THE RULES OF ORTHODOX JUDAISM
By HaRav A. P. Kores
Morah D’Asra of Keheilat Bnei Amaleik
CHAPTER Page
1. Prayers and Shul Conduct . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 2
2. Kosher Food and Eating . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 9
3. Holidays . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 12
4. Marriage and Divorce . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 26
5. Family Purity . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 31
6. Sexual Intimacy . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 32
7. Children . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 34
8. Business Relations . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 36
9. Charity and Chessed . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 37
10. Learning Torah . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 38
11. The Jew in Public . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 39
12. Miscellaneous Mitzvahs and Aveirahs . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 46
13. Death and Bereavement . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 47
14. A Final Thought . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 49
INTRODUCTION
Jews come in all shapes and sizes. Not all Jews could be covered here, not even all varieties of Orthodox Jews. So, if you were excluded, I hope you will not be insulted. And if you were included I hope you will be insulted.
CHAPTER 1: PRAYERS AND SHUL CONDUCT
A) History
1) Communication with G-d has always been a hallmark of religious tradition. In ancient times, people would sacrifice such things as cattle, incense, and virgins. Some would also sacrifice their virginity. This behavior pleased the Lord, who would respond by providing the ancient people with all the pestilence, famine, droughts, and invading barbarians their heart’s desired.
2) After the destruction of the Holy Temple in Jerusalem, the rabbis decided that the Almighty wasn’t too thrilled with the Jewish method of worship, which amounted to little more than a barbecue while tailgating outside of the Holy Temple. Rashi says that it was because they did not use a marinade such as Lea and Pearens Worcestershire © or A-1 Steak Sauce ©. Ramban says it’s because the ancient-Israelite chapter of PETA had convinced the Kohen’s to use soy-meat instead of cows and sheep for their offerings, arguing that it was a healthier alternative for the Almighty anyway. Regardless of the reasons, the rabbinate ordered that prayers replace the ancient barbaric custom of sacrifices. That way, they reasoned, everyone could suffer rather than just the Kohens and Lei'vis (and the animals, of course).
3) Prayers began with a recitation of the Sh'ma, the Shmoneh Esrei, and readings from the Torah of the portions that applied to the sacrifices that would have been offered on that day. Soon, a rabbi decided that this doesn’t take nearly long enough, and composed a poem for everyone to sing. Not to be outdone, another rabbi decided that it was also necessary to read Tehilim. And a third began to write his own poems, and so on and so on until there were scarcely five minutes left in a 24-hour day that did not have some prayer to say.
4) Today, prayers continue to grow with every generation and each congregation tries to outdo the others in terms of time spent praying and total prayers said. Pretty soon, we will all just have to move into Schul since there will be no point of ever going home since, by the time we got there, we’d just to turn around again.
B) The Laws of Prayer
1) Prayer is a sacred, personal undertaking that should be carried out with the utmost sincerity, respect, unless your favorite team is in the middle of the playoffs. One must always remember that during prayer you are conversing with the Almighty Eibeshte, and that all thoughts and concerns should be focused purely on the task at hand. Some rabbis, however, will make an exception for thinking of an impending stock transaction. One should refrain from extraneous speech with others during prayer, making services a prime refuge for people defaulting on loans and trying to get out of testifying in court.
2) Always be sure to pronounce each word properly, lest an inappropriate word escape your lips. After all, if you mispronounce a single word, the content of your prayers may not be what you intended, and G-d may bring about what you did not intend. Prayers are powerful stuff, so be careful that you ask G-d to punish the wicked, and not the good. Most bad things happen to good people when prayers are said incorrectly.
3) When praying alone, one can simply read the words in one’s mind, and concentrate on the meaning. But when in the company of others, be sure to mumble each word to let everyone else around you know just how holy a person you are. This is particularly true on crowded subways and buses. The hell with them if they think you’re a lunatic for talking to yourself. Also, close your eyes and move your lips rapidly when you finish eating in a restaurant. Your small tip will be mitigated by the obvious godliness of your character.
4) Never, under any circumstances, allow yourself to be interrupted by someone else while you are in the middle of prayer, lest they think that your concentration on the Almighty Eibeshte is anything but perfect. This rule holds true even if someone comes over to tell you that your dog is biting a local politician or even if you had spent the last fifteen minutes moving your lips but thinking about how hot Carmen Electra looked on TV last night.
5) There is a prayer for every action and circumstance that can exist in the world and even some that cannot exist. If you are unsure what prayer should be said in a particular situation, go and ask a rabbi. That way he’ll know just how righteous you are.
6) When praying shacharit on any day but Shabbos, men over thirteen adorn tephilin (phylacteries), little leather boxes containing parchment with saying from the Torah on them. When purchasing your tephilin remember that the size of what a man carries around on his arm and head is directly proportional to what he’s carrying in his pants. Nuff said.
C) Schul Behavior and Etiquette
The general rules of prayer still apply when praying with a congregation in schul, but with a few added modifications, mostly for show.
1) Arrival: There are only two acceptable times to arrive in schul:
a) Immediately before prayers have begun, to demonstrate to all your devotion to the Eibeshte and show everyone how saintly you are.
b) When 2/3 of the prayers have been said. to demonstrate your nonchalant attitude toward organized religion which will have the effect of everyone seeing how cool and dangerously you live your life. If you arrive too late for the former, loiter around for a while until it looks like they are going to put the Torah away.
2) Volume of Prayer and Prayer Behavior
a) When davening, read the first sentence aloud, pause for a few seconds, and then the last sentence out loud so that everyone will just assume that you have read everything in between. Be sure to never read the middle of the paragraphs out loud since someone will notice that you are mispronouncing the words due to the fact that you never daven when you are alone, and have had no practice saying those hard, Aramaic words. This way everyone will think you do.
b) If you are a pasty-white young yeshiva-buchur who does not plan to work a day in his life, but just spend every waking second in the Beis Midrash, clutch yourself as you daven, close your eyes, shake back and forth like you have Parkinson’s, and scream out every word you say on the top of your lungs. The Lord is a far way off in heaven, after all. He might not hear you. Also swing your arms back and forth like you’re doing violent aerobics. If someone gets hit it’s because they are a traifa yid and the Almighty Eibeshte has sent your frum ass to punish them.
c) There is no reason you should not be able to take your tallis and tephilin off before Aleinu, Kaddish, and Perek HaYom. Those are not real prayers, anyway.
d) One should never fight in Schul unless there is a furious debate over which meat mashgi'ach one uses. That is always grounds for fisticuffs.
3) Talking
a) Talking is absolutely frowned upon during davening, or at least the rabbi will say it is. But don’t pay any attention to that rule, particularly if a good episode of Seinfeld was on last night. The fact that there is an embroidered “Da Lifnei Me Atah Oh'meid” sign on the Aron Kodesh covers everyone for talking. Also, talk all you want during the chazzan’s repetition of Shmoneh Esrei, the Torah Reading, Aleinu, and anything that is sung in unison.
b) Despite how much talking you have been doing all along, be sure to put your hand up like a policeman to halt the conversation you are in the middle of when it comes time to say “Ye'hey Shmey Rabba . . .” during Kaddish. For some reason, everyone seems to think that this is essential.
4) The Chazzan
a) If you are chosen to be chazzan, be sure to apply the three rules of singing: long, loud, and frequent. Everyone must know what a tzaddik you are, so sing everything you can think of and repeat as many words as you can despite the fact that it changes the meaning of the prayers. The Eibeshte knows what you mean. And always remember that just because Yom Kippur is only one day a year, you can commemorate it every day by dragging out every common prayer.
b) A chazzan must be given a “shkoi'ach” after he leads, regardless of how bad a voice he has or the fact that it took him 35 minutes to say Kedusha on a normal Shabbos.
5) Torah Reading
a) The Torah must be kissed when it is taken out of the Aron Kodesh to demonstrate one’s love, affection for, and even physical attraction to the words of G-d. While grasping the velvet covering and placing a smacker right down on the sewn-on Ten Commandments is okay, it is considered rude to actually use your tongue. Also, you may want to avoid contact with the Torah when you have hepatitis, something that more devout people seem to miss.
b) If you are given an aliyah to bless the Torah, be sure to make a Me Sh'beirach for every human being you have ever come into contact with. After all, it’s not like the Oscar’s: they can’t just go to commercial. When making the blessing, pull your tallis up over your head to let everyone know that are so holy you must not come within eyeshot of anyone else.
c) Talking should be kept to a minimum during Torah reading, so restrict your conversation only to emergencies, children, and which free-agents your team will pursue during the off-season.
d) When the Torah is being read, try to look surprised, as if you never heard the stories before, when turning points are reached. Make like you didn’t realize it was Joseph in the Pharaoh’s court dressed up as the Vice-Roy. The rabbis believe that G-d likes to think we are still amazed by the outcomes of the tales.
6) The Tzeddukah Box and Charity
a) Only feel obligated to put something into the tzeddukah box if someone else near you does it first. In that case, obviously, you must give more than they did.
b) There is a hierarchy of causes to give to. They are as follows, with (i) being the least worthy cause, and (vii) being the most worthy:
(i) Causes that provide assistance to starving children, orphans, and widows, and organizations that help women get divorces from men who refuse to give them a Get.
(ii) Organizations that send money to Israel.
(iii) The Schul building fund, appeals for sefforim, and Torah funds.
(iv) Appeals for money to help the buchurim learn Mishnaiyos.
(v) Donations to Kollels to help keep our fine boys away from the evil influence of secular college.
(vi) Funds to help get rabbi’s who are accused of embezzlement and child molestation out of jail.
(vii) And most important of all are the funds to put in the new air-conditioning systems and to buy the schnapps and herring for next week’s kiddush.
Give appropriately.
7) Specific Prayers
a) When saying Shmoneh Esrei, be sure to bend your knees properly and then jerk your body forward in your best “wow-that-kidney-stone-really-hurts” motion when the time comes to prostrate yourself. Also, much like an old person backing out of their driveway, have no disregard for whoever is behind you when you finish and take your three steps back. You are holy, and they must get out of your way. Sneer at them if they do not. They will be going straight to hell.
b) Even if you typically say your Shmoneh Esrei very quickly during the year, be sure to outlast everyone else on Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur. Forty-five minutes is the bare-minimum amount of time you should spend. Also, shake as though you have to go to the bathroom.
c) During Birkat Kohanim, cover and suffocate yourself and your young children under your tallis. Women who do not have tallaisim should just choke themselves. It really has never been explained why men must cover themselves while women can simply just not look at the Kohen’s hands. Apparently, the urge to see G-d himself is simply too much for most men, and we don’t want to take any chances. The women, of course, couldn’t care less about such holy things since they are more concerned with arousing the otherwise devout men. Whores.
d) There is absolutely no reason you should not scream like you are on fire when reading the Sh'ma. Be sure that your voice is louder, and held longer than everyone else’s in the room. You should also push your hand into your eyes so hard that blood starts to come out. Zus is a fruma yid!
e) Feel no obligation to say Ye'did Nefesh before Kabbalat Shabbat, or Adone Ohlam or Yigdal after services. Those are things said only by those heretical Modern-Orthodox temples, yimach sh’mam.
8) Kiddushes
a) Despite what is happening in your life, the world, or during the day, there is no tephilah that is more important than a Kiddush Club. This rule must be strictly enforced.
b) If someone does throw a Kiddush, especially on Shabbos, the last few prayers after Mussaf are to be ignored. Eating must commence before Aleinu is said, or else you might not get a piece of kishka.
c) When one approaches the Kiddush table, be sure to start eating immediately as if you have never seen food before and will never see it again. Be sure to swallow your herring and onions before you yell at the non-Jewish waiters to bring over more potato kugel.
d) Vegetables and dip are there purely for show, or for the women.
e) Despite the fact that most Orthodox Jews hold that you should not eat fish after meat (despite no hallachic support for this whatsoever) and the fact that they would hurdle their own dining room table to prevent a fish fork from being placed onto a piece of chicken, an exception exists at kiddushes. One IS permitted to have their gefilte fish AFTER the chullent if they didn’t notice the fish plate, or of they had to rush to eat the chulent before someone ate it right off their own plate. Our Lord is an understanding Lord.
9) Women Note: If you are a woman, you may want to skip this section.
a) Women MUST be segregated into a separate section in the Schul. The further toward the back, or upstairs, or down the hall, the better. It has been scientifically proven that all of the ills in the world can be directly traced to filthy, slutty, tempting women. Women by their very nature, desire nothing but to cause good men to sin and sin often. Therefore, women must be shunned aside and ignored during prayer. Some would even eliminate any reference of women in the Torah and prayers. I would suggest not even using the feminine tense of Hebrew grammar when conjugating your verbs. It may cause arousal.
b) If, by some horrific chance, you do come into sight of those women, look away lest you be corrupted and brought to sin right there in the middle of N’eelah. If you do sin, don’t worry. You’ll just throw the sin away when you toss your bread into the water next Rosh Hashana and condemn your chicken to death on Erev Yom Kippur.
10) The Rabbi’s Speech
a) The Rabbi’s speech is an important part of any service. If you are going to walk out, be sure to do it AFTER he has started to let him know just how bored you are. If you chose to stay inside, you should assume the speech is a personal conversation with you and feel free to bombard the Rav with shai’los.
b) If the rabbi brings up a secular topic, such as an impending nuclear war, the speech must include allusions to where in the Torah, via Gimatria, the Eibeshte predicted that it would happen. If, by some horrible chance, the rabbi does not add musar to any topic he discusses the kehillah is permitted – neigh, encouraged – to stone the rabbi.
11) Pronunciation
a) Even though we don’t live in an old European shtettle, be sure to pronounce every “oo” sound like an “ee” sound to seem more pious. Only those traifah yids who send their children to “public school” Yeshivas like Flatbush, HAFTR, and Ramaz actually pronounce the words the way they are supposed to be said. But we know better.
b) Be choosy as to when to switch the pronunciation. Not every “oo” sound becomes “ee” lest this tradition be co-opted by the less faithful. Only do it at specific times, to further demonstrate that we don’t believe that this is the actual way to pronounce the word, but rather that we just want to be different. After all, we never say “Nee York City.”
c) These rules only apply when others can hear you. When praying alone, by all means, say the words as they should.
12) Attire
a) What one wears in Schul speaks volumes. In fact, it says more than all of the tephilos put together. Therefore, more attention should be paid to what you have on your back than what comes out of your mouth.
b) Heads must always be covered in Schul, and the more layers the better.
c) We dress according to day. Therefore, use this handy guide to help you:
(i) Sunday: Men should wear jeans, or khakis, since it is a day off. That way, we can all get the idea that our lives are not dominated by thoughts of the Almighty Eibeshte, even though it is. Women have no business being in Schul on Sundays and should be home cooking omelets.
(ii) Weekdays: Men should dress according to their job. Business men and professionals must wear their suits, but not – chas v’shalom – the ones they save for Shabbos. Blue-collar workers should have a tool belt on. Yeshiva buchurs, as always, should be in the same wrinkled black suit with the same chullent-stained shirt as always. Be sure to have your cell phone handy and to have the ringer on loud.
(iii) Shabbos and Yontif Shacharis: Suffice to say you MUST put the fashion runways in Paris and Milan to shame. Armani©, Hugo Boss©, and Barney’s New York© suits are appropriate for men, complete with Polo© Ralph Lauren shirts and Bruno Magli© shoes. If a woman has the nerve to appear in Schul in a dress costing less than $600.00 then she should be asked to leave by the other women before corrupting the young women of Ba’as Yisroel. Fine jewelry must also be worn. When wearing rings, be sure the hand with the rings is the one that turns the pages of the Siddur when you are pretending to pray. Otherwise, nobody will see the 45 carats. Nobody expects children to be wearing anything nearly that fancy, so get them a cheap $200.00 suit from Banana Republic©.
(iv) Shabbos and Yontif Mincha-Maariv: Wear the same thing you wore earlier, only don’t have your tie on. Do this despite the fact that you sneered the night before at the apikorsim who did not wear ties to Kaballat Shabbos.
(v) Rosh HaShana and Yom Kippur: We ensconce ourselves in white to try to fool the Lord into thinking that we have repented our sins. Also, don’t wear any gold jewelry since that reminds the Eibeshte of Cheit Ha’Eigel. We don’t think too much of the Lord’s memory.
(vi) Purim: Same rules as above, only men should abandon their black felt hats and adorn ten-gallon cowboy hats and Groucho Marx glasses. Jewish men are such a hoot.
d) Other Rules:
(i) Gartel: A gartel – a long, black, phallic looking cloth belt – should be worn around the waist in order to create a separation between the head & heart and the genitals. One should not think of sex when praying, and the gartel prevents this from happening. Also, be sure to tie the gartel around your penis itself and cut off its blood flow until it’s gangrenous. This also helps prevent you from thinking about sex.
(ii) Bekkeshe: A bekkeshe, a black robe, should be worn with white stockings to further emasculate yourself in front of the Lord. It also helps make you an irresistible target for the local Anti-Semites.
(iii) Streimel: A streimel is an old-fashioned round fur hat, worn mostly by chassicic Jews. It is considered a big mitzva to wear a streimel on Shabbos to allow a refuge for migratory birds.
(iv) Tallis: Men, during Shacharis, wear a tallis. The tallis must conform to everyone else’s in Schul: it should be plain white with black strips. If your tallis has blue or multicolored stripes, you will no doubt be asked to leave any G-d-fearing congregation. Sterling silver plates may be linked together to help make the tallis yet another overpriced item Jews spend money on.
