Meanwhile, Joe is sold to Potiphar in Egypt to be a house slave. Somehow, the 700-lb. Potiphar doesn’t consider that it might be a bad idea to have a young, good-looking, nubile, Jew-boy in the house with his horny, sex-starved wife. When Potiphar’s wife begins to undress in front of Joe, Joe declares “Mrs. Potiphar, you’re trying to seduce me.” She responds by saying “Would you like me to seduce you Joseph? Is that what’s you’re telling me?” Beit Shammai claims that it was Joe’s belief in G-d that prevented him from sinning with Potiphar’s wife, but Beit Hillel offers the far more reasonable explanation that Potiphar’s wife had a goiter the size of an NBA basketball on the side of her neck. (Note: Mrs. Potiphar also claimed to have had an affair with Mohandus Ghandi).
Back in Canaan, Rachel gives birth to a son, but dies from horror when she thinks that she has given birth to the devil. In truth, it was just Benjamin, but poor Rachel had watched Rosemary’s Baby one too many times.
Joe is thrown in jail for attempting to rape Mrs. Potiphar’s goiter. While in jail, Joe becomes friendly with all the guards and other prisoners (if you know what I mean). Joe becomes particularly friendly with two prisoners: one named Adebisi, who was the Pharaoh’s royal butler, and one named O’Rielly who was the Pharaoh’s royal baker. (Not mentioned was the royal candlestick maker. Ba-dump-bump.). The two men have dreams, and Joe interprets. The butler is told that he will be freed and return to his job. The baker is told that he will be killed. O’Rielly is furious at this explanation and hires the Sicilians to knock Joe off. Luckily, the chief of the prison, a man named McManus finds out about the plot and actually prevents a murder. O’Rielly is sent to the hole.
Miketz: The Egyptian Pharaoh dreams that he sees seven lean cows devour seven fat cows, and seven lean wheat bundles devour seven healthy wheat bundles. He also dreams that he is a large, Indian elephant making love to a men’s glee club, but he keeps that one to himself. None of Pharaoh’s counselors can interpret the dreams, and so he has them all killed. (Rashi says that Pharaoh wasn’t so mad about the dreams, which he blamed on eating salami at midnight, but at his counselor’s advice which resulted in Pharaoh coming in dead last in that season’s NCAA Basketball Tournament office pool.) Pharaoh’s butler then tells the king that he knows someone who can interpret dreams. When Pharaoh asks who it is, the butler gives him the number for Ms. Cleo at the Psychic Friend’s Network. When she cannot figure it out, Joe is brought in. Joe immediately says that the dreams are predicting a major famine. When asked how he figured that out Joe says that it wasn’t a tough call given that there is a famine in the region every other week. Pharaoh is very happy with the news of the famine because now he can claim to have a plan for helping out with Egypt’s obesity crisis when he’s up for re-election. As running mate, he chooses Joe to hold the position of Vice-Roy, which means assistant to Roy. They win a landslide victory on the pro-famine ticket. Joe also marries Potiphar’s daughter Aw-Snot who holds the honored distinction of having the stupidest name in the bible.
The famine hits, just as Joe predicted. Ramban points out that the famine was helped along by Joe’s order to cut the throat of anyone caught watering crops. The famine is widespread, and even affects Canaan. When Jacob and his sons eat their last can of tuna fish, Jake suggests that the boys go to the big supermarket in Egypt to stock up on some nosh for the big game. (Ramban says that they specifically went for wheat, barley, and Pringles). The brothers pout since they were right in the middle of a big game of Monopoly but finally agree, but leave Benjamin behind to wait for a Fed-Ex delivery. Once in Egypt, Joe manages to find his brothers among the millions of people wandering through the Egyptian Shop-Rite. Joe recognizes them instantly, but they don’t recognize him because he had a nose job.
Joe accuses the brothers of being spies, and has Attorney General Ashcroft hold them indefinitely. The brothers pout and point out that this violates their constitutional rights, but Joe indicates that they are suspected of being members of Al-Qaeda (they did have Middle-Eastern passports). Joe tells the brothers that if they bring Benjamin to Egypt to verify their story he will let them go. He also asks them to bring back some of Jacob’s delicious potato kugel. The brother’s suspicions are aroused by this request, but decide that it is best not to make a big deal out of it. The brothers go back to Canaan to get Ben while Shimon is held in an Egyptian harem. Shimon tells the brothers that they don’t have to hurry back.