(v) Tephilin: After their Bar-Mitzvah, Jewish men and boys wear tephilin, or phylacteries: small, black boxes of leather that contain parchment with Torah verses in them. The purpose is to create yet another level of economic disparity between those Jews who can afford high quality tephilin, and those who cannot. Tephilin is worn only during morning prayers, though not on Shabbos or Yontif. This is because we “rest” from this ridiculous and unnecessary tradition on those days.
(vi) Kittel: On Yom Kippur, all married men wear a white robe called a Kittel. This is to show how pure we all are, as well as clearly identify who is the biggest sinner of all by going to have a sip of schnapps and a keichel on the holiest fast day of the year. The kittel reveals all crumbs and stains.
CHAPTER 2: KOSHER FOOD AND EATING
A) Kosher
The laws of kosher are the Jewish dietary laws. They concern what may be consumed, how an animal must be slaughtered, how to prepare food, and what foods may be combined. As with all other Jewish laws, they have been taken to levels that even the Lord did not foresee.
1) KOSHER FOODS
a) All vegetation is kosher. Despite this fact, the rabbis felt that had to put their two cents in on vegetation and therefore decreed that anything with grape made by a non-Jew may not be consumed by a Jew so as to prevent Yidden from migling with non-Yidden wherein weak Jewish males might be tempted sexually (it always comes back to this) by filthy shiksas (who, it should be noted, are even more slutty than their Jewish counterparts). So, we cannot drink wine made by a non-Jewish person, or eat anything made with grapes, such as cakes, meats or fish cooked with non-Jew grapes, or even Skittles. I certainly agree that I would be tempted to sin were I to eat a grape Skittle or Nerds candy.
b) Only mammals that have split hooves and chew their cud are kosher. Why, you ask? Well, I’m not going to tell you.
c) We may only eat birds that are not birds of prey. This means that they may not eat other animals. Apparently, the rabbis don’t feel that worms and insects are animals, since all birds eat those, but this is really just a question of semantics I suppose.
d) Fish must have fins and scales to be kosher. It is not acceptable to scotch tape or staple the fins and scales later. The fish must be born with them.
e) We are absolutely forbidden to eat any reptile or amphibian. This is so in order to help prevent Jews from going to New Orleans, lest they participate in Mardi Gras or show their boobies for beads.
f) Almost all insects and invertebrates are not kosher, save for one species of locust. The rabbis conveniently forgot which one it is and don’t bother trying to remember because they are spending too much time trying to figure out if you have to give meiser from a grain of salt.
2) Slaughtering Animals
a) For animals to be kosher, they must be killed properly pursuant to the laws of Schita. The animals may only be killed by an expert slaughterer called a shochet. Shochets train for years, studying:
(i) how to humanely kill animals,
(ii) the laws of kosher, and
(iii) how to jack up the price of kosher meat to insane levels. It is this last part that truly separates the kosher from the non-kosher.
b) A shochet uses a knife that is perfectly smooth, with absolutely no nicks in it. If a Nick is found, then Nick is asked to leave. Ba-dump bump.
c) The shochet takes hold of the animal and then drives the knife right through its friggin’ throat. The cut must go a minimum of half-way through the neck of the animal and sever its windpipe and main artery for the animals to even possibly be kosher. If the shochet doesn’t do it, the animal is sewn up and the shochet tries again.
d) After the killing, the shochet removes the internal organs and sticks his hand into the animal’s lungs. If the shochet finds a moom, the animal is not kosher. Luckily, nobody really knows what a moom is, so most animals pass the test. The shochet will throw out an animal every so often just to make it look like he knows what he’s doing and thereby justify his crazy prices.
e) The Gid Hanash’e is removed due to the fight Jacob had with Eisav’s angel. This makes sense, though nobody knows how.
f) Jews may not consume blood, unless it is the blood of Christian children baked into their matzos. Therefore, meat is salted and soaked to remove the excess blood. The salt is then put into chicken soups sold at take-outs like Meal Mart.
g) The Talmud refers to two kinds of fat that animals have: cheilev and shuman. One may be eaten and one may not. However, nobody knows the difference, so we’re all just living in sin and denial.
h) Despite the Torah’s aim to have us kill an animal as humanely as possible, nobody seems to have a problem with just letting fish suffocate on the decks of ships.
3) Food Preparation
a) Even once food is deemed kosher, it can still be defiled by just coming into contact with non-kosher food, being prepared with the same utensils or implements as non-kosher food, or being served on plates that have been used for non-kosher food. Judaism has fostered in us an instinctive revulsion towards anything that may even remotely be non-kosher. Witness how good frum Yidden will react to non-kosher food as if they are being presented with strychnine.
b) As a result of these rules, a second set of dishes, a separate sink, and separate set of towels and sink rack, and even separate dish washers must be used. Just like the ancient Israelites always did.
c) The entire kosher kitchen must always be kept clean of non-kosher food like a bubble-boy being kept from germs. The type of material that a surface or utensil is made from may also determine what the item can be used for and what to do if we mess up. The general rule is this: if you accidentally use a utensil for a food product that it was not meant to be used for, and nobody saw you, just wash it off in the sink, put it back in the drawer, and walk away. If somebody did see you, shriek as though you have just released a demon from the underworld to stalk humanity.
d) Pottery, metal, and wood can be used for dairy, meat, or neutral. Once they are dairy or meat though, that’s it – they are stuck that way for good. If they are used for a food of the opposite sex (by sex, I mean dairy or meat of course) the food is deemed unfit for eating and must be destroyed. Or given to a non-Jew. They’re going to hell anyway.
e) Glass seems to have rules of its own. Discuss it with your rabbi. He’ll be impressed.
f) Remember: counter tops and table tops are the same as all other items for food preparation: if nobody saw you, it didn’t happen. It’ll just be between you and G-d.
4) Combining Foods
a) The Torah forbids us to boil a kid goat in it’s mother’s milk. So, naturally, we took this way overboard and decided that meat and milk can never be eaten together.
b) For some reason, we decided that poultry is the same as meat, and so we cannot combine poultry with milk either. But not fish. Fish can be eaten with milk. Am I the only one here that is getting the impression that this is all just being made up as we go along?
c) As discussed infra, for some reason fish cannot be consumed at the same time as meat. So be sure to have extra plates for fish and don’t you dare let a single piece of veal touch it.
d) Once meat is consumed, a Jew must wait a certain amount of time for the food to be digested before he or she can eat dairy again. How long you must wait depends on where you come from since, as everyone knows, people from Germany digest foods much faster than people from Poland, and therefore a German person need only wait three or so hours between meat and dairy while the Polish person must wait into the fifth hour at least. We are indeed insane. Far be it for us to just wait like five minutes between the two. No, we must wait hours. What this accomplishes, I have no idea. Of course, we don’t have to wait more than five minutes to eat meat after eating dairy. Is everybody getting this?
B) Eating: As anyone who has seen the gut of a typical Jew can testify, eating is an integral part of the Jewish life. And, as with all other aspects of Jewish life, there are plenty of rules and regulations concerning the consumption of food.
1) Prior to eating, one must make a blessing. Which blessing depends on the type of food. If one does not want to make a blessing, just eat food that isn’t kosher since there is no appropriate blessing for it anyway. And you wouldn’t want to eat without making the appropriate blessing, now would you?
2) A meal, according to Hallacha, is a serving of food where bread is eaten. Before eating the bread, one must wash his or her hands ceremoniously. Fill a cup with water and pour water on each hand three times. If the cup is made from plastic or is a regular drinking cup, then you are not a good Jew. The cup should be made from silver or pottery and serve no other function than for the ceremonial washing of the hands. If the cup is from Israel, then so much the better. After washing, make the blessing for washing the hands. Now you can’t talk until you bless the bread and eat it. The only word you can say is the word “New.” You can say this word as often as you like. This is particularly useful when you wash, have not eaten bread yet, and someone asks you if your new car is new or old. You can also grunt, wheeze, and otherwise communicate with anyone to get across whatever it is you want to say, such as “Get the salt”, “Pass the ice”, or “You’re a schmuck.” We must obey the letter of the law, not the spirit. If you do accidentally speak, throw up your arms and blame the person to whom you spoke, and go wash again. If you spoke to G-d, don’t blame him.
3) When eating is done, there are (SURPRISE!) more blessings. These also depend on what kind of food was eaten. If you are in a restaurant be sure to murmur your blessings with your lips moving so that everyone watching you thinks that you are absolutely insane.
4) If a meal was eaten, benching must be done. If there are three men or more, they must bench as a mezuman. Mezuman was a Jewish super hero who always reminded people to say grace after meals. We commemorate his efforts by saying a few extra words in his honor.
5) Sometimes, before benching, a mayim achroi'nim set will be passed around. There is no reason for this to be done, but most rabbis agree that the tradition traces back to ancient times when people ran out of gift ideas for newlyweds and began to buy them little cups and saucers. The newlyweds were then forced to use the useless trinkets when the people who gave it to them came over for lunch. So, they filled the cup with water, passed it around, and everyone dipped their fingers into it. And now you know the rest of the story.
CHAPTER 3: HOLIDAYS
A) SHABBOS
1) Introduction to Shabbos
a) Shabbos is the Jewish Sabbath, and the Jewish day of rest. One who keeps the Sabbath, like Walter Sobchak in The Big Lebowski, is said to be “Shomer Shabbos” and sometimes “Shomer Fucking Shabbos.” Shabbos commemorates the day that G-d “rested” from creating the world. I’m not sure why people assume that the week should have only seven days, since if it were nine days, we could have a three day weekend every week! After all, it’s not like G-d went back to work on Sunday or Monday, so why should we?
b) Shabbos, like all Jewish Days, begins at night. The night before the Day. They also end before the night. The next night. So, the Day begins the night of the day before the day of the Day and ends the night before the night of the Day. Everybody got that? Now say it five times fast.
c) Shabbos actually begins about an hour before sunset on the day before the Day (we’re not doing this again). Candles are lit to celebrate the occasion since men want to be able to use the 18 minutes, discussed supra. Only the women have to start early. The candles represent the light of Shabbos, or some baloney like that. We light at least two candles, and then one for each child. If a child is adopted, we exclude them.
d) Shabbos is also marked by ceremonial meals at which time a Kiddush is said over wine. If wine is unavailable, use schnapps, whiskey, beer, or something alcoholic. You must get smashed on this holy day.
e) Food is an important element to Shabbos. One must put out a seven course meal fit for hosting the British Ambassador. If meat is not served, do not even think about considering yourself a Jew.
f) In addition to booze, Shabbos is marked by the use of special bread called challah. This is a thick white bread that is braided and sold at inflated prices. We use two loaves at each meal because it’s what the Israelites did. Why they did it is a mystery.
g) Like any good religion, Judaism is basically a cult with a lot of members. And, like any effective cult, the use of songs helps keep everyone in line. In keeping with this fact, there are numerous silly songs to sing around the Shabbos table after the food has been served and alcohol drunk. Requests to begin these songs, called z'mirot, are usually made by annoying girls who have just gotten back from a year of study abroad in Israel and who believe that they will get a chussan sooner if they sing longer and louder. These people must be stopped.
2) Muktza
a) Integral to Shabbos are the laws of Muktza, and if you ever violate any of these laws you will be immediately subject to a chanting of “Muktza Goy! Muktza Goy! You are a Muktza Goy!”
b) The laws of Muktza derive from the construction, upkeep, use, and transport of the Mishkan by the Israelites in the dessert thousands of years ago. Since G-d ordered that all activity concerning the Mishkan was to stop for the duration of the Sabbath, we infer that these activities are forbidden regardless of their context. The rabbis identified 39 primary forms of activity that went into using the Mishkan. Over the years they have since found over 2 and half billion more sub-activities. Just read some of those absurd drushes that come out of Boro Park every Friday. Pretty soon we won’t even be able to go to the bathroom.
c) While we don’t have the time (or memory) to go into all 39 activities that are forbidden, as a practical matter one should refrain from lighting or extinguishing fires, using electricity, using or handling money, handling any item whose use is not crucial to an activity of Shabbos, cooking, carrying outside of an eiruv, or reading or discussing topics of a secular nature. Soon to come will be not being able to eat, sleep, drink coffee, drink alcohol, cry, pass out, pick your nose, wash your hands after going to the bathroom, go to the bathroom, or even develop a cognitive thought in your brain. Its’ how G-d wants it and you’re a Muktza Goy if you don’t conform.
3) Prayers
a) As mentioned above, prayers were instituted to replace the offering of sacrifices. And, on Shabbos, the Mishkan where the sacrifices were brought, was not used. So, naturally, we pray EVEN MORE on Shabbos. Huh?
b) The most important part of the Shabbos prayers is the reading of the Torah during the morning service. Seven men are called to bless the Torah, and one for good luck (Maftir). The Torah is divided into 54 portions read one week at a time. Except for non-leap years when double portions are sometimes read, pissing everyone off.
c) As Shabbos ends at sundown the next day, we mark the occasion by saying the Havdallah. We bless more wine, light another candle, and say goodbye to our day of rest. We also sniff a sweet-smelling spice. The rabbis tell us that it once was “crack” cocaine but the drug laws have resulted in the use of cloves.
B) PESACH
1) Introduction: Pesach is the holiday that celebrates Ahm Yisroel’s Independence. It marked the first time that the Children of Israel truly achieved nation status, thus allowing for the possibility of an independent country, a common history, and lovely periods of civil war. The holiday itself is the single busiest time of the Jewish year, as it celebrates not only Israel’s independence, but also the coming of spring and the planting season in Israel, the miracles of God’s deliverance of Israel from bondage in Egypt, and more laws, rules, and chazzerai than at any other point on the Jewish calendar. It also marks the start of the Major League Baseball season (GO YANKS!). Every rabbi in history who has wanted to make his mark on hallachah but just didn’t have much to offer seemingly just added to the endless list of rules that we are expected to follow. Couldn’t they have just added a dry fruit that we should eat on Tu B’shvat?
2) Chammetz
a) The primary rule of Pesach is the requirement to rid the home of chammetz. Chametz is all leavened bread, and those things made with it. Simple enough, right? Wrong. The rabbis, in their infinite wisdom, have devised a system of destruction to rid ourselves of chammetz more stringent and complex than the US Federal Tax Code.
b) The first requirement is to clean out the entire house, shelves, cabinets and all other cracks and crevices. It is not going too far to rip up your rugs, remove your dental fillings, disassemble your furnace, or burn your garage to the ground to be sure that not a single chammetz molecule exists on your property.
c) A new set of dishes that includes everything from a can opener to a corkscrew is needed. Just like the Israelites did in the dessert.
d) After the cleaning is done, we sell the chammetz that remains in our house to a non-Jew. In other words, we act like meshuga'im for three weeks cleaning and getting rid of every crumb we find, only to lock boxes of cereal, loaves of bread, and open containers of food in another room and claim to have gotten rid of the chammetz. Despite the fact that the chammetz technically and legally belongs to the non-Jew, we would never let him in our house to eat his Rice Krispies or corn muffins. Thus is exposed the farce of this entire process.
e) New food that will be eaten on Pesach must also be purchased, even if you already had the item before and could never have come into contact with chammetz. The idea is to be able to help out the kosher grocers when they drive up the price of coffee to $8.99 for a 2 ounce jar.
3) G’brachts
a) G’brachts is the term used for items made from wheat that are kosher for Pesach, but that have been rendered un-kosher by virtue of adding water to it or cooking it further. The reason for this is because we fear that the added water or cooking time may cause the food to rise. And we don’t want risen food at the table, now do we?
b) G’brachts is Yiddish for “holier-than-thou.”
c) For fun, crack some matza into a bowl of chicken soup when eating at the home of someone who does not eat g’brachts. You won’t believe how a 48 year old mother of four can hurdle over a dinning room table to pull the bowl away an instant before the first crumb hits the broth. If a crumb does make it in, she may very well have a heart attack. Call Hatzallah at 232-1000 and tell them that she had a g’brachts related injury. They will rush over with a defibrillator for her and a blow torch for the now chammetz'dick house.
4) Kitniyot
a) Kitniyot are foods that used to be grown next to wheat fields. So, Ashkenaz rabbis decided that since there is a 1 in a trillion chance that some wheat may have fallen into the kitniyot we must not eat them either during Pesach. These foods include rice, beans, soy, potatoes, and corn. Eat them and burn in hell.
b) While the rabbis give the mixing of wheat argument for not being allowed to eat kitniyot, the real reason is because the Ashkenaz rabbis want show how much more pious they are than their Sephardic counterparts.
c) Even though potatoes are kitniyot, we are allowed to eat them. This is due to the fact that, soon after the kitniyot ban, the rabbis realized that this time they may have gone too far. And, we all love potato kugel.