The brothers bring Ben to Egypt. Joe accuses Ben of murder, arson, and exposing himself to a horse. Ben is sentenced to watch the movie The English Patient until death overcomes him. The brothers pout.
Va’Yigash: Judah now steps up before Joe and pleads for Ben’s life. Ibn Ezra says that Judah really just wanted to be able to collect on a Superbowl bet that he had won from Ben. Judah mentions that they had another brother whom they had sold into slavery and never seen again. When Joe asks why they had sold their own brother Judah says it was because their brother was a dick. Joe, fuming goes into the other room and watches a few episodes of Seinfeld to calm down.
Finally, after the puffy-shirt episode, Joe cannot stand it any longer. He finally confesses that he, in fact, did not inherit fifty million dollars, and that he was just a construction worker who makes $19, 000 a year. When the brothers stare at him in confusion, Joe apologizes and says he was just confusing a confession he had given on an Egyptian reality show. He tearfully states that he is their brother Joseph, and asks if Elvis is still alive? Also, is his father Jacob still alive? When the brothers tell him Jake is alive, Joe thanks the lord, since Joe had forgotten the last line to the limerick “There once was a girl from Nantucket . . .” that his father had taught him years ago. Joe grabs Reuven, his oldest brother, by the shirt and tells him “You broke my heart, Reuven! You broke my heart!” Joe then promises, on the lives of his grandchildren, that he will not be the one to break the peace that they have made there today. Joe and Vincent Tataglia then embrace.
The brothers return home to inform Jake about what happened. When they tell him that Joe is still alive, Jake asks why they told him Joe had died years ago. Asher shrugs his shoulders and says “April Fool!” Jake packs up the family and climbs aboard the family wagon and heads down to Egypt. Hills, that is. When Joe and Jake see each Joe breaks down in tears and hugs his father. Jake, however starts laughing. When asked why he’s laughing, Jake says that on the morning that Joe had been sold by his brothers all those years ago Jake had farted in Joe’s lunch box and had waited forty years to tell him that.
Va’Yechi: Jake, now an old man, prepares to die. He first calls Joe to bring his two sons, Ephraim and Menashe, before him. Rashi says that the boys were playing in the sandbox at the time, despite each being over the age of thirty. Jake places his hands on the two boys, but makes a mistake: rather than place his hands on their heads he heads for a more intimate area. Joe tries to correct the mistake, but Jake insists and Joe decides to give a dying man one more thrill. To everyone’s surprise, Jake does not bless the boys but asks them whether they’ve ever seen a grown man naked, been to a Turkish bath, or seen a lot of movies about Gladiators.
Jake now calls his own boys close before him, except for Gad whose breath smelled from eating feta cheese and onions for lunch. Jake gives the boys blessings and tells them that he wants to reveal a great secret: how to tell who is gay based purely on appearance. Unfortunately, Jake dies and takes the secret with him to the world-to-come.
Joe promises again to not harm his brothers even though Jake has died. He also promises to take care of them, but then gets them apartments in the Marcy Avenue Projects in Goshen. The apartments are not furnished and are not even cable ready. The boys are not pleased, but say nothing.
The boys and their families begin to multiply and spread in Goshen. Joe makes the brothers and their children promise not to leave his body in Egypt when he dies, but to take it back to Canaan, cook it up good, and make sandwiches out of him. Ramban points out that this may have been the origin of the “Sloppy Joe.” Joe makes provisions in his will that provide for the care of the Children of Israel. Unfortunately, after Joe dies the will gets caught up in probate court and a new Pharaoh from the opposing political party comes to power.
Shmot: A new, cruel, anti-foreigner Pharaoh comes to power with Pat Buchanan as Vice-Roy. They order that one of the neighborhood’s residents in Egypt will have to become slaves. A lottery is held and, wouldn’t you know it, Goshen is chosen. Israel protests that the fix is in, but the Supreme Court of Egypt upholds the decision.
Israel becomes slaves in Egypt. Soon, a prophecy begins to circulate that a deliverer will free the slaves. To prevent this from happening, Pharaoh orders that all male children on Israel be killed. Yes, you heard him: In order to KEEP his slaves, he orders that all male children be killed. Pharaoh wasn’t that bright (leading some Mephorshim to opine that the Pharaoh was actually George W. Bush).
Amram and Yocheved have a child. They decide not to name him and to set him adrift on the Nile River to be crocodile food. The Pharaoh’s daughter, Bat-Sheva, finds the baby floating in the river. Therefore, obviously, she names him Moshe, which means “to draw” in Hebrew, even though she speaks Egyptian. Makes sense.
Mo is reared in the Pharaoh’s palace as a prince. Young Mo enjoys life in the Pharaoh’s palace. He can blow past the chariot speed limit whenever he wants and he has no problem picking up chicks. He also can get room service at 2:00 a.m. if he wants. One day Mo, who has been exposed to violence and the concept of slavery his whole life, gets ticked off watching one particular Egyptian beating an Israelite. Rashi tells us that this Egyptian was Bakka the Master Builder. Ramban says it was Vincent Price. Ibn Ezra says they were one in the same, and that the confusion arose when Price was sometimes referred to as a Master Butcher. Mo kills the Egyptian and buries his body in the sand since he couldn’t reach the East River in time.
Some time later Mo breaks up a fight between two Israelites. Rashi says that they probably were Datan and Aviram, and that they both had sinister looking Star-Trek-Villain-like goatees. Rashi further says that Datan had sexually assaulted Aviram and was just snarling “Where’s your virginity now, see?!?!” when Mo interjected. When they both pointed out that Mo had killed the Egyptian Mo wondered why he’s always the last to find things out, seeing how he’s the prince and all. Mo then decides to flee, even though it is not against the law in ancient Egypt for a prince to kill a slave. The mepharshim from Rashi to Cecil B. DeMille don’t have any explanation for Mo’s actions.
Mo runs off to Midian where he meets seven beautiful sisters. Their names were Tziporra, Yoria, Puha, Dopey, Sleepy, Sneezy, and Doc. Mo decides to marry Tzippora, since she has the most normal name. Shiftei Chachamim says that the real reason was because the other sisters danced like harlots in front of the Sheiks of Midian, including their father Jethro. Jethro had once lived in Oklahoma, but had made a lot of money in the oil business and moved to Beverly Hills. He then lost his money during the Savings and Loan scandals and moved to Midian. He also didn’t mind watching his daughters act like whores in front of a bunch of horny, dirty, smelly, old men.
Mo marries Tzipporah and they live together in a tent that looks like a sock, watching sheep all day. Mo found this better than living in the lap of luxury in Egypt. One day Mo chases a sheep up Har Sinai. The mepharshim are curiously quiet on what Mo wanted the sheep for and why it was running, but we can use our imaginations. Mo sees a burning bush on the top of the mountain (I’ll restrain myself at this point). Mo stops, falls to his knees, and immediately starts roasting some hot dogs on the flames. Suddenly, the bush begins to talk. Mo immediately spills out the remaining Colt 45 he had in his canteen and rubs his ears. It turns out that the bush is the presence of G-d, and he just wanted to get Mo’s attention. G-d tells Mo to go back to Egypt and to demand that the new Pharaoh, Yul “Raamses” Brenner, release the Israelites. Mo asks G-d to tell him his name, and G-d responds “I am that I am.” Mo is about to point out that that’s not really a name, but decides it’s not worth getting into a fight over.
Mo returns to Egypt and finds his brother Aaron, who speaks with a greater speech impediment than Daffy Duck. The two of them have no problem marching right into the throne room of the most powerful man on Earth, and immediately demand a pizza with everything on it. They also ask, if it’s not too much trouble, that Israel be set free. When Raameses says no, Mo shrugs his shoulders and says “Well, I tried.” and goes home to watch reruns of Gilligan’s Island. The Israelites hear about this, and decide to stone Mo. Mo says “Oh, that’s your response to everything.” G-d tells him to get his ass back to the palace and to use a jingle. Mo stands outside the palace halls and has Israel scream, over and over: “We are the Hebrews! We couldn’t be any prouder! And if you don’t free us, we’ll shout a little louder!” Pharaoh is annoyed, but doesn’t free Israel.