5) Erev Pesach
a) The night before Pesach we search for the chammetz which is peculiar since that is all we have been doing since Purim. Mom now puts out ten pieces of bread on the newly cleaned counters and we go around with a candle since there would be no chance of burning down the house if we merely turned the lights on. We then take a feather and draw the wretched leaven onto a wooden spoon and drop the whole business into a paper sack. We then say the incantations, and some say we should add the eye of a newt, the ear of a bat, and the tail of a mouse.
b) The next morning we burn the sack with the evil chammetz. The larger the fire, the holier you are the greater cheilek of Olam Habba you will have. The truly devout will burn entire loaves of bread and boxes of cereal, and if you really want to merit some praise hijack a bakery truck and drive it off of a cliff. Say the brocha before it hits the rocks below.
c) First-born males must either fast on this day or participate in a siyum of Mishnayos. This is because the Lord executed all the first-born males in Egypt the day before the Pharaoh set Israel free. In gratitude for saving our lives, we fast since the death penalty should have been meant for us, too. This is peculiar given that this all happened thousands of years ago, but the rabbi sort of gloss over this point.
d) Even though the holiday doesn’t actually start until an hour before sundown like all other holidays, we cannot eat items that are not kosher for Pesach after approximately 10:00 a.m. In addition, we cannot eat matza on this date (or any day in the month of Nissan starting from Rosh Chodosh). This is to ensure that there is nothing to eat on erev Pesach and that we suffer just a little extra. Every little bit helps.
6) The Seder
a) The first night of Pesach (the first two nights outside of Israel, oh joy) we have a ceremonial meal called a Seder to commemorate the exodus from Egypt. This meal is essentially a contest to see who can stay up the latest, eat the most fattening, heavy foods, drink the most alcohol, and abide the most drawn out and boring drushes after a day of endless preparation and being up at the crack of dawn. We don’t need anti-Semites to oppress us – we do a fine job ourselves.
b) The Seder is centered around the Haggaddah, a book that while purporting to tell the story of the Exodus is actually a collection of prayers, sayings, musar from rabbis, and silly songs to sing while drunk. This often goes unnoticed due to the exhaustion of everyone participating.
c) Please refer to my handbook on the Haggaddah for more whining on this subject.
7) The Remainder of Pesach
a) On the first day of Pesach we say T’philat Tal to pray for dew in Israel. We do this by dripping a cup of water on the chazzan. Any congregation that does not do this has not fulfilled the mitzvah of asking for dew.
b) On the second night of Pesach we begin to count the Omer. The Omer is the period between Pesach and Shavuot. We count by days and weeks, by stating for example that this is the twentieth day which is two weeks and six days of this stupidity. Why do we count? Because it’s fun!
c) On the Shabbos during the chol hamoed we read the Song of Songs for no other reason than because it doesn’t seem appropriate to read it on any other day of the year. This one’s as good as any.
d) After Pesach, it is every Jew’s responsibility to get to a pizza shop before midnight. Otherwise, all of the mitzvahs done during and before Pesach are null and void.
C) THE OMER AND LAG BA’OMER
1) As mentioned before, the period in between Pesach and Shavuot is called the Omer. This is a period of mourning and sadness in Jewish life, which in essence makes it like just about every other time in Jewish life.
2) The period is sad because Rabbi Akiva’s students began to die from a plague due to their having no respect for each other. We mourn by abstaining from haircuts, live music, and joyous celebrations during this period. Many Orthodox people also commemorate this period by being extra-intolerant of anyone who dares to not conform to their beliefs during this period.
3) The thirty-third day of the Omer is Lag Ba’omer, which is the day the plague killing Rabbi Akiva’s students stopped. We celebrate by getting a haircut and getting out of school early.
D) SHAVUOT
1) Shavuot is the Feast of Weeks. Why weeks? Because it’s been weeks since Pesach, duh. It also celebrates the time Israel received the Torah from the Almighty Eibeshte, as well as the time that the first fruits of Israel ripen. Without question, this is the greatest holiday of all for the following reasons: the weather is beautiful, there are few extra prayers to say, no succah to sleep in, no matza, no getting rid of chammetz, no fasting, and mom makes cheesecake. A better holiday I cannot conceive of. And I’m not even being sarcastic here.
2) However, as you may have guessed, the rabbis have tried to ruin this holiday as well suggesting that all men should stay up all night studying Torah. And by Torah they mean, of course, Talmud. All night. And not the sleazy portions, either. My guess is that this idea started with women who wanted to hog the cheesecake for themselves when the men came back too exhausted to eat after the long night.
3) Chazzal tells us that a Jew who does not eat cheesecake on Pesach is like a tourist in Mexico who does not have diarrhea: they are simply not experiencing the occasion.
4) Finally, we read the book of Ruth on Shavuot. It’s not too bad, only four chapters long. Finish quick, get home and eat cheesecake and baked ziti and before you know it, wow, yom tov is over! What a great holiday.
E) ROSH HASHANA AND THE ASSERREY YE’MEI T’SCHUVA
1) The Jewish New Year begins at sundown on the first day of the month of Tishrei, even though the month of Tishrei is the seventh month in the year and it is Nissan that’s the first. While the rest of humanity celebrates the start of a new year by eating, drinking, and having lots of unbridled sex, we celebrate by staying in schul and hiring a whiny chazzan to kvetch the prayers for hours on end while everyone falls asleep.
2) Rosh Hashanah marks the start of the Asserret Ye'mei T’shuva which is kind of like the time of year that G-d does a sin-audit. It’s not to dissimilar to the IRS. Much like the tax-collecting agency, both G-d and the IRS are basically all-powerful entities that can do no wrong and will find and punish failure to perform properly no matter where or when the transgression occurs. For both, you are required to present all of your receipts and give an explanation for why you didn’t report certain things. And for both, there is no excuse that will satisfy the reviewer. I take that back. You actually have a fighting chance with G-d, who is kind of a softy when it comes to us chosen people. At least that’s what we believe.
3) The blowing of the shofar, a ram’s horn, most prominently marks the holiday of Rosh Hashanah. The shofar is blown by an expert blower, leading to many in attendance of the blowing to make some inappropriate jokes at precisely the wrong time, this author included. The blasts from the shofar remind us that we should repent, confess all, and promise never to do it again, even though we know full well that we will. Let’s face it, half the time we are just sitting there counting down the time until yom tov is over so that we can begin sinning again.
4) We also mark the holiday by eating apples and “new fruits” with honey, indicating that we hope for a sweet year. It is also so that we can get used to having honey so that when we sit in the succah in two weeks we can attract as many bees as possible and nobody will suggest that we do without the honey this year.
5) After schul on the first day, provided it isn’t Shabbos, begins the opportunity to go do tashlich. This is the key period when we get rid of all of our sins by throwing bread into water to be eaten by fish or birds. How our sins ever got in the bread in the first place is never explained. Why this act helps alleviate our guilt from sinning is another question that is never answered. And furthermore, isn’t it cruel and dangerous for the fish and birds to be eating our sins? And isn’t that t’sar ba le’chaim, which is another sin itself? In any event, tashlich is very important as a social event when boys from Torah T’mima, Chaim Berlin, and Torah V’daas and girls from Shulamith, Prospect Park, and Beis Yaakov can go and flirt with each other and alleviate some of the fifteen years of pent up sexual tension for the first time in their lives under the pretense of doing a mitzvah. Luckily, the teachers and rabbis from these institutions are patrolling Ocean Parkway like the religious police in Saudi Arabia, making sure that any boy or girl found within fifty feet of a person of the opposite sex will be put into academic cheirum, meaning they will be expelled for soiling Ahm Yisroi’el’s good name. Meanwhile, the rabbis are just there to see some ass themselves.
6) The rest of the Asserret Ye'mei T’shuva are spent making feeble attempts to assuage the anger of the Lord. If you think about it, the Orthodox vision of G-d is that of a local Mafia Don that demands respect and compliance with his orders, and the Asserret Ye'mei T’shuva is the time period when it’s time to pay the tribute. We pray, and give charity, and repent like a college kid during exams when he spent the semester drinking and hanging out at the pool hall. But, apparently, religious cramming works.
F) YOM KIPPUR
1) Introduction to Yom Kippur
a) Yom Kippur is the last day of the Asserret Ye'mei T’shuva and the holiest day of the year. We are required to fast from sundown to sundown and spend the day in schul praying and begging for forgiveness for our sins. It is believed that on Rosh Hashana the judgments of humanity are written down and on Yom Kippur they are sealed. Frankly, the idea of G-d sitting up in heaven with a little scale, calculator, and book of life smacks of paganism, but this is the image we seem to want to create for the kinderlach.
b) The laws of muktza of Shabbos apply on Yom Kippur, so be sure to bring plenty of diversionary reading material with you when you go to schul before candle lighting.
c) We also wear non-leather shoes to schul, since leather shoes are comfortable, so instead we have to wear our more comfortable sneakers.
2) Erev Yom Kippur
a) In the morning, we admit that throwing the bread into the water was a silly way to get rid of our sins, so we do something much more rational: we waive chickens over our heads and declare “This be’ith the sinner, Oh Lord!” We then slaughter the evil chicken and devour it for dinner. Serves the evil chicken right for causing us to sin. And then we are all sin free! It is also preferable to do this ritual outside, so that all the non-Jews can see you. Maybe this act of piety will then inspire them to stop sinning, too.
b) We prepare for the fast by usually building the succah. This is a key tradition and must always be followed. Even if the succah isn’t decorated today, the walls and s'chach should go up.
c) Before nightfall, it is a mitzvah to eat as much as we can in preparation for the upcoming fast. This makes little sense since the whole point of fasting is to deny ourselves comfort during the period of repentance, but we never pass up a chance at chicken, rice, and babka.
d) *NOTE: If erev Yom Kippur is a Sunday, be sure to set your VCR to tape the ESPN late night Sunday football game.
3) Yom Kippur Night
a) The services being with the Kol Nidrei service, which is not a prayer, but rather a declaration that any promises we made in the past are now null and void. Why do we do this? Since we obviously are setting up G-d for more promises we have no intention of keeping, obviously. I seriously don’t know why G-d puts up with us. We need another mabul.
b) The prayers of Yom Kippur night, as all prayers of the times of repentance, involve many Selichot. These are prayers with long, difficult words that everyone mouths and pretends to say and then, when the chazzan reaches the end of the portion, screams as loud as they can the “Vaya’avor” part so that everyone else thinks they have said everything. This farce will be repeated ad nauseum for the next 24 hours.
c) People should be sure not to go to sleep after schul on Yom Kippur night, and to stay up all night learning massechet Yuma. If you get bored with Yuma, find a bar where the TV is on and watch the rest of the Dolphins-Patriots game.
4) Yom Kippur Day
a) Prayers start earlier than usual – by 8:00 a.m. – even though most people will not get to schul until their usual time between 9:00 and 9:30. After about twenty five minutes of davening, it’s time for a break so whip out that book on the Russian Revolution you brought with you last night. You must keep your focus.
b) No day of introspection for a Jew would be complete without two things: an appeal, and the auctioning off of aliyot. This is to remind us that G-d loves those with money more than those without, and that those who cannot afford $5000 for P’sicha Neilah are the real sinners in the room who are preventing Mashiach from coming imminently. Be sure to look around the room and sneer at those sinners. If you are between the ages of 18 and 30, be sure to get into a bidding war for Shlishi with your chevra, just so then you can give it to the guy you were bidding against. This will add at least twenty minutes to what is already a seven hour prayer session, but nobody will mind since it is le’sheim shamei’im. At the appeal, ask the gabbai who is walking around and taking bids to announce yours as anonymous even though everyone just saw who he spoke to.
c) When it comes to the Vidui, or confession, beat your chest as if your trying to give yourself the Heimlich maneuver. Remember, if your chest doesn’t display a nice red welt, then you were not sorry enough.
d) As the day draws to a close, and we are all pretty sick of the sound of voice of the annoying chazzan, we blast the shofar one last time and say “Next Year in Jerusalem!” even though we know we aren’t going anywhere. Nothing like starting off this new year with a lie! Now go home. Bagels and cream cheese await. Maariv can wait.
G) SUCCOT
After the days of repentance we celebrate Succot, the harvest festival. This holiday is marked by two key features: leaving comfort of our houses to eat in a shack decorated with colored tin foil and fake fruit, and doing a baffling rain dance with a lemon, palm, and an assortment of leaves. We also read Meggillat Kohelet on Shabbos of chol hamoed, making it a very, very long davening.
1) Succah
a) The mitzvah of the succah is to live in a temporary dwelling for the period of the holiday. Most of us have no intention of doing any such thing, and are content to have picnics in the succah instead.
b) The succah can be made of anything, but you’re not really frum unless yours is made of fiberglass or wood panels. If someone’s succah is made from canvas and tied to metal pipes be sure that no one ever makes a shiduch between those people’s children and your tattalehs. The succah is covered with schach, which we have decided is bamboo. Where the Israelites ever got bamboo in the Sinai dessert I will never know. Maybe there were some pandas around who had some left over from lunch. We decorate the succah with colored pieces of tin foil, plastic strings of fake fruit, and Christmas lights. The Israelites did the same thing, and also made a trip to G & Sons (when it was open) every year to add to the decoration collection.
c) From the succah, one must be able to see the stars at night. If there are trees in the area, they must be trimmed to a height of at least ten t’phuchim. If some snotty-nosed little Yeshiva buchur comes over and tells you that the trees have not been trimmed enough for it to be a kosher succah, tell him to go t’phuch himself.
d) All meals must be eaten in the succah. When the bees come, it is just because they want to fulfill the mitzvah of eating in the succah, too (I swear I remember someone telling me this in all seriousness when I was young).
2) Lulav and Etrog
a) Since Succot is the harvest season in Israel, we now begin to pray for rain in Israel for the winter season. We do this by taking the Lulav and Etrog and dancing around the schul with it. This pleases our G-d.
b) The lulav ceremony involves four types of vegetation: a palm branch, a citron, three myrtle branches, and two willow branches. These are representative of the four types of vegetation in Israel. When taken together they must have magic powers since we believe that G-d will respond by sending rain. Be careful when handling them, or you may get wet. It is important that you spend at least $65 to $70 on each lulav set you buy. In addition, buy a metal or velvet box for your etrog and a case for your branches. This should all cost at least $100 each to carry around items that are worth no more than 1/100th of a cent.
3) Hoshana Rabba: The last day of Succot is Hoshana Rabba. We take the lulav and etrog and dance around even longer with it. In the end, we smack the willow branches on the ground to show our G-d how pissed we are that it isn’t raining. Now he’ll listen to us.
H) SHMINI ATZERRET and SIMCHAS TORAH
1) The day after Hoshana Rabba is Shmini Atzerret. This is a holiday marked by absolutely nothing – except the request for rain. We ask G-d to give Israel rain, sans the lulav and etrog, and then throw a cup of water on the chazzan as a joke. The congregation finds this amusing year after year.
2) Outside of Israel, the next day is Simchas Torah. This is the time when we complete reading the Torah, and then begin reading it anew. The celebration of the Torah involves the men dancing around a room with the holy scrolls, while the filthy women are kept behind a barricade with the children to sit and watch. Women must NEVER, EVER, even think about forming their own circles or touching the Torahs. We must always assume that women are tamei and therefore they must be quarantined behind the tables and mechitzas.
3) The procession with the Torah scrolls are called “Hakafot” (singular: Hakafah). Every male present must get a Hakafah, even if it is just for one short circle through the procession. The order of who gets a Hakafah first is as follows:
a) The Rabbi
b) The President and officers of the Schul, since they make the rules anyway
c) The wealthier member of the Schul
d) The wealthy member’s children
e) The elderly people
f) Anyone convicted of a white collar crime
g) Anyone indicated, but not convicted, for a white collar crime
h) The members at large
i) The children
j) Men wearing a knitted, as opposed to velvet, yarmulka
4) Each Hakafah begins with a new group of men carrying the scrolls circling the floor, and being led by the one with the worst voice calling out specific prayers in a form of cadence. After the cadence the Hakafah continues with the singing of songs, the carrying of the children on the shoulders, and the sexually frustrated young boys throwing glances over to the women’s section.
5) Candy is a prime aspect of Simchas Torah. The schul candy man must bring extra goodies for all the kinderlach. They in turn must spend the day getting on and off the candy lines.
As this is the last major holiday for a while, we find creative ways of drawing the day out. Every male, even those who are not yet Bar Mitzvah, must get an Aliyah. Then we bless all the boys, then we read chussan Torah, and then Chussan Bereishit. Then we say musaf, but only after a major kiddush. By now, we are all drunk and suffering from heartburn, so what say we don’t have any more major holidays for a while, hmm?
I) CHANUKAH
1) History and Significance
a) Chanukah is the Jewish celebration of olive oil, potato pancakes, and jelly donuts. Oh, it also commemorates the Judean revolt against Assyrian-Greek tyranny in the 3rd century, BCE. It seems that the Greeks, after the time of Alexander the Great, wanted to impose their Hellenistic religion on the Jews and force them to worship Zeus and the Greek Gods. The Jews refused because they still wanted to waive chickens over their heads, and revolted. They won. After the war, the Jews found that their Holy Temple had been desecrated. So, they cleaned it up and ate latkas and jelly donuts.
b) There is also a load about one pitcher of pure oil to use in the menorah that should have only lasted for one day, but that lasted for eight days – the time it took to make new oil. But that’s just a bunch of garbage that they tell the kids. Jews kicking ass is what this holiday is really about. And we better remember it since it was the last time Jews kicked ass for the next two thousand years.
2) Laws of Chanukah
a) The primary mitzvah of Chanukah is to eat latkas and sufganiyot, or jelly donuts. This is to commemorate the oil, especially since Jewish food during the rest of the year is not greasy at all.
b) We also light the menorah for all eight days of Chanukah. Each night we start lighting one candle or oil lamp and then add one for each subsequent night. We also light one candle or lamp called the shammash, which is for good luck. After all the candles or lamps are lit we make the blessings, sing Ma’oz T’zur, make a wish, and blow all the candles out.
c) On Chanukah we also give out gifts because Jews are jealous of Christmas. There, I said it.
d) S
J) TU B’SHAVAT Tu B’shvat is the Jewish Arbor Day, when the trees in Israel begin to re-bloom. There are no special prayers, no ceremonies, and usually we don’t even get a half a day of school out of it. What do we get? A pekeleh with dried fruit and nuts. There’s nothing a child wants more than dried figs, dates, carob, and raisins. Eat the peanuts and be glad that the teacher has put the Chumash down for a few minutes.