Va’Aira: G-d is not at all happy with the work Mo has been doing, but since Mo signed a guaranteed contract, G-d can’t fire him. He tries to trade him to another G-d Team, but Ba-Al’s General Manager will only trade a few minor league prospects for him. So, G-d decides to do it himself. First, he turns all the Egyptian water in blood, but the Egyptians just add vodka and stalks of celery and have Bloody Mary’s for a week. Next G-d send frogs all over Egypt, but the Egyptians found them delicious. Sensing that at this point he was only encouraging them, G-d decides to get rough on the Egyptians. He sends flies and lice to the region. The Egyptians, though, respond by using a lot of Cutter and Off. G-d then sends wild beasts to Egypt, but since most of Egypt was slums anyway nobody really noticed. Then G-d kills all the animals in Egypt, which made the Egyptians happy that the wild beasts were gone. The Egyptian branch of PETA, though, did become enraged, and got the Egyptian Supreme Court to file a temporary stay away order to keep G-d out of Egypt until he could be brought to trial. (Rashi says that given the backlog of cases on the Egyptian calendar, that would be a few years.) G-d next sends a plague of boils through Egypt, but most Egyptians had venereal herpes to begin with and the added boils didn’t accomplish much. Finally, G-d makes it hail. The Egyptians, who have never seen ice before, are thrilled to be able to cool off for a change and make ice-cold lemonade. G-d then decides to take a ten-minute break.
Bo: G-d now calls on Mo again since none of the first seven plagues worked out too well, and asks him for advice. First, Mo suggests that G-d send locusts to eat all the barley. The Egyptians get furious when they run out of beer right in the middle of the NFL playoffs. Next, Mo suggests that G-d make it very dark. The Egyptians then can no longer use their sundials and don’t know what time it is. As a result, thousands of Egyptians miss the Sopranos and get madder. Raamases agrees to let Israel go into the dessert for a few days, but only if they promise to come right back. Israel agrees. Idiots.
G-d then tells Mo to have Israel kill sheep and to spread their blood on their door. When Mo asks why, G-d says “Why not?” and adds: “Just wait until you see what I’m going to have you do in the Holy Temple!”
By now G-d is pretty damn ticked off and decides to kill every first-born male in Egypt that doesn’t have blood on his door. The next morning, when Pharaoh finds out what happened, he says, “Wow, they were serious.” So, Pharaoh lets Israel go, and everyone was happy. In honor of the event, Israel bought Shmura Matzos from the Shatzer Matza factory in Boro Park to eat on the trip, but mysteriously the price went up right before they left.
Va’Yishlach: The next morning, Pharaoh is getting dressed and listening to Howard Stern when his advisors come running in to tell him that the Israelites are leaving. What’s worse, they say, is that they are not tipping the bag boys. Pharaoh shrugs and says he let them go. When the advisors point out that letting Israel go is like setting fire to 500 trillion dollars Raamses says “By gum, you’re right!” So, Pharaoh assembles his army that is basically a few thousand Big Wheels pulled by horses and chases after Israel. When he wife, Yvonne De Carlo, asks him where he is going, Raamses says to the store to buy some eggs and paper towels. He also mutters “To mingle with your own” on his way out the door.
Israel, meanwhile, hasn’t gotten very far, after having decided to take the Van Wyck Expressway instead of the Interboro like G-d told them. They are now stuck in camel to camel traffic, when they spot the Egyptian army using the HOV lanes. The people start screaming that they want to stone Mo. G-d then has them take the next exit towards the sea.
The Egyptians are in hot pursuit. The Israelites are panicking. Edward G. Robinson mentions that it would have been better to serve the Egyptians than to do in the desert. The Israelites decide to stone Mo. Suddenly, someone yells “Open Sesame” and the seas splits open. When the people ask Mo if that is the miracle of G-d, Mo scratches his head and says “Uh . . . yeah, yeah. Sure. Big miracle. Why not?” Israel crosses the sea and helps themselves to all the shrimp they could eat. Chazal tells us that it was not real, but imitation shrimp from Glat Mart, $5.99 a pound.
When they get to the other side, all of Israel collectively drops to their knees and sings G-d’s praises. They then collectively moon the Egyptians, and the men take a communal pee into the sea. Raamses orders his army into the path after Israel. Raameses’s commanders ask whether it is wise to have his army between two mammoth walls of water controlled by a divine being that is not too pleased with them at this point. Raamases assures them that he’s seen this a hundred times before and that all you need to survive is some magic pixy dust and to think lovely thoughts. The Egyptians each take some pixy dust, but G-d performs a miracle: instead of lovely thoughts, they all think of Anna Nicole Smith just as they reach the middle of the sea, and the walls of water come crashing down on them. At this point Raamases decides that he may not be cutting it as Pharaoh and decides to call Apex Technical school to get his mechanics license instead.
After their adventure at the sea, Israel is marching towards Har Sinai, and pass by the territory of their cousins, the Amalakites. Israel annoys the Amalakites by singing ridiculous songs on Saturday and double parking all over the Amalakite Coney Island Avenue, especially when it was time for Mincha or to pick the tata’les up from chaider. As a result, the Amalakites come to pick a fight with Israel. Israel first decides to stone Mo. Then, they think the better of it and go out to fight their enemy. Israel gives them a major league ass-whoopin’, and G-d instructs Israel to never forget that Amaleik didn’t like their singing.
Yitro: Mo takes the Children of Israel to Har Sinai. He then goes up the mountain and tells everyone to not follow him. There is a lot of thunder, and lightning, and a lot of loud noises and flashes, and all of Israel cowers before the presence of G-d, whom they hear speak the Ten Commandments. Suddenly, a little dog goes over to the side of the mountain and pulls a curtain open to reveal Mo operating a bunch of knobs and levers. G-d yells “Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain!” Luckily, everyone listens and the Ten Commandments come off just as Mo planned. The Ten Commandments are as follows:
1. I am the Lord thy G-d that hath brought you from the Land of Egypt to be free to grow peiyus, go to the mikva, and waive chickens over your heads on erev Yom Kippur.
2. You shall have no other G-ds before me. Only I may be G-d. I am a jealous G-d and if you cross me I will kick the f#&king s*%t out of you.
3. Though shalt not take the name of the Lord in vain. To stop you, I won’t tell you what my name is, just like Rumplestiltskin. Rashi has an alternate third commandment: Though shalt not utter the name of the Lord in a van. Use only a sedan or an SUV.
4. Honor or remember the Sabbath day, to make it holy. Actually, I can’t decide if I want you to honor or remember it. Ahh hell, just be sure you only spit out watermelon seeds rather than pick them out. That is the real essence of the Sabbath (or at least people will make a big deal out of this one).
5. Honor your father and your mother, unless your mother isn’t sure who your father is. In that case, you don’t have to honor that whore either.
6. Do not kill, unless someone refuses to eat chalav Yisroel.
7. Do not commit adultery. So be sure to sow your wild oats before you get married.
8. Do not steal (people). But feel free to rip off the gub’ment by not paying your taxes even in a country that protects Jews, like the USA.
9. Do not bear false witness against your neighbor. But if he’s not your neighbor, feel free to bear.
10. Do not covet anything that is your neighbors. So get your eyes off his wife’s ass.
The Rest:
Mo decides that since things have gone so well to this point he has earned a little R&R and goes off to Vegas for a few days. When Mo fails to return the people begin to get restless. They want to stone Mo, but he’s not around. So, they decide to melt down all of their gold jewelry, mold it into the shape of a cow, and call it the lord. G-d wonders, not to quietly, why he ever freed these retards. Suddenly, Mo returns after having won over $6,000 at baccarat. He scolds the people who respond by wanting to stone him.
Mo gives Israel a whole bunch of rules and G-d rewards them by making food fall from the sky and water come out of rocks. The people complain that the food isn’t spicy enough and that the water has a funny taste. They also want to stone Mo and return to Egypt every few days.
Later, Israel sends spies to Canaan to scout the land out. The spies return and say that the land is great, but that the price of admission is over $40 a person and you have to pay for each ride separately, too. The Children of Israel begin to cry that they want to go to Six Flags Great Adventure, instead. So, G-d punishes them by granting their wish but it takes 40 years to get down the Garden State Parkway.
Finally, when Israel arrives at the Jordan River, and is just about to cross into Canaan, Mo stops and turns around. When the people ask where he is going, he says “I’m through with this shit!” He then climbs up a mountain and dies there. The Children of Israel mourn for thirty days that they never got to stone him.
THE END