K) PURIM
1) Introduction to Purim: Purim is the holiday that celebrates the events of Meggilat Ester. It is when the Jewish Queen of Persia and Media convinced the King to not execute the Jews in his kingdom. The King agreed, and so naturally we dress up in costumes and send food packages to each other. Read my commentary on Meggilat Ester for more information.
2) Laws of Purim
a) The day before Purim is Ta’anit Ester, the Fast of Esther. We fast because Ester fasted before she went to the King to ask him to spare the lives of the Jews in his kingdom. We also fast because all Jewish holidays must have some form of suffering.
b) On Purim night, we read the Megillah. The most important elements of this tradition are to be sure to hear every word, not to speak or break your concentration, and to fire your cap gun when the name of the villain Haman is mentioned. It is a bigger mitzvah the more noise you make, so feel free to bring champagne poppers, air horns, graggers, squeaky hammers, keyboards, and tubas to schul. The whole event should take no more than half an hour, but luckily the kids will drag it out to forty-five minutes at least.
c) We listen to the Megillah again in the morning. Go to early minyan and be done early, or face the wrath of the kids who go with their moms to the nine o’clock minyan.
d) We take food in packages to our friends and family for the mitzvah of mishlo’ach manot. Each package must contain foods that require at least 2 different blessings and be sent to at least 2 different people Why? Why not?
e) The quality of mishlo’ach manot has gone up in recent years. It now must cost each family at least $500 each Purim to send them. Woe unto the person who is given a hard salami and Dijon mustard in a Coach© Purim bag and gives back a plastic baggie with a peanut chew and an orange in it. He will be on “the list” for next year.
f) We also mark the holiday by giving a lot of charity, a very nice gesture. Unfortunately, the buchurim have taken this opportunity to get drunk, dress up in big, pink bunny rabbit suits and go from house to house in limos to dance and ask for donations to Yeshivas or to get their rebbe’s out of jail because, after all, they didn’t know that those accountants of theirs were laundering money for the Colombian drug cartels. If the doorbell rings, shut the lights and get a shotgun.
g) The holiday ends with a se’udah, or ceremonial meal, that must be started before sundown on the day of Purim. For all of the flaunting of the rules and regulations of Judaism, one mitzvah that all the buchurs are very proud to fulfill is the one to drink enough so that you cannot tell the difference between the names of Haman and Mordechai. This they are proficient at, so drive home safely.
L) THE FAST DAYS: There are a handful of fasts that are kept year-round. This is to remind us that we must always suffer as people. With the exception of Tish’a B’av, all fasts begin sometime between 4 and 5 a.m. on the morning of the fast, and end at sundown. Tish’a B’av is extended for 25 lovely hours in the searing heat of summer.
1) Shiva’a Asar B’tamuz and the Three Weeks
a) This fast commemorates the day the Babylonians breached the walls of Jerusalem and began sacking the city around 586 BCE. The fast also reminds us that it is only three weeks to a more important fast and so people usually don’t mind blowing this one off.
b) The fast also marks the beginning of the Three Weeks. The Three Weeks are the three weeks between Shiva’a Asar B’tamuz and Tish’a B’av. Within this period are the Nine Days, which are the nine day before Tish’a B’av. We come up with wonderfully creative names for these days, don’t we? During the Nine Days we are told not to eat meat, not to listen to music, and not to swim. Swim? You know that if it wasn’t summer swimming would never have been an issue. Nobody says not to swim on Asara B’tevet.
2) Tish’a B’av
a) This somber day is the saddest on the Jewish calendar, making it one pretty damn sad day. It commemorates the day both the Babylonians and Romans destroyed both the first and second Holy Temples. It’s also the day that Beitar, the last independent Jewish city during the Roman period, was destroyed, and was the deadline for the Jews to leave Spain in 1492 at the culmination of the Spanish Inquisition. And, according to the Torah, it was the day that the Children of Israel cursed G-d after the spies came back from Canaan and reported that there were many strong nations in the land. This was not a good day.
b) We fast from sundown to sundown, and spend the day trying to stay near an air conditioner. We also sit on the floors instead of comfortable chairs, but wear non-leather shoes like sneakers which makes us more comfortable so comfort is pretty much a wash on this day.
c) The night of Tish’a B’av we read Meggilat Eicha, which was written by the prophet Yirmiyahu. We also do not put on tephilin during shacharit the next morning, but do put it on at mincha. So if you’re not going to go to schul at some point anyway, skip the morning and sleep in. If you do go in the morning, we read the Kinot, sad poems (isn’t that redundant in Judaism?) that lament many of the terrible things that have happened to the Jewish people. There are A LOT of them, go figure. Most people conk out and leave after about twenty minutes anyway, so go take a shluff and then rent movies from Blockbuster with a Jewish theme like Yentl, The Frsico Kid, and Nazi propaganda films.
3) Tzom Geddalya: Tzom Geddalya is a fast that commemorates the assassination of the Jewish Governor of Israel after Cyrus the Great allowed the Jews to return to rebuild the Holy Temple shortly after the events of Purim. It is observed on the third day of Tishrei, giving us something else wonderful to look forward to on Rosh Hashana. This is the least kept fast of the year for three reasons: 1) even if Geddalya hadn’t been assassinated, he’d be dead now anyway, 2) the big fast of Yom Kippur is only a week away, and 3) would Geddalya have fasted for you if you had been assassinated?
4) Asara B’tevet: This is that fast that commemorates the day that the Babylonians and Romans laid siege to Jerusalem in 69 C.E. It is marked by everyone stating during the day “Oh, I didn’t realize that today was Asara B’tevet. Oh well.”
5) Tzom Sheini-Chamishi-Sheini: These fasts are observed by holier-than-though, goody-two-shoes, pains-in-the-ass, frumy-bummys on the first Monday, Thursday, and second Monday after Pesach, Shavuot, and Succot. The fasts are held to ask for forgiveness for any sins that were committed during the drunken revelry of the previous holiday which, in the cases of these hypocrites, are likely very considerable.
M) ROSH CHODESH
1) The start of every Jewish month is also a time of celebration which, in Orthodox Jewish terms, means more prayers and not much else. The Shabbos before Rosh Chodesh, just before musaf, the gabbai announces to the congregation the day and time the month will change. For some reason, he does so in Yiddish and nobody has the guts to ask why.
2) On Rosh Chodesh we say the Hallel and Musaf and read an extra Torah portion. We also forget to say Ya’aleh V’yavo during benching so that others can tsk-tsk us.
N) THE NON-RELIGIOUSLY BASED HOLIDAYS: There are several other days on the calendar that are celebrated or commemorated, despite their not having a religious basis. Clearly, the more of these you recognize, the less frum you are.
1) Yom Hasho’a: This is the day that commemorates the Nazi Holocaust. It is celebrated by having your grandparents come to school and tell everyone what it was like in old Europe.
2) Hey Iyar: The fifth day of the month of Iyar is Israel’s Independence Day. Modern Orthodox and less religious schools celebrate it with singing, dancing, and many people even say the Hallel in gratitude to G-d. Good religious Yeshiva’s, though, ignore it since, as we know, the government in Israel is comprised of unreligious heathens and the state is invalid until the Mashiach comes and drops a new Holy Temple on the Dome of the Rock in Jerusalem.
3) Yom Yerushalai’im: This day celebrates the day that the Israeli army liberated the Old City of Jerusalem from the Jordanians in 1967. It is treated the same as Hey Iyar, above.
4) Yom Hazikaron: This is Israel’s Memorial Day. Moments of silence are held in many Jewish institutions except in frum beis ha’midrashes where the study of Talmud must never cease.
CHAPTER 4: MARRIAGE AND DIVORCE
The union of a man and woman is the ultimate joy in Jewish life. It’s getting to that point that is the real pain.
A) Dating
1) Dating in the Orthodox world is unlike dating in any other society on Earth. For starters, dating – as it is commonly known – is frowned upon. The purposes of secular dating – love, happiness, sexual gratification – are frowned upon. There is but one valid purpose for dating in the Orthodox Jewish world: to get married and then fulfill the mitzvah of pru ur'vu. That’s it. We are to have children, lots of children, and raise them to follow in our footsteps.
2) Dating in the Orthodox world is done via the shidduch – the setup. The one who arranges the date is known as the shadchan. Under no circumstances are the potential datees to be the shadchans and set themselves up! If you want to date, you are to tell your Tati who will seek out the shadchan to find a fruma yid or fruma maideleh for you to marry to have tattalehs with.
B) Instructions For The Shadchan:
1) Setting up a shidduch is one of the biggest mitzvahs a yid can do. Remember to set people up who have things in common – like large bank accounts.
2) When discussing the suitability of specific boys and girls, there are some things that are of the utmost importance:
a) whether the boy wears a white vs. a blue shirt;
b) what color the tablecloth on the girl’s mother’s Shabbos table is;
c) which kashrus hechsher the families use;
d) how many years the boy has been learning;
e) how much the girls’ mother weighs (its sort of like a crystal ball);
f) whether the boy went to college (we hope not);
g) whether there is anyone in either family that has been divorced, etc.;
h) how much mishnayos the boy has committed to memory;
i) whether the girl is hot.
C) Instructions For The Boys
1) When set up on a shidduch, be sure to say many k’pitl of tehilim before the date. You must ask the Almighty Eibeshte to give you the strength and stomach to get through with the occasion.
2) Prior to the shidduch you should shower for once, button all the buttons on your shirt (through the proper holes), put on your favorite black suit jacket, comb your hair, twirl your paiyis, and shave off your Buchary mustache.
3) Be sure that Tati’s Chevy station wagon is fully gassed up, that the cracked rear-window has a garbage bag over it, and that vomit from your little brother Chaim-Moishee is somewhat cleaned up.
4) It is recommended that you fast on the day of the date. Pray to G-d that you won’t loose your lunch when you see your intended. You knew how bad it could get when you saw your sister Blooma-Raizy’s friends when they came over to study Pirkei Avos.
5) Prepare a nice d’var Torah to tell the girl’s father. Something topical, useful, and current would be nice, such as the proper way to shecht the Para Addumah.
6) Brush off your black hat and tilt it a little to the side so she knows you are a rebel.
7) Remember to take your tephilin with you in case she invites you to spend the night.
8) Try not to throw up when her father answers the door. Ask if Fruma-Faiga is ready to go out, and don’t sigh impatiently when her Ta says she needs a few more minutes. After all, she has only had twenty years to get ready for her first date.
9) Tell her father the wonderful drush you’ve prepared. When your shiduch’s little brother Menachem-Mendel comes into the room and asks if you are here to sleep with his sister keep your cool.
10) When she does appear, do not comment on her appearance lest her father think you are merely interested in her makom eirva. Look away instead.
11) Have her walk behind you to the car lest anyone get the wrong impressions about your intentions. Open the back door for her, but don’t help her get in. If you’re really frum, give her bus fare and tell her where the date will be. Assure her that you will follow her bus.
12) Have the date be in a place where no hanky-panky could take place and where plenty of people can see how uncomfortable you are. A hotel lobby, a library, or Grand Central Station’s platform #4 are all prime locations.
13) Keep the conversation simple and inoffensive. Discuss how many children she wants to have, which school she went to, how many pounds her mother has put on in the past fifteen years (so you know what to expect), whether she has any better looking friends (to set your friends up with, of course), and of course, the parshas ha’shavua.
14) Offer to take your date out for dinner. If she is hungry, Sweet Choice is on Coney Island Avenue and Avenue K in Brooklyn. Buy her an ice cream and thank her for a lovely evening. Tell her you’d take her home but you want to be on time for night chaider. That should impress her.
15) When you get home, be sure to call the shadchan and offer him or her more money next time for a better looking girl.
D) Instructions For The Girls
1) Once a date has been secured, drop to your knees, and cry and thank hashem that he is sending you a chussan given how unattractive you are.
2) Find your most appropriate dress. Like the one you wore to your cousin’s wedding last fall. Also, remember to wear shiny, shiny shoes.
3) It doesn’t matter how tight a skirt is on a girl’s body – as long as it’s a skirt it’s tsniyus and makes you more modest than those whores who wear pants.
4) Put on more makeup than Ronald McDonald.
5) Remember to bring a little seifer of tehilim so that you’ll have something to do in case there is a minute or two of uncomfortable silence.
6) Be sure to have your cell phone with you to call Tati in case the boy gets fresh and tries to come within thirty feet of you. Remember, boys are easily tempted and have no control over their filthy urges (particularly the ones who have had no sexual releases for their entire lives).
7) When your date arrives, make him wait. You must finish saying Maariv, after all.
8) Walk behind your date, and sit in the back seat of his car even if he offers you the front. What kind of a girl does he think you are?
9) Remember that as a Bas Yisroel you are the guardian of modesty and chastity in the world and must do nothing that may turn your date, or any other human being, on. Be sure to walk and sit with your arms crossed. You may be wearing fifty pounds of padding on your chest but he is trying to see your goodies.
10) Don’t let him guide the conversation. He’ll have to learn sooner or later how marriage is going to be.
11) Find out what his plans and aspirations are. Maybe he plans on finishing sha’as for the third time by Succos. Also, find out what he wants to do for a living. For example, if he is going to go to graduate school you may want to consider calling your Tati right away since being a professional will no doubt cut into the time he can sit in the Beis Midrash and learn. He should be taking a job that will leave him with enough time to go to the Beis Midrash for at least six hours every day. BUT, he also must be prepared to support a family of twelve, buy you a better car than your friend’s husbands have, and be able to take everyone to Eretz Yisroel for Pesach each year. You deserve it.
12) If he takes you out for dinner order the most expensive thing on the menu, take one small bite and say you are done. If he dares to have it doggie bagged then he is a cheapskate and does not deserve such a wonderful Bas Yisroel as yourself.
13) Regardless of how bad the date was, if he can stand being with you accept the next date. After all, a bad husband, G-d forbid, is better than no husband, G-d forbid.
E) After one or two dates, you should decide if you want to spend the rest of your life with this person or not. If so, a wedding should be planned and held within three weeks.
F) The Wedding: A wedding is a joyous occasion, especially for the guests. For the bride and groom at a Jewish wedding, that’s another story.
1) Preparation
a) A vurt should be held soon after the engagement is made. To the vurt should be invited everyone who will not be invited to the wedding so that you can get the extra presents.
b) NOTE ON THE ENGAGEMENT RING: al pi hallacha, every girl’s engagement ring MUST be larger than any of her friend’s that she went to high school with who have already gotten married. Therefore, you’re doing yourself a chessed by encouraging your son to marry a 17-year old.
c) There is simply no other way to say this: the wedding must be so expensive so that all of your guests will simply drop dead from the shock of being so impressed when they walk into the hall.
d) A hall must be chosen ahead of time. I recommend that the parents select one at the boy’s bris or the girl’s shalom nekeivah. That way, the couple can discuss it on their first date. If they don’t want to be wed at the same hall we know it won’t work out.
e) Since all of Ahm Yisroel celebrates in a Jewish wedding, all of Ahm Yisroel must be invited. Any less than 500 people at your wedding and you should really ask yourself why you have such sin’as chinam for other yidden.
f) The traditional way of splitting the bill is for the boy’s side to pay for FLOP (flowers, liquor, orchestra, photography), and the girl’s side to pay for everything else. This way, the girl’s side sets the number of guests, the boy’s side determines the fanciness, and each side can claim that the other is skimping on the frills. On the other hand, if you split it down the middle you won’t be able to experience the delights of the in-laws nearly coming to blows over whether the bride’s Cousin Yossel’s brother-in-law and his mishpucha of twelve tattalehs should be invited.
g) There should be no mixed seating, dancing, or any other activity at the wedding hall. If you can afford it, rent two halls, preferably in different cities.
h) Invitations should go out as soon as possible to avoid people planning to go to other weddings on the same day. To be safe, print the invitations the day of the couple’s first date. You may be able to send them out by the evening
i) Be sure to always refer to the bride and groom as the kahlah and chussan and from the point of their engagement until four years after they have grandchildren. This rule applies to everyone, including parents, friends, teachers, business associates, and government agencies. For example, tax returns should read “The Chussan Fruchtbein.”
j) The weekend before the wedding, the boy’s family will through him a aufruf. This is a mini-wedding on Shabbos to which the girl is not invited. The girl must stay at home with her friends for Shabbos-Kahlah where she shows off her ring to her insanely jealous friends for 24 hours. The friends are encouraged to say tehilim all Shabbos that Hashem will send them a ring . . . , err, I mean husband.
2) The Ceremony
a) The chussan and kahlah must fast on their wedding day. This is, apparently, because it is a sad event. The fast is canceled out, however, if the wedding day is Rosh Chodesh, since the rabbi’s couldn’t think of any other hallachas to make up for Rosh Chodosh.
b) At the hall, the chussan and kahlah must say the mincha that is said on erev Yom Kippur with the vidui (confession). This is because they are now off to die and they should make their peace with the Lord.
c) Before the ceremony the chussan is to be sequestered in the chussan’s tish, a small party with inferior food compared to the smorgasbord. A little bit a cake is appropriate and don’t forget the bottle of Old Williamsburg.
d) The chussan is escorted into the kahlah’s room amid fanfare and singing. However, this is also a somber moment and the rabbis remind all not to get too raunchy. The chussan pulls the veil down over the face of his bride after making sure that it is the right girl. This is an age-old tradition dating back to when the chussan’s couldn’t stand the sight of their intended.
e) The ceremony is performed under a chuppah, or canopy, under an opening in the ceiling so that it can rain in. The rabbi reads the kettubah, or marriage contract, out loud for all to hear so we understand the terms even though it’s in a foreign language we don’t understand. The kahlah circles the chussan seven times in honor of Mickey Mantle’s #7. The chussan then says the magic words, and puts a ring on her finger and Voila, they are wed. Don’t try this at home, kids.
f) Immediately after the ceremony, the chussan and kahlah are escorted to the “yichud” room where they will be alone for the first time in their lives. This is to demonstrate that now that they are wed, they can be alone together since, as we all know, no unrelated boy and girl are ever, ever, EVER, alone before they are married. Ahem, RIGHT?
g) Upon entering the reception room, the chussan and kahlah should enter holding hands to pronounce that they are now permitted to touch each other. They then split up, going to separate sides of the room since it’s inappropriate for men and women to be together.
h) During the dancing, the rabbi’s urge that if women insist on parading themselves around like cheap meat, there should be a mechitza at least ten feet high and that extends all the way to the floor. It is often called the Chaim-Berlin Wall (Note: credit for this observation goes to my good friends Sarah and Leib).
i) There should be no undue celebrating, such as bringing a woman into the men’s circle (not even the chussan’s mother), placing the chussan on someone’s shoulders, or the chanting Eishet Chayil (it’s immodest).
j) The whole shebang should be stopped mid celebration to say Maariv, preferably at the climax of the dancing. Too much dancing could lead to loose thoughts and morals.
k) Everyone should stay for the first sheva brochot, even if it’s not held until midnight on a work night and you have a two hour drive to get home.
3) The Sheva Brochot
a) Seven ceremonious Sheva Brochot meals are held immediately after the wedding, usually one a day for a week. The wedding meal itself counts as one, and so six more are held. That way we guarantee that the chussan and kahlah are not doing anything inappropriate like going on a honeymoon and maybe actually enjoying some quality time alone.
b) The Sheva Brochot are marked by an extended benching after the meal. Seven brochot are read over a cup of wine. The wine is passed from person to person, making a total of 49 brochot said over the entire period so, if you are one of the men who don’t get a brocha you pretty much know where you stand in the eyes of the newlyweds. Next time, give a better gift.
c) After the blessings, the wine of two glasses in mixed together by pouring it back and forth. There is absolutely no explanation for this. What probably started it was that a notable rabbi was observed topping off his glass after a blessing with the wine from another glass and everyone just decided that there much be a very good reason to mimic this behavior.
d) Once the last Sheva Brochot meal is held, the wedding is officially over and we can go back to being rude to the chussan and kahlah. They are such assholes, anyway.
G) Divorce
Divorce, though painful, is all too often a consequence of marriage. Though it’s not often said, we know that most divorces are caused by the evil influences of non-Jewish society. The rules of divorce are as follows: men get to seek a divorce and women must accept. Women cannot initiate a divorce, and they are immodest and bad Jews if they do. Accordingly, no rabbi should ever help a woman seek a divorce and instead should be reminded her of her responsibility to her family and the Hakodesh Baruch Hoo. It’s women like this that are preventing the Moshiach from coming this minute.
CHAPTER 5: FAMILY PURITY
A) Women are unclean things. Luckily, we have an entire area of law that prevents them from spreading their fowl bunk all over the rest of the clean, pure men. These are the laws of needa, or family purity, and they must be observed strictly. By women, of course. Men are naturally pure.
B) Once a woman starts menstruating she is considered, for purposes of spiritual cleanliness, impure. She must clean herself by way of a mikva, a special bath that collects pure rain water. Therefore, the woman bathes in water that was sent by G-d himself, rather than water from cisterns that bring up water from the devil.
C) Women do not go to mikvas until they are married since the only reason for them to be pure is to be able to touch a man. And certainly no woman is doing that until she is married. Ahem, right?!?!? (Prospect Park girls, I am looking in your direction).
D) A mikva has precise architectural and engineering needs and luckily I know none of them. In the alternative, a woman can use any natural body of water to bathe, such as an ocean or lake. This is actually the preferred method according to some rabbis. These rabbis, incidentally, often get caught peeping in the bushes with binoculars and their pants down.
E) Once a woman “stains” she is considered needa. She must cease and desist all contact with men, especially her husband. In fact, should the unthinkable happen and she has sexual relations with him while she impure, he will explode. It’s very dangerous and messy.
F) When a woman is needa she must not even come into contact with things that her husband may come into contact with (the filth of tamei is very, very contagious).
G) When the woman stops bleeding she must now count out seven days during which time she does not bleed. These extra seven days are actually not required but were taken on voluntarily by B’nos Yisrael many years ago. While the rabbis often laude the women for this sacrifice that they took upon themselves l’sheim shama’im, it is far more likely that the women simply wanted another week’s reprieve from sleeping with the filthy men they had married which, if these men looked anything like most Orthodox men today, is very understandable. Additionally, a woman must not hand her husband anything directly (she may get some tamei goo on the item) and should, at the very least, separate her bed from her husband. It is actually even better if she leaves the country altogether, but let’s not get picky.
H) On the seventh day after a woman stops bleeding, the woman must prepare herself by bathing and clipping her nails. Truth be told, the entire nail should be removed, with pliers if necessary, and all hair ripped out by the root. The woman then goes to the water or mikva and immerses herself completely three times, and says “There’s no place like home . . .” and PRESTO! she is no longer tamei. How going into the water cleans her is one of the great mysteries of life but, given that we are a religion that believes that waiving a chicken over our heads dispenses with out sins, this isn’t too big a stretch.
I) Once clean, the woman can return to the normal routines of life which, for most Jewish girls, amounts to finding other reasons not to sleep with these kuggel-filled monstrosities they have married.
CHAPTER 6: SEXUAL INTAMACY (stop giggling)
Contrary to popular belief, Jewish dogma considers engaging in sexual contact as something that is approved of and encouraged by G-d and should be enjoyed to the fullest. Of course, it should be enjoyed to the fullest with about a trillion preconditions and rules.
A) Who?
1) According to Hallacha, only married men and women may engage in sexual intercourse, and only between the spouses (nice try). There is a nice long list in Leviticus detailing how many forms of sexual contact are considered abominations. Furthermore, the rabbanim spend a lot of time discussing all of the different types of sexual positions and relationships that are impermissible, so obviously sex is either really important or these rabbis are just really horny.
2) Some rabbai’im who never seem to appear in public have also expressed support via posters on street corners for the concept of a “peelegesh” or concubine. For the sake of “Shalom Bayit”, or household peace, these rabbis would permit a man to sleep with a nubile, young, innocent, zaftig girl so that his sexual cravings should be quenched and so that he will stay married to his pig of a wife rather than seek a divorce. Of course, if a woman even thinks about sleeping with another man for the same reason she should be subjected to 40 lashes immediately.
B) When?
1) As discussed in the section on Family Purity, women are unclean things for half of the month (even though it’s only less than a week, but luckily Bas Yisroel added the extra seven days). So, since you cannot even have your wife pass you a salt shaker during the unclean days, sex is also out.
2) Aside from that, sex is permissible at all times except on Yom Kippur which gives us another reason to love that day.
C) What?
1) Big disputes arise over what is considered permissive sexual contact and sexual positions. While there is some consensus over the minimal of what is allowed, a wide disparity exists over what should be added. The best solution is to have your local Rav come over to your home and to observe what you are doing with your spouse and then let you know whether it is permissible. You will note that the Rav will indicate that you can call him at any time, day or night, and he’ll come right over. Some will even offer to install a “Sex Shai’la” red-phone-to-Moscow style hotline in your bedroom at their expense. These are the truly pious men.
2) The basic rule of what is permissive is as follows: it must lead to ejaculation ASAP. Any delay and sensation of undue enjoyment is inappropriate and an abomination before the Lord. Also, you must attempt to prevent the woman from experiencing any enjoyment from the activity lest she lose control of herself and become a woman of lose morals. Luckily, men don’t have that problem. It’s just when women tempt us that we sin.
3) During sex, it is considered admirable to think of the Eibeshte and even imagine that you are having a menage-a-trois with the Lord in bed with you. It is especially appropriate to whisper sweet Tehilim into the ear of your partner.
4) Restrict your movements as much as possible during sex. The woman should always be on the bottom, even if her chussan weighs 300 pounds and she is a 110 pound wisp. Getting crushed for the sake of pru u’rvu is a mitzva. It is impermissible to engage in anal sex, oral sex, or any other orifice sex. No other position besides woman-on-bottom is allowed, so no doggy-style either. You are not a vilda chaya. Repeat: YOU ARE NOT A VILDA CHAYA.
5) No birth control of any kind may be used at any point in time. Were you to use some form of contraception the man’s precious fluids would be wasted. And there is nothing the Eibeshte hates more than wasting a man’s precious fluids.
D) Where?
1) It is the duty of all parents to ensure that their children attend Chussan and Khala classes before their weddings since, if the children were brought up properly, they don’t have the foggiest notion of how babies are made. Therefore, without the classes, they won’t know where to put their you-know-what.
2) A pious and learned Rav, preferably one with an extensive pornography collection, should give the Chussan classes. The classes should always begin with an emotional and boisterous plea for mechila for even thinking about such a filthy and forbidden subject. The boys must be taught all the rules of mikva, Family Purity, and how to count from 1 to 7. This last part is especially important since they probably have only been studying Talmud from Nursery school on.
3) The Khala classes should be given by the Rav’s wife. She should begin the first class by showing the girls the film Backseat Sluts 4: The Revenge of the Erection since it is considered the most halachicly acceptable film on the subject. The doors must be shut and the windows sealed so that the girls won’t be able to escape when they see what sex is all about. If the Rav has the money, an A Clockwork Orange-style movie theater should be constructed with the girls tied into chairs like Alex the Malchik.
4) After the initial panic attacks and pleas for forgiveness from G-d have subsided, the girls will grow accustomed to seeing a man’s shventzell. Remember: the only experience these girls have with male genitalia is when they change their little brothers. They were never told that it gets bigger. Though, in truth, since we are dealing with Yidden here, perhaps they won’t even notice any difference.
5) The girls must now be taught all the finer points of proper sexual intimacy, such as how to choke back the laughs when Avram-Moishy takes his pants off for the first time. They must also learn how to mentally block out any of the pleasurable sensations they are experiencing. A good way to do this is to tell them that they are Chayav Kareit if they enjoy sex at all. Also, Hashem will curse them with a smaller house than their friends. It’s a lie, but it’s worth it in the end.
6) The classes should end with a joint class with all the boys and girls together. The Rav and his wife should show them exactly how it’s done, complete with the woman saying “no, we just did it the last time you finished Sha’s” and the Rav finishing in 30 seconds while screaming “OYYYY, AVINU MALKIENU!!!!!”
7) If at this point any boy or girl still don’t know “where” to put it, a road map should be given to each, complete with instructions in Yiddish.
E) Why?
1) The question arises as to why the Lord would allow us to engage in such a filthy and provocative practice as sexual intercourse. The answer is: To fulfill the mitzva of pru u’rvu. Since the woman should be impregnated right away, intercourse should occur no more than twice per calendar year.
2) We all understand that a woman getting pregnant requires three participants: the man, the woman, and the Lord. Therefore, if a man places his precious fluids into the woman’s makom eirva, and she does not conceive, it is required that the community draws a negative inference concerning the woman and the way she conducts herself via Family Purity. Quite clearly, if a newlywed bride is not pregnant by the day after the wedding then she is a slut, a whore, and is preventing the arrival of Mashiach with her filthy ways. It must also be stated here definitively that it is never the man’s fault that his wife doesn’t conceive. Always the woman’s.
CHAPTER 7: CHILDREN
A) Bris: A bris is the ritual circumcision of Jewish male children for the purposes of fulfilling our covenant with G-d. While the rabbis discuss many aspects of the bris, the one they shy away from is why precisely G-d would demand mutilating a man’s penis as the price of his favor.
1) A bris is performed on the morning of the eighth day of the baby’s birth. It is done in the morning so that we are still drowsy and weak and are less likely to intervene while someone takes a blade to a baby’s manhood.
2) The baby is carried in and placed on a person called the sandak. The sandak had better either be someone old who will be somewhat unaware of what is happening, or someone who is unfazed altogether by the cutting up of children.
3) The circumcision is performed by an expert called a mohel. Most mohel’s are former butchers who have gotten into too much trouble over the years for being too cruel to the animals.
4) After the foreskin is severed, the mohel sucks some blood out of the baby’s penis. You read that right. He places his lips on a newborn infant’s schlong and sucks the blood out. This is what our G-d demands of us. Sometimes the mohel uses a straw, but a properly trained, old-school mohel knows that for pure sucking power nothing beats flesh on flesh.
5) After the circumcision, a tissue soaked in schnapps is stuffed into the wailing baby’s mouth. He may be crying, but that’s just because he’s cold, or he doesn’t like being bothered. Yes, I would say that having a knife taken to your penis qualifies as being bothered. But the schnapps should make everything better.
6) Once done, the baby’s name is chosen. Then everyone goes to celebrate the fact that some penis flesh has been cut off by eating pink lox. On bagel, with a shmeer.
B) Pidyon Ha’ben: If a woman’s first child is a male, then the couple must redeem the child from a kohen through a pidyon ha’ben. The reason is that originally the priesthood was to be vested in all first-born males. After the sin of the golden calf, however, G-d had it switched to Aaron’s family. But, much like Rumplestiltskin, the kohen’s still have some right to all first-born male children. So, we redeem the children by paying an amount of money to the kohen and guessing his name, also like Rumplestiltskin.
C) Oopsherin
1) For some reason, many Ashkenaz Jews refuse to cut the hair of their male children until they are three years old There are two possible reasons for this: 1) the parents delight in making their boys look like girls, and 2) the parents are cheap.
2) Prior to the cutting, be sure to take a picture of the child against a wall that later you can put a picture of the child, with the hair cut, looking at himself with long hair. Be sure to show the pictures of the child with long hair to everyone in order to traumatize the child.
D) Schooling: It is the duty of all parents to impart to their children the knowledge and wisdom of the Torah. In lieu of doing it themselves, however, most parents opt to send their children to a Yeshiva. It is here that the children will be taught all the nuances and aspects of Judaism, particularly how to obey without question. Be sure to send your child to a school that will not trigger the development of any ability to reason or think or else that is the end of the religion.
E) Bar/Bat Mitzvah
1) When boys reach the age of 13, and girls reach the age of 12, they are Bar and Bat Mitzva respectively. Practically speaking, this means that they are now responsible for their own actions and will suffer the consequences of their sins.
2) A boy celebrates his becoming a man by being called up to Torah for an Aliyah on the first Shabbos after his birthday, having a huge fuss and party made over them, and being counted for purposes of a minyan. Girls celebrate by getting their period.
F) Kibud Av Va’eim: Among the most important mitzvot in the Torah is kibud Av Va’eim – honoring your father and mother. This requirement is traced all the way back to the Ten Commandments (the commandments, not the movie) and is observed in some form or another by virtually every society on Earth. Not so commonly known is that the rabbis approve of, and in fact encourage, not fulfilling this mitzvah if your parents are not practicing Judaism properly. Reasons for not respecting your parents include, but are not limited to: their using warm water on Shabbos, their only devoting three hours a day to davening, your mother wearing pants, your father not wearing his tzitzit in the shower, listening to non-Jewish music, reading a book that was not written by your rebbe, and eating food from a restaurant your rebbe doesn’t approve of. And kids, remember, you can disrespect your aunts and uncles and grandparents, too!
CHAPTER 8: BUSINESS RELATIONS
As a horrible consequence of Adam and Chava not having enough self-control mankind is condemned to having to work for their bread rather than spend their days in Chaider learning Torah. Making a living is necessary and there is a Jewish and a non-Jewish way of going about earning parnassa. A Jew must always remember to conduct himself with the proper amount of business ethics, at least while the shaigetz government is looking. The laws of engaging in business in a Jewish way are limited due to secular laws on the same subjects, but im yirtza Hashem, when Mashiach comes we won’t have to put up with such non-Jewish notions as income taxes or full disclosure.
A) Employer-Employee Relations
1) A Yid must treat his workers as fairly as possible. This is not only because it is the moral thing to do, but also because your non-Jewish workers may come away with a bad impression of Jews and thus create a Chillul Hashem. Of course, if your employees are Jewish, you can treat them as poorly as you want. Beat them if they step out of line. If they threaten to go to authorities, threaten to pay off the local Rav to put them in cheirum if they talk.
2) There is no need to be overly generous with your workers. One day off a week was good enough for Hashem, it should be good enough for them, too.
3) Christmas and Easter and workdays, no questions asked. You should give them off on Lag B’omer and Yom Yerushala’im, however. Of course, it will be without pay.
4) There is nothing wrong with having your workers cut a few corners if they are not Jewish. But that is something a pure Yid should stay away from.
5) It is important to be closed on Shabbos, but you can arrange for your workers to go pick up Yankees tickets for you when they go on sale on a Saturday. This is something the rabbei’im clearly could not have contemplated.
B) Sales and Purchases
1) Remember to use a fair system of weights and measures when dealing with sales and purchases. If you plan on giving some of the extra cash to tzeddukah, you can be “a little more fair” with yourself rather than with your business associates.
2) You should always do your best to patronize Jewish merchants, but remember: only a non-Jew pays retail.
3) Where in the Torah does it say that if you sell to shkootzim that your thumb can’t be on the scale when they buy their traifa food products?
4) If you receive extra change back from the cashier you are required to return it, even to a non-Jew. Hashavat Aveidah is a mitzvah. Of course, if you basically forced the person with a struggling business to sell you items at a price that is basically theft, that’s just business.
5) Nowhere does it say that the price of meat shouldn’t triple around the time of Yom Tov. It’s your fault that cows have fewer calves and chickens lay fewer eggs around Pesach?
C) Advertising: The Torah says precious little about publicity and promotion of your goods or services, but there is one hint as to the proper way to do it: When dealing with stiff-necked people who may not indulge your business, there is nothing wrong with holding a mountain over their heads and threatening to drop it unless they agree. You’ll be surprised how fast they say “Na’asei V’nishma.” If you can’t find a mountain, an 356-magnum will do especially if some hired Sicilians handle it. Capice?
D) Contracts and Business Deals: A Jew’s word is his word and it can’t be broken unless someone offers you the same merchandise at 10% less.
E) Taxes: It will be a cold day in gehennom when a Jew should be obligated to pay taxes to government that doesn’t even have the decency to fund Yeshivas for our 25 year old kolel boys. That said, the only real sin in not paying taxes is getting caught. Hey, do you use the public schools? The free medical clinics? The military? The Metropolitan Museum of Art filled with all those apikores paintings? I don’t think so. Just be sure to get the Cartel back all their laundered money by the deadline.
CHAPTER 9: CHARITY AND CHESSED
A) Introduction to Chessed (and most Jews I have met certainly need to be introduced, since it’s quite clear they have never met before)
1) The Torah teaches us that how we treat our fellow man is at least as important as how we treat G-d. How others perceive us treating our fellow man, however, is MORE important than how we treat G-d or even treat others in reality.
2) All should give to charity what they can. How much is dictated by what they have, what they earn, their expenses, and who will be watching.
3) In schul, you must drop in a few coins into the tzeddukah box. Don’t use bills – nobody will hear them clink.
4) When someone comes to the door asking for tzeddukah send them away if they claim they are starving to death. If they were, how could they have the strength to beg? On the other hand, if they are asking for money for a new Yeshiva for overindulged buchurs who just got back from Israel write them a big check. This is a worthwhile cause.
5) NEVER, UNDER ANY CICUMSTANCES, GIVE MONEY TO A FOUNDATION THAT PROVIDES ASSISTANCE TO WOMEN WHOSE HUSBANDS WON’T GIVE THEM A GET. This only encourages more women to leave their wonderful spouses and further causes tzurros to Ahm Yisroel.
6) The Torah commands us to do two things related to agricultural charity: the Pei’a and the Bicurim. For Pei’a a farmer must leave a large corner of his field un-harvested and free for the poor to pick what they want. For Bicurim, the farmer must not pick up any produce that falls while being picked. Instead, the poor may glean the remainder. Since most of us aren’t farmers, though, it’s enough that we don’t kick homeless people while walking down the street.
B) Specific Mitzvot of Chessed
1) Hachnasas Orchim: Avraham Aveenu had a tent with openings in each direction so that he could see who was passing by in order to invite in guests (it couldn’t just be that he wanted to have a cross breeze while living in the dessert could it?). We must always remember to invite in those who have less than us, unless they smell.
2) Bikur Cholim: Visiting and comforting the sick is a high priority. The Torah always tries to illustrate just how important it is for the young and strong to make the elderly and weak comfortable. We are required to turn off the air conditioner, even in 100 degree heat if some senile old man says he’s cold in July. If the sick person is suffering from a mental illness it is okay to just tell them to stop being such a baby.
3) L’Vayat Hameit: The things we do for the deceased are considered the most selfless acts one can do since the deceased cannot repay you and their will has probably gone through probate.
4) Hachnasat Kahlah: Making the chussan and kahlah happy on their wedding day is a great mitzvah, but it is never nearly as important as complaining to either of them that the food isn’t good, the mechitza is too low, that they look fat in their wedding clothes, or that you’re disappointed that they had the nerve to not give your son a kibbud during the ceremony.
5) Rodeph Shalom: Making peace between two fruma Yids is a great deed. If nobody you know is fighting now, go tell someone at schul that someone said that he wears peiyis implants. Then when they come to blows, you can break it up.
6) V’ahavta L’reiacha Kamocha: This is the universal axiom that all religions have a version of: love one’s neighbor as yourself. This means that you should strive to do things that please others as you would do so for yourself. Of course, if your neighbor insists on ending Shabbos according to a Young Israel calendar, he is not really your neighbor.
CHAPTER 10: LEARNING TORAH
There is no higher good that can be done than learning Torah. Every morning we read off a list of things to which there is no limit as to how much of it a Jew can do, and then read that learning Torah is akin to doing all of them. Of course, what this probably meant was that if one learns Torah properly they will then be influenced to fulfill all of the other mitzvot and live their life out like a mensch. It probably did not mean that one should only learn Torah while ignoring all other aspects of life such as kibbud av va’eim, lushon hurah, respect for your neighbor, making a living, brushing your teeth, or taking a shower.
Nevertheless, it is commonly accepted today that all life is meaningless without learning Torah. Jewish girls often speak of wanting a chusan who learns. This is of course before all of their friends start moving to a big house on Long Island.
One should always remember the story of Rabbi Akiva who started learning only when he was in his thirties. He saw water that had eroded part of a rock, and reasoned that if water could slowly wear away at a rock the words of the Torah could slowly wear away his brain. He then spent years away from his wife and children while he studied Torah all day and night. The lesson here is that it is never too late to brainwash yourself and block out all other aspects of life, including love, lust, and sanity.
When one makes the admirable decision to devote their lives to learning Torah there will often be those who disparage you for not earning a living while your wife has to work three jobs while caring for your twelve children all the while you stroll into schul for the 9:00 minyan every morning and then spend the day discussing the NFL draft while keeping an open mesechet Nedda’rim in front of you and your chavruta. Always remember that it is people like you that are preventing G-d from unleashing his wrath against such a filthy and unpure world. Your wife’s and children’s unhappiness and life of poverty is but a small price to pay for the tremendous good that your learning is bringing into the world. Besides, it beats having to get on the subway at 7:30 every morning or having to file a tax return. Baruch Hashem for tzaddikim like you. Hashem will provide.
CHAPTER 11: THE JEW IN PUBLIC
Living in a goiyeshe world is the lot of most Jewish people today. Even in Eretz Yisroel, the vile immorality of the Edomites has infected the majority of modern Israelis with their “culture,” their “progress,” and their “advances.” Therefore, it is imperative that each and every Jew remember that he or she is a member of an Ahm Kadosh and that they must constantly act to demonstrate their differences from the public at large. Only by consistently being different can Jews truly be an Ohr La’Goiyim – a light unto the nations (or is it blight?). The following is a brief guide on how a Jew should behave when in the presence of those who, shall we say, won’t have the same cheleck of Olam Habah that the rest of us do.
A) Jewish Men: The Masters of Mentschluch’keit
1) Do not spend too much time getting dressed, lest someone think that you care more about your appearance than about Torah. In fact, some chachamim actually recommend spending time making sure that you look disheveled rather than sheveled. This way people will assume that you didn’t spend a lot of time getting dressed because you were too wrapped up in learning Torah. Proper dress will include:
a) Let your tzittzis drip out your pants, pockets, and fly as though you are a homeless man with your clothes in taters (remember, great Jewish men from Mordechai to Yirmiyahu the Navi tore their clothes to lament the destruction of the Bais Hamikdash. Are you better than they are?). This is the only acceptable way of fulfilling the mitzvah of U’re'eetem O’tam. In addition, if anyone wants to inspect your bris, your fly is already open. This saves time for more Torah study.
b) Wear the same crumpled, stained, and wrinkled black suit that you have worn every day since your bar mitzvah. In so doing, you demonstrate that you have been too preoccupied by Torah to worry about purchasing new clothes. The suit must be black, though dark gray is also allowed by some authorities. Others simply say that the gray they are allowing is nothing more than a black suit that is so dirt-stained that it appears gray.
c) UNLESS YOU ARE GOING TO SCHUL OR A SIMCHA, DO NOT WEAR A NECKTIE. Neckties were worn by the worshippers of Ba’al as a sign of their devotion to performing Avodah Zara. This also explains why the “modern orthodox” segments of the population insist on performing a constant chillul hashem by wearing ties. If your employer insists that you wear a tie, be sure it is stained, and improperly fastened. You could also tie it in a knot around your shventzel to cut off the circulation. This way, you will also be performing the mitzvah of preventing yourself from getting aroused.
d) Of course, when going to schul or a simcha the necktie makes a convenient napkin or handkerchief for when Jewish mucus runs out from your considerably large Jewish proboscis. Since no goiyim are around at these events (you aren’t one of those apikorsim who invites non-Jews to your simchas, are you?) you won’t have to worry about them thinking that you worship their devil-deities.
e) A black hat should be placed on your head on the day of your bar mitzvah, and you should not be seen in public without it until the day you die unless the wind knocks it off your head (running down the street after a wind-blown black hat, with one hand holding your tephilin and another one securing your velvet yarmulke to your head is an age old Jewish tradition, and the epitome of Jewish masculinity. Shadchans and mothers of unmarried frummah-maidelehs witnessing this tradition is no doubt responsible for getting many a young buchor married. When they see you running down the street, they know they must have you for their young girls).
f) Showering and the brushing of teeth are modern innovations that have been selfishly heaped upon the world by so called “enlightened” people. In fact, it is just a ploy to get us to stop learning Torah again. If Moishe Rabeinu didn’t need to rub Irish Spring on his body, then you don’t either. If people complain about your smell, it is simply because they mistake the aroma of Torah and yichus for poor hygiene. True good hygiene is derived from proper Torah study. If you are someone who just naturally appears to have what the goiyim consider “good hygiene” you may want to consider rubbing some chulent on yourself before the leaving the house. Be sure to lodge lima beans in your beard and between your teeth.
g) If you need to carry something somewhere, be sure to put it in a bright orange Glatt Mart bag. This is the Jewish equivalent of a Saks Fifth Avenue bag.
h) Facial hair should be allowed to sprout as the Eibeshte sees fit.
i) Shoes should be black, big, hard, and bulky. The opposite of a Jewish shventzel. The shoes will also get far more use.
j) A Jew wears glasses whether he needs them or not. This demonstrates proper humility and allows Jews the opportunity to perform a Kiddush hashem by not fighting back when some goiyishe hooligans assault you and break your glasses.
k) You should always carry your tephelin with you, even at midnight. A sefer should also be carried, preferably something really obscure that nobody else has ever heard of. This, of course, will lead others to the assumption that you have mastered the 80,000 other “routine” seforim that it is the duty of all Jewish men to know by heart by the age of 16. I would suggest something by Rav Shmuly-Yitzy-Avrumy-Shraggy-Farfel Karp, also known as the Gefilte Fish. His little known treatise on the hallochos Korban-Olah V’Yored is a very appropriate and practical area of study these days.
l) Jewish men have an incredible ability to blend into their environments. If for some reason, you should want to hide your Jewishness, all you need to do is cover your head with a baseball cap, and nobody will be the wiser. If you don’t believe me, just go see it done for yourself. You will be amazed how a Jewish man roller blading around Marine Park in Brooklyn wearing black dress slacks, a white-button down dress shirt, and glasses can literally seem to *POOF!* morph into a goy when he simply puts on an North Carolina University Tarheels baseball cap over his velvet yarmulke. No one will ever realize that he is Jewish. Use this power wisely.
2) When walking down a street, a Jewish man must always remember that the yetzer harah may be around the next corner just looking to pray upon any weakness in the Jewish character. Therefore, several precautions must be taken:
a) Always look at the ground, and away from other people. This will prevent you from accidentally seeing a woman dressed like Dinah when she was picked up by Schem ben Chamor. It will also give you a head start over the goiyim in searching for pennies that people have dropped.
b) Always walk quickly and methodically. The Yetzer Harah will have a hard time catching up with you. If you bump into people, don’t apologize – just keep moving. Much like the Agents in the movie The Matrix, the yetzer harah can be anyone you bump into. To be safe, assume everyone is the yetzer harah and treat everyone rudely.
c) When boarding a bus or train, be sure to push your way in before anyone else to put as much room between yourself and the Yetzer Harah, who is no doubt behind you. On the bus or train, sit ONLY in an end seat, and place your bright orange Glatt-Mart bag on the seat next to you. This has the dual purpose of preventing the yetzer harah from sitting next to you or, worse yet, a woman. Feh.
d) It is advisable to mutter to yourself. This way, women who see you will simply think you’re crazy and won’t offer to sleep with you. Other men, meanwhile, will not offer you to sleep with their sisters. You cannot discount this possibility given that all of the goiyim are in perpetual awe of Jewish yichus and are naturally inclined to have frummah-yidden descend from their impure families.
e) Be sure to always have your sefer marked off somewhere in the middle, even if you haven’t read a word yet. This way, people will think you have. When in public, use every possible opportunity to open the sefer and pretend to read. Be sure to look around to make sure people are watching you study (you holy man, you!). If nobody is looking, just give a cough or hock up some phlegm to garner attention. Good opportunities to resume pretending to study include: on crowded buses and trains, on line at the grocery store, and while at red lights while driving.
B) Jewish Women: The Champions of Chastity
1) Always remember your duty, as Bahs Yisroel, to safeguard the tznius’nis of the world. Therefore, dress as follows:
a) Every morning we say in the Tephilat Ha’Yom “Today is the ____ day of the Shabbat when the Levi’im would come and say as follows. . . “Therefore, every day of the week is an extension of Shabbos. Therefore, we must dress as though it were Shabbos every day. That means that you must wear fancy-shmancy clothes, everyday, everywhere, regardless of where you are headed. How fancy? Fancy enough that you should not have to ask the question “Am I dressed fancy enough?” Fancy enough that you could entertain the Queen of England (or some other important goy) at a state dinner. Fancy enough that the other women will be tempted to speak loshon harah about how your husband is such a crook in business and doesn’t pay his taxes so you can afford such fancy clothes. That’s how fancy. Note: Location does NOT come into play when getting dressed, either. Whether you are headed to a wedding, schul, the store, or just to clean out the gutters there is no reason that a Jewish woman should not look her best.
b) There is simply nothing to discuss. A skirt, regardless of how short, how see-through, and no matter how high up your thigh and into your ass-crack the slit goes, is always more tsznius’dick than a pair of the most frumpy, baggy, stained, overstuffed, and smelly pants. Skirts should also be worn while roller skating, bicycle riding, or at the beach.
c) Make-up is not an option. It is a requirement, even if you are simply going to pick up a tattalleh from chaider. You never know when you will bump into your future chusan, shadchan, machatainim, or those of your children. You should always be ready to make quite an impression.
d) Shoes should be very shiny, and have high heels. Even when mountain climbing.
e) A handbag should be by a famous designer, or at least a really good knock-off.
f) Stockings are to be worn even on the hottest day of the year.
g) Do I even have to mention the covering of your hair? It has been proven that a woman’s hair is the most attractive part of her body, and therefore must be kept out of sight of filthy men who have absolutely no ability to control their disgusting urges. If, chas v’shalom, you realize that you are a) outside and b) have uncovered hair, you must immediately stop what you are doing and cover your hair with the first thing you can find. This includes plastic bags lying in the sewers, wet newspapers, old broken umbrellas, used styrafoam packaging from a fast-food restaurant, potting soil, or even the vomit of homeless man. Clearly, the Eibeshte had him vomit expressly for this purpose.
h) Clothes should cover as much skin as possible. Not relevant, however, is how tight around said skin said clothes can be.
i) A small book of tehilim should be glued to a frummah-maideleh’s hand at all times. It should be the leather-bound copy that the Rabbi of your seminary in Israel gave you when you finally “saw the beauty of Hakadosh Baruch Hoo” after your final night of drinking, dropping ecstasy, and getting plowed by seven chayalim at one time.
2) When walking down the street you must move very quickly since men are attracted to you. This rule, however, is cancelled if more than two Jewish women are walking together. In that case, they must move slower than everyone else and be sure to get in everyone’s way. This is to remember Yit’tziat Mitzrayim.
3) On Shabbos, be sure to arrive in schul late so everyone can see your fancy, new $5000 hat. You may also want to parade yourself around a few other schuls in the neighborhood, even if your family doesn’t daven there.
C) For All Jews In General
1) Cars
a) Ahl pee hallachah, you may only own one of two types of cars:
(i) An overpriced, options-loaded Lexus, Cadillac, Acura, or Infiniti. Be sure that the car’s logo is always on display somewhere on your person (on your keys, your wallet, or just remove the logo medallion and carry it around with you) so that people will know how the Eibeshte has blessed your obviously pious family. Also, remind everyone how the lease on your Lexus LS 400 is almost up and you not sure what to get next.
(ii) A run-down, ten-year-old, American made station wagon. EACH STATION WAGON MUST HAVE AT LEAST TWO OF THE FOLLOWING OPTIONS: a coat hanger antenna, a dent on the rear passenger side, masking tape over a smashed brake light, a corroded and rusted rear bumper, a bumper-sticker warning about loshon harah, or an expired inspection sticker.
b) It is also important, at this point, to stress that women should not drive as it is very un-tzni’us’dick.
2) Shopping:
a) As a general rule, you should try to patronize only stores that are owned by frummah-yidden, though the shulchan aruch allows you to go to the non-Jewish owned stores if they have the same item for 10% less. The Rama’h says it must be at least 15%.
b) When shopping in stores, be sure to get right on line, even if you need to get 20 more items. This way, you will be ready to check out when you are done regardless of how crowded the store is. This saves time for more limud Torah. Just leave one of your little tattallehs to watch over the triple-stroller in the check-out lane. You will marvel over how tolerant the goiyim are over being held up by you. And if you forgot an item, wait until the total has been added up before you decide whether to go back and retrieve it. Be sure you are getting the least expensive item of its kind even if it takes a few minutes of comparison.
c) If you accidentally knock a bottle off a shelf and it shatters making a mess, be considerate and alert the store manager to call the mop-goy to clean it up. Don’t offer to pay for it unless they’ll give it to you for half price (the bottle is broken, after all).
d) The Gemmorah in masechet Chillul Hashem tells us that check-out lines that are posted “10 items or less” are meant only for the goiyim. Go ahead and get on with you three wagon-fulls of items.
e) There is no amount of money too trivial to ask for a price check (way to shatter those stereotypes, yidden). Saving three cents off a $255.29 total may one day make the difference between having an extra side dish at the smorges-board at your son’s future chassunah.
f) Do not feel ashamed to pay for your items with your Food Stamp or WIC cards even if you are wearing a $10,000 streimel or fur coat. If the goiyishe government wants to give you money, who are you to refuse?
3) If you should find yourself at a public event, such as a sporting contest, a show, or a movie (though why you are there rather than learning Torah, I just don’t know), be sure to comport yourself properly. It is not widely known that the social grace of turning off a cell-phone ringer is suspended for Jews since we all must keep in contact with each other in case the Moshiach comes, or in case Surah-Leiye-Shprintze’s daughter Faigy-Gittel finds herself a chusan. While the goiyim are not aware of this rule, simply explain it to them and even their heathen souls will understand.
4) There is no such thing as a bad time to say a k’pitel of tehilim. This includes while riding the subway, on line at Shop-Rite, while talking to a policeman, during job interviews, while giving testimony at a trial, or during a moment of silence at a public event. Say it loud enough so that others can hear you and say amen.
5) Interaction With Goiyim (or Jews not as Frum as you) If you are ever asked a question or spoken to by a goy on the streets, please abide by the following procedures:
a) Your smartest bet is to turn around and run, even if they just wanted to know which way Fourth Street is. You never know what these mischievous goiyim have up their sleeves. While running you should also scream on the top of your lungs: “OY! MEN SHLOGT YIDDEN!” (Help! Jews are being beaten!)
b) If you are considering responding, do consider who asked the question. If it is someone of the opposite sex, they may be trying to seduce you into bed. If they are of the same sex, they may be trying to seduce you into bed. Once again, I must suggest turning around and running.
c) If you decide to respond, you should keep your eyes looking towards the ground. This has the dual purpose of avoiding looking at some of them, lest some of their unmentionables be hanging out of their clothing (which, given the morals of the goiyim, is never out of the question), while at the same time demonstrates to them how humble and weak you are. Maybe they’ll take rachmunus on you and let you keep your wallet once they kick your ass.
d) If the goy speaking to you is an elderly person, give yourself at least five feet of space between you in case he or she decides to thrash you. If they are not an old person, give yourself ten feet before you start to answer. Just slowly and cautiously back away, and then begin your response.
e) If you are confronted by any ethnic minority, just give them your wallet, break your own tephilin and glasses, punch yourself in the mouth, and knock out a few of your own teeth. You’ll save time this way, and have more time later for learning Torah.
6) Always be sure to guard against ma’arat eiyin. Even when doing something innocent, if it can be seen by others as a chait, you are prohibited from doing it since the others will no doubt be tempted to spread loshon harah about you. If, for example, your child is on fire and the nearest source of water or telephone is in a McDonald’s, you should search for a kosher restaurant. Otherwise, people may say that you eat at non-kosher restaurants and as a result your child was burned to death. Even if your child survives, he’ll have a hell of a time finding a kallah, what with a parent that goes into a McDonald’s.
7) You should also do your best to prevent causing a chilul hashem. So, for heaven’s sake, take off your yarmulke and tuck in your tzittzis before you go pick up that transvestite prostitute.
8) At Work
a) It is the curse of Adam HaRishon that we must work for our bread. This is due, of course, to Chava, the first woman, who whorishly tempted man into sinning the first chance she got, setting a precedent for all women for all eternity, but I’m getting off topic here. Anyway, many a man is forced to earn parnasa to support his learning and to feed his tattallehs if he cannot find a girl with a rich father to marry.
b) If you are fortunate, you may find a job within the Jewish community, so there should be no problems unless you get into an argument with your boss over the interpretation of piece of Gemmorah.
c) If you are forced to work outside the community, remember that you are a liaison between the Jewish world and the Goiyim. You must demonstrate to them the proper way to live and be an Ohr LaGoiyim. Therefore:
(i) Always ask everyone else you work with to daven with you. They will see what a joy it is to mutter words in a foreign language three times a day.
(ii) If any man in your place of employment hasn’t had a bris, give him one.
(iii) Be sure to show everyone the joys of Shabbos when leaving early on Fridays. They won’t resent you one iota.
(iv) Cover your locker with pictures of great Rabbis. This will contrast nicely with the pictures of porno stars that other guys have.
(v) Always remind anyone you speak with to say Krias Shma.
(vi) Show how pious you are by not participating in any office or workplace function. Be sure to explain to them that your religion prohibits you from socializing with non-Jews lest they cause you to sin.
(vii) If anyone offers to share their food with you, explain the laws of kashrus to them.
(viii) Be considerate! Don’t say Shmonah Esrei in a high-traffic walk area. Instead, use the employee lounge and ask for silence.
(ix) During the Omer, be sure all of your employer’s clients understand why it is you are growing a shaggy beard.
(x) Ask your workmates to participate in the seasonal rituals, such as the burning of chammetz and waving a chicken over their head for kaparos.
(xi) Be sure to point out how immodest your female coworkers are dressed. They’ll really appreciate it.
(xii) Don’t feel ashamed to take off for days such as La’g Ba’Omer, Yom Yerushalayim, Tu B’Shvat, or any day where we say Hallel, such as Rosh Chodesh. If the goiyim can take off for Christmas, Good Friday, Memorial Day, or other days that don’t even have the rules of muktza, you can take off on your silly holidays as well.
(xiii) If there are any members of Amalek in your office, be sure to smite them. Also, remember what they did to you on Shabbos Zachor. Bastards.
(xiv) Tuck your peiyus behind your ears when going to speak with your boss. Use some hair gel to have it stick to your ear lobes.
(xv) When selecting a shirt to wear to work in the morning, try to find one with the fewest possible chrain and chulent-grease stains on it.
CHAPTER 12: MISCALANEOUS MITZVAHS AND AVEIRAHS
A) Mezzuzah: All Jews must affix to their door posts a small box containing parchment on which is inscribed verses from the Torah. This is a mezzuzah and it works a lot like a lucky rabbit’s foot. Kiss it as you enter and exit a room and nothing bad will ever happen to you. Unless you are a traifa yid.
B) Shatnez: A Jew’s clothes must not be made of a combination of fabrics from an animal (wool) and that of a tree (linen). Why you ask? After 40 plus pages you’re just now going to question some stupidity that we do?
C) Tzittzit: The Torah commands all Jewish men to wear fringes on the corners of a garment that they wear. These are tzittzit and the purpose they serve is to make us look silly. It also helps anti-Semites pick us out for beatings.
D) Chilul Hashem: It is imperative that a Jew guard himself against behaving poorly while out in public when non-Jews could see him or her bringing a bad reputation to Jews. If you are a rabbi and insist on molesting children at least have the decency to not get caught. When in private, gezzunta hait, sin all you want.
E) Lushon Hurrah: One of the most common sins that everyone transgresses is that of Lushon Hurah: Evil Speech. This is most commonly known as gossip and the sad thing is that not many people would ever go to schul were it not to hear the latest on how Malkie is divorcing Shloimy because he is still having an affair with a shiksa. Just be sure to pray extra hard in between the rumors, chit-chat, and tittle-tattle. Saying a few extra passages will surely make up for the lifetime of humiliation you are bringing to other people who obviously have enough problems.
F) Ma’arat Ayin: Try your best to avoid doing anything that could be interpreted as sinful by anyone who may have been watching. For teenage girls, this means never going into public until they are wed lest everyone who sees you have sick fantasies about who you are about to go sleep with. You girls are such evil, foul temptresses always leading good, pure Jewish men to sin.
G) Peiyis: Jewish men are required to not shave their sideburn area. The reason is because, in ancient times, the priests of Ba’al would shave their entire heads (especially their sideburns. Ba’al hated sideburns). So, to show the world that we don’t worship Ba’al we don’t shave our sideburns. Otherwise, everyone would just assume we do worship Ba’al and we can’t have that. The proper way to observe the mitzva is to never even trim the sideburns. Instead, grow them from infancy and then twirl it around the back of your ear like a greasy piece of string. Nothing defines masculinity like a Jewish teenager with curly locks dripping down the side of his head and around his ear.
H) Shaving: A Jewish man must not shave off his facial hair with the edge of a knife, blade, or razor. This is because many priests of ancient religions would – as part of their sacrilegious rituals – shave off all of the hair on their heads. The religions included worshiping Ba’al, Ashtoret, Kojak, and Mr. Clean. Therefore, to prevent anyone from thinking that Jews worship Ba’al or Telly Savalis, we only use electric shavers, or pull the hair out with out fingertips. You can also wax your face.
CHAPTER13: DEATH AND BEREAVEMENT
A) Death
1) Jews look at death as G-d’s way of saying that you have gone over your allotted mileage on your car lease. In other words, it’s not the end, it’s just the end of the current model that you’re using right now. That model is your body, and it gets worn out after a while (or after being hit by a bus). Regardless of the philosophical views, there are many rules that must be followed when someone dies.
2) Immediately upon the death of a Yid, the chevra kaddisha must be summoned. They will remove the body, wash and prepare it for burial, and transport it to the funeral home. They will also keep the body company all night reading stories or tehilim to the body.
3) The Jewish funeral is the opposite of the way Jews lead their lives: downplayed, cheap, and quick. The coffin must only be made of wood, and no metal or artificial parts of any kind. The wood snaps together or is attached by pegs. The body is cleaned, and dressed in a kittel, the same garment that the individual wore during his wedding prompting many a comment from the peanut gallery on this coincidence.
4) The funeral is short and low on speeches. The body is not viewed. There is no singing. Kel Malei Rachamim is said where we wish the departed goodbye and kaddish is read by the mourners. And there is nothing funny about it.
5) After the funeral, the body is taken to the cemetery where it is buried as soon as possible. Jewish gravestones are modestly marked and must contain no pictures. It is polite, however, to have a Jewish star on the stone to make it easier for neo-Nazis to identify and tip over or desecrate.
B) Bereavement and Mourning
1) As soon as someone in a Jewish family dies, the surviving immediate family go into A’vel and known as A’veilim. Initially, before the body is buried, these family members are exempt from all positive mitzvot. Therefore, the rabbis insist that body be buried ASAP so that we can get back to praying to a G-d that we are furious at for just having taken a loved one from us.
2) After the burial, the family members sit Shiva, meaning “seven” until the seventh day after burial. During the Shiva, the family mourners must not leave the place where they are sitting, nor are they supposed to care for themselves. The mirrors are covered, they do not shave, and they do not groom themselves. In sum, the individual should show no concern for his or her hygiene or physical condition. In certain frum communities, therefore, it is not much different from the rest of the year.
3) During Shiva, the mourners sit on chairs low to the ground or on boxes. They do not wear shoes and must wear a garment that his been torn signifying grief. They should also refrain from doing common recreational activities such as watching television or listening to the radio for entertainment purposes though, in truth, given what’s on nowadays, watching television would only increase their anguish and pain.
4) Since the mourners are limited to the home, the community must come to them. A temporary schul is set up in the place where the sitting takes place, and friends and family come to comfort and pray with the bereaved. It is also absolutely necessary to set up tin pans with notes in them that read “Yeshiva HaGeddolah D’Boro Park” or “Rabbi Blumenfield’s Embezzlement Case Appellate Fund.”
5) On the morning of the seventh day of Shiva, the mourners leave the home and walk around the neighborhood to show the world that they are no longer sitting Shiva. While they are out have them pick up a pizza and a six pack.
6) The mourners now enter a new period called “Shloshim” meaning thirty. It lasts for thirty days (duh) and while it is not as strict as Shiva, there are still certain things that are prohibited. After the thirty days children of the deceased remain in Aveil for the rest of the year. The men must also say Kaddish, the prayer for the dead, every chance they get since as we all know, the soul of the deceased rises one level in heaven every time a child says Kaddish. I guess people who die with no children are screwed to rot in hell.
C) Shiva Calls
1) When someone you knew dies or is sitting Shiva, it is proper to make a Shiva call. I recommend doing it the first day or two before it gets really crowded.
2) It can be difficult to know how to behave when making a Shiva call. Don’t say hello or goodbye. A simple nod is enough to acknowledge arrival and departure. It’s also better not to make jokes such as “Hey why the sad faces? Somebody die around here?” upon your entry.
3) You may find that groups of people congregate at certain areas of the home where the Shiva is being held for various reasons, to the exclusion of those sitting Shiva. Even if the purpose is to study Talmud, or discuss various hallachic issues, one should remember that comforting the bereaved takes supremacy in this type of a situation. The only exception that is universally accepted is if a child in the home has a new Playstation II.
4) When preparing to leave the home, one should simply rise and say the following “Hama’kom yi’nachem et’chem b’toch sha’ar avlei tzion v’yerushalayim.” If you’re one of the multitudes of people who cannot memorize this eight word phrase, just mumble and everyone will assume you said the passage.
5) The mourners can, and are encouraged, to go to the synagogue on Sabbos even while they sit Shiva. While the will pray mincha with everyone else, they must leave the room for most of Kabbalat Shabbat due to its happy overtones. As soon as L’cha Doe-Dee is said, the person may return to the room. The congregation recites the above “Ha’makom” passage, or may instead choose instead to say the Yul Brenner line from The Ten Commandments: “Bring the Hebrew in.”
6) After Shabbos, Shiva commences. Avoid visits on Saturday night because it’s usually a madhouse.
A FINAL THOUGHT
Always remember that being Jewish has little, if anything, to do with God and spirituality. What it has to do with is appearance. I would like to thank all of the countless hypocrites I have encountered my life who have inspired me to write this work, especially the rabbis who look the other way while men refuse to give Gets to women they have abandoned with children, and while children are being molested. You men are fuckheads.
By HaRav A. P. Kores
Morah D’Asra of Keheilat Bnei Amaleik
CHAPTER Page
1. Prayers and Shul Conduct . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 2
2. Kosher Food and Eating . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 9
3. Holidays . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 12
4. Marriage and Divorce . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 26
5. Family Purity . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 31
6. Sexual Intimacy . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 32
7. Children . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 34
8. Business Relations . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 36
9. Charity and Chessed . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 37
10. Learning Torah . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 38
11. The Jew in Public . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 39
12. Miscellaneous Mitzvahs and Aveirahs . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 46
13. Death and Bereavement . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 47
14. A Final Thought . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 49
INTRODUCTION
Jews come in all shapes and sizes. Not all Jews could be covered here, not even all varieties of Orthodox Jews. So, if you were excluded, I hope you will not be insulted. And if you were included I hope you will be insulted.
CHAPTER 1: PRAYERS AND SHUL CONDUCT
A) History
1) Communication with G-d has always been a hallmark of religious tradition. In ancient times, people would sacrifice such things as cattle, incense, and virgins. Some would also sacrifice their virginity. This behavior pleased the Lord, who would respond by providing the ancient people with all the pestilence, famine, droughts, and invading barbarians their heart’s desired.
2) After the destruction of the Holy Temple in Jerusalem, the rabbis decided that the Almighty wasn’t too thrilled with the Jewish method of worship, which amounted to little more than a barbecue while tailgating outside of the Holy Temple. Rashi says that it was because they did not use a marinade such as Lea and Pearens Worcestershire © or A-1 Steak Sauce ©. Ramban says it’s because the ancient-Israelite chapter of PETA had convinced the Kohen’s to use soy-meat instead of cows and sheep for their offerings, arguing that it was a healthier alternative for the Almighty anyway. Regardless of the reasons, the rabbinate ordered that prayers replace the ancient barbaric custom of sacrifices. That way, they reasoned, everyone could suffer rather than just the Kohens and Lei'vis (and the animals, of course).
3) Prayers began with a recitation of the Sh'ma, the Shmoneh Esrei, and readings from the Torah of the portions that applied to the sacrifices that would have been offered on that day. Soon, a rabbi decided that this doesn’t take nearly long enough, and composed a poem for everyone to sing. Not to be outdone, another rabbi decided that it was also necessary to read Tehilim. And a third began to write his own poems, and so on and so on until there were scarcely five minutes left in a 24-hour day that did not have some prayer to say.
4) Today, prayers continue to grow with every generation and each congregation tries to outdo the others in terms of time spent praying and total prayers said. Pretty soon, we will all just have to move into Schul since there will be no point of ever going home since, by the time we got there, we’d just to turn around again.
B) The Laws of Prayer
1) Prayer is a sacred, personal undertaking that should be carried out with the utmost sincerity, respect, unless your favorite team is in the middle of the playoffs. One must always remember that during prayer you are conversing with the Almighty Eibeshte, and that all thoughts and concerns should be focused purely on the task at hand. Some rabbis, however, will make an exception for thinking of an impending stock transaction. One should refrain from extraneous speech with others during prayer, making services a prime refuge for people defaulting on loans and trying to get out of testifying in court.
2) Always be sure to pronounce each word properly, lest an inappropriate word escape your lips. After all, if you mispronounce a single word, the content of your prayers may not be what you intended, and G-d may bring about what you did not intend. Prayers are powerful stuff, so be careful that you ask G-d to punish the wicked, and not the good. Most bad things happen to good people when prayers are said incorrectly.
3) When praying alone, one can simply read the words in one’s mind, and concentrate on the meaning. But when in the company of others, be sure to mumble each word to let everyone else around you know just how holy a person you are. This is particularly true on crowded subways and buses. The hell with them if they think you’re a lunatic for talking to yourself. Also, close your eyes and move your lips rapidly when you finish eating in a restaurant. Your small tip will be mitigated by the obvious godliness of your character.
4) Never, under any circumstances, allow yourself to be interrupted by someone else while you are in the middle of prayer, lest they think that your concentration on the Almighty Eibeshte is anything but perfect. This rule holds true even if someone comes over to tell you that your dog is biting a local politician or even if you had spent the last fifteen minutes moving your lips but thinking about how hot Carmen Electra looked on TV last night.
5) There is a prayer for every action and circumstance that can exist in the world and even some that cannot exist. If you are unsure what prayer should be said in a particular situation, go and ask a rabbi. That way he’ll know just how righteous you are.
6) When praying shacharit on any day but Shabbos, men over thirteen adorn tephilin (phylacteries), little leather boxes containing parchment with saying from the Torah on them. When purchasing your tephilin remember that the size of what a man carries around on his arm and head is directly proportional to what he’s carrying in his pants. Nuff said.
C) Schul Behavior and Etiquette
The general rules of prayer still apply when praying with a congregation in schul, but with a few added modifications, mostly for show.
1) Arrival: There are only two acceptable times to arrive in schul:
a) Immediately before prayers have begun, to demonstrate to all your devotion to the Eibeshte and show everyone how saintly you are.
b) When 2/3 of the prayers have been said. to demonstrate your nonchalant attitude toward organized religion which will have the effect of everyone seeing how cool and dangerously you live your life. If you arrive too late for the former, loiter around for a while until it looks like they are going to put the Torah away.
2) Volume of Prayer and Prayer Behavior
a) When davening, read the first sentence aloud, pause for a few seconds, and then the last sentence out loud so that everyone will just assume that you have read everything in between. Be sure to never read the middle of the paragraphs out loud since someone will notice that you are mispronouncing the words due to the fact that you never daven when you are alone, and have had no practice saying those hard, Aramaic words. This way everyone will think you do.
b) If you are a pasty-white young yeshiva-buchur who does not plan to work a day in his life, but just spend every waking second in the Beis Midrash, clutch yourself as you daven, close your eyes, shake back and forth like you have Parkinson’s, and scream out every word you say on the top of your lungs. The Lord is a far way off in heaven, after all. He might not hear you. Also swing your arms back and forth like you’re doing violent aerobics. If someone gets hit it’s because they are a traifa yid and the Almighty Eibeshte has sent your frum ass to punish them.
c) There is no reason you should not be able to take your tallis and tephilin off before Aleinu, Kaddish, and Perek HaYom. Those are not real prayers, anyway.
d) One should never fight in Schul unless there is a furious debate over which meat mashgi'ach one uses. That is always grounds for fisticuffs.
3) Talking
a) Talking is absolutely frowned upon during davening, or at least the rabbi will say it is. But don’t pay any attention to that rule, particularly if a good episode of Seinfeld was on last night. The fact that there is an embroidered “Da Lifnei Me Atah Oh'meid” sign on the Aron Kodesh covers everyone for talking. Also, talk all you want during the chazzan’s repetition of Shmoneh Esrei, the Torah Reading, Aleinu, and anything that is sung in unison.
b) Despite how much talking you have been doing all along, be sure to put your hand up like a policeman to halt the conversation you are in the middle of when it comes time to say “Ye'hey Shmey Rabba . . .” during Kaddish. For some reason, everyone seems to think that this is essential.
4) The Chazzan
a) If you are chosen to be chazzan, be sure to apply the three rules of singing: long, loud, and frequent. Everyone must know what a tzaddik you are, so sing everything you can think of and repeat as many words as you can despite the fact that it changes the meaning of the prayers. The Eibeshte knows what you mean. And always remember that just because Yom Kippur is only one day a year, you can commemorate it every day by dragging out every common prayer.
b) A chazzan must be given a “shkoi'ach” after he leads, regardless of how bad a voice he has or the fact that it took him 35 minutes to say Kedusha on a normal Shabbos.
5) Torah Reading
a) The Torah must be kissed when it is taken out of the Aron Kodesh to demonstrate one’s love, affection for, and even physical attraction to the words of G-d. While grasping the velvet covering and placing a smacker right down on the sewn-on Ten Commandments is okay, it is considered rude to actually use your tongue. Also, you may want to avoid contact with the Torah when you have hepatitis, something that more devout people seem to miss.
b) If you are given an aliyah to bless the Torah, be sure to make a Me Sh'beirach for every human being you have ever come into contact with. After all, it’s not like the Oscar’s: they can’t just go to commercial. When making the blessing, pull your tallis up over your head to let everyone know that are so holy you must not come within eyeshot of anyone else.
c) Talking should be kept to a minimum during Torah reading, so restrict your conversation only to emergencies, children, and which free-agents your team will pursue during the off-season.
d) When the Torah is being read, try to look surprised, as if you never heard the stories before, when turning points are reached. Make like you didn’t realize it was Joseph in the Pharaoh’s court dressed up as the Vice-Roy. The rabbis believe that G-d likes to think we are still amazed by the outcomes of the tales.
6) The Tzeddukah Box and Charity
a) Only feel obligated to put something into the tzeddukah box if someone else near you does it first. In that case, obviously, you must give more than they did.
b) There is a hierarchy of causes to give to. They are as follows, with (i) being the least worthy cause, and (vii) being the most worthy:
(i) Causes that provide assistance to starving children, orphans, and widows, and organizations that help women get divorces from men who refuse to give them a Get.
(ii) Organizations that send money to Israel.
(iii) The Schul building fund, appeals for sefforim, and Torah funds.
(iv) Appeals for money to help the buchurim learn Mishnaiyos.
(v) Donations to Kollels to help keep our fine boys away from the evil influence of secular college.
(vi) Funds to help get rabbi’s who are accused of embezzlement and child molestation out of jail.
(vii) And most important of all are the funds to put in the new air-conditioning systems and to buy the schnapps and herring for next week’s kiddush.
Give appropriately.
7) Specific Prayers
a) When saying Shmoneh Esrei, be sure to bend your knees properly and then jerk your body forward in your best “wow-that-kidney-stone-really-hurts” motion when the time comes to prostrate yourself. Also, much like an old person backing out of their driveway, have no disregard for whoever is behind you when you finish and take your three steps back. You are holy, and they must get out of your way. Sneer at them if they do not. They will be going straight to hell.
b) Even if you typically say your Shmoneh Esrei very quickly during the year, be sure to outlast everyone else on Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur. Forty-five minutes is the bare-minimum amount of time you should spend. Also, shake as though you have to go to the bathroom.
c) During Birkat Kohanim, cover and suffocate yourself and your young children under your tallis. Women who do not have tallaisim should just choke themselves. It really has never been explained why men must cover themselves while women can simply just not look at the Kohen’s hands. Apparently, the urge to see G-d himself is simply too much for most men, and we don’t want to take any chances. The women, of course, couldn’t care less about such holy things since they are more concerned with arousing the otherwise devout men. Whores.
d) There is absolutely no reason you should not scream like you are on fire when reading the Sh'ma. Be sure that your voice is louder, and held longer than everyone else’s in the room. You should also push your hand into your eyes so hard that blood starts to come out. Zus is a fruma yid!
e) Feel no obligation to say Ye'did Nefesh before Kabbalat Shabbat, or Adone Ohlam or Yigdal after services. Those are things said only by those heretical Modern-Orthodox temples, yimach sh’mam.
8) Kiddushes
a) Despite what is happening in your life, the world, or during the day, there is no tephilah that is more important than a Kiddush Club. This rule must be strictly enforced.
b) If someone does throw a Kiddush, especially on Shabbos, the last few prayers after Mussaf are to be ignored. Eating must commence before Aleinu is said, or else you might not get a piece of kishka.
c) When one approaches the Kiddush table, be sure to start eating immediately as if you have never seen food before and will never see it again. Be sure to swallow your herring and onions before you yell at the non-Jewish waiters to bring over more potato kugel.
d) Vegetables and dip are there purely for show, or for the women.
e) Despite the fact that most Orthodox Jews hold that you should not eat fish after meat (despite no hallachic support for this whatsoever) and the fact that they would hurdle their own dining room table to prevent a fish fork from being placed onto a piece of chicken, an exception exists at kiddushes. One IS permitted to have their gefilte fish AFTER the chullent if they didn’t notice the fish plate, or of they had to rush to eat the chulent before someone ate it right off their own plate. Our Lord is an understanding Lord.
9) Women Note: If you are a woman, you may want to skip this section.
a) Women MUST be segregated into a separate section in the Schul. The further toward the back, or upstairs, or down the hall, the better. It has been scientifically proven that all of the ills in the world can be directly traced to filthy, slutty, tempting women. Women by their very nature, desire nothing but to cause good men to sin and sin often. Therefore, women must be shunned aside and ignored during prayer. Some would even eliminate any reference of women in the Torah and prayers. I would suggest not even using the feminine tense of Hebrew grammar when conjugating your verbs. It may cause arousal.
b) If, by some horrific chance, you do come into sight of those women, look away lest you be corrupted and brought to sin right there in the middle of N’eelah. If you do sin, don’t worry. You’ll just throw the sin away when you toss your bread into the water next Rosh Hashana and condemn your chicken to death on Erev Yom Kippur.
10) The Rabbi’s Speech
a) The Rabbi’s speech is an important part of any service. If you are going to walk out, be sure to do it AFTER he has started to let him know just how bored you are. If you chose to stay inside, you should assume the speech is a personal conversation with you and feel free to bombard the Rav with shai’los.
b) If the rabbi brings up a secular topic, such as an impending nuclear war, the speech must include allusions to where in the Torah, via Gimatria, the Eibeshte predicted that it would happen. If, by some horrible chance, the rabbi does not add musar to any topic he discusses the kehillah is permitted – neigh, encouraged – to stone the rabbi.
11) Pronunciation
a) Even though we don’t live in an old European shtettle, be sure to pronounce every “oo” sound like an “ee” sound to seem more pious. Only those traifah yids who send their children to “public school” Yeshivas like Flatbush, HAFTR, and Ramaz actually pronounce the words the way they are supposed to be said. But we know better.
b) Be choosy as to when to switch the pronunciation. Not every “oo” sound becomes “ee” lest this tradition be co-opted by the less faithful. Only do it at specific times, to further demonstrate that we don’t believe that this is the actual way to pronounce the word, but rather that we just want to be different. After all, we never say “Nee York City.”
c) These rules only apply when others can hear you. When praying alone, by all means, say the words as they should.
12) Attire
a) What one wears in Schul speaks volumes. In fact, it says more than all of the tephilos put together. Therefore, more attention should be paid to what you have on your back than what comes out of your mouth.
b) Heads must always be covered in Schul, and the more layers the better.
c) We dress according to day. Therefore, use this handy guide to help you:
(i) Sunday: Men should wear jeans, or khakis, since it is a day off. That way, we can all get the idea that our lives are not dominated by thoughts of the Almighty Eibeshte, even though it is. Women have no business being in Schul on Sundays and should be home cooking omelets.
(ii) Weekdays: Men should dress according to their job. Business men and professionals must wear their suits, but not – chas v’shalom – the ones they save for Shabbos. Blue-collar workers should have a tool belt on. Yeshiva buchurs, as always, should be in the same wrinkled black suit with the same chullent-stained shirt as always. Be sure to have your cell phone handy and to have the ringer on loud.
(iii) Shabbos and Yontif Shacharis: Suffice to say you MUST put the fashion runways in Paris and Milan to shame. Armani©, Hugo Boss©, and Barney’s New York© suits are appropriate for men, complete with Polo© Ralph Lauren shirts and Bruno Magli© shoes. If a woman has the nerve to appear in Schul in a dress costing less than $600.00 then she should be asked to leave by the other women before corrupting the young women of Ba’as Yisroel. Fine jewelry must also be worn. When wearing rings, be sure the hand with the rings is the one that turns the pages of the Siddur when you are pretending to pray. Otherwise, nobody will see the 45 carats. Nobody expects children to be wearing anything nearly that fancy, so get them a cheap $200.00 suit from Banana Republic©.
(iv) Shabbos and Yontif Mincha-Maariv: Wear the same thing you wore earlier, only don’t have your tie on. Do this despite the fact that you sneered the night before at the apikorsim who did not wear ties to Kaballat Shabbos.
(v) Rosh HaShana and Yom Kippur: We ensconce ourselves in white to try to fool the Lord into thinking that we have repented our sins. Also, don’t wear any gold jewelry since that reminds the Eibeshte of Cheit Ha’Eigel. We don’t think too much of the Lord’s memory.
(vi) Purim: Same rules as above, only men should abandon their black felt hats and adorn ten-gallon cowboy hats and Groucho Marx glasses. Jewish men are such a hoot.
d) Other Rules:
(i) Gartel: A gartel – a long, black, phallic looking cloth belt – should be worn around the waist in order to create a separation between the head & heart and the genitals. One should not think of sex when praying, and the gartel prevents this from happening. Also, be sure to tie the gartel around your penis itself and cut off its blood flow until it’s gangrenous. This also helps prevent you from thinking about sex.
(ii) Bekkeshe: A bekkeshe, a black robe, should be worn with white stockings to further emasculate yourself in front of the Lord. It also helps make you an irresistible target for the local Anti-Semites.
(iii) Streimel: A streimel is an old-fashioned round fur hat, worn mostly by chassicic Jews. It is considered a big mitzva to wear a streimel on Shabbos to allow a refuge for migratory birds.
(iv) Tallis: Men, during Shacharis, wear a tallis. The tallis must conform to everyone else’s in Schul: it should be plain white with black strips. If your tallis has blue or multicolored stripes, you will no doubt be asked to leave any G-d-fearing congregation. Sterling silver plates may be linked together to help make the tallis yet another overpriced item Jews spend money on.
(v) Tephilin: After their Bar-Mitzvah, Jewish men and boys wear tephilin, or phylacteries: small, black boxes of leather that contain parchment with Torah verses in them. The purpose is to create yet another level of economic disparity between those Jews who can afford high quality tephilin, and those who cannot. Tephilin is worn only during morning prayers, though not on Shabbos or Yontif. This is because we “rest” from this ridiculous and unnecessary tradition on those days.
(vi) Kittel: On Yom Kippur, all married men wear a white robe called a Kittel. This is to show how pure we all are, as well as clearly identify who is the biggest sinner of all by going to have a sip of schnapps and a keichel on the holiest fast day of the year. The kittel reveals all crumbs and stains.
CHAPTER 2: KOSHER FOOD AND EATING
A) Kosher
The laws of kosher are the Jewish dietary laws. They concern what may be consumed, how an animal must be slaughtered, how to prepare food, and what foods may be combined. As with all other Jewish laws, they have been taken to levels that even the Lord did not foresee.
1) KOSHER FOODS
a) All vegetation is kosher. Despite this fact, the rabbis felt that had to put their two cents in on vegetation and therefore decreed that anything with grape made by a non-Jew may not be consumed by a Jew so as to prevent Yidden from migling with non-Yidden wherein weak Jewish males might be tempted sexually (it always comes back to this) by filthy shiksas (who, it should be noted, are even more slutty than their Jewish counterparts). So, we cannot drink wine made by a non-Jewish person, or eat anything made with grapes, such as cakes, meats or fish cooked with non-Jew grapes, or even Skittles. I certainly agree that I would be tempted to sin were I to eat a grape Skittle or Nerds candy.
b) Only mammals that have split hooves and chew their cud are kosher. Why, you ask? Well, I’m not going to tell you.
c) We may only eat birds that are not birds of prey. This means that they may not eat other animals. Apparently, the rabbis don’t feel that worms and insects are animals, since all birds eat those, but this is really just a question of semantics I suppose.
d) Fish must have fins and scales to be kosher. It is not acceptable to scotch tape or staple the fins and scales later. The fish must be born with them.
e) We are absolutely forbidden to eat any reptile or amphibian. This is so in order to help prevent Jews from going to New Orleans, lest they participate in Mardi Gras or show their boobies for beads.
f) Almost all insects and invertebrates are not kosher, save for one species of locust. The rabbis conveniently forgot which one it is and don’t bother trying to remember because they are spending too much time trying to figure out if you have to give meiser from a grain of salt.
2) Slaughtering Animals
a) For animals to be kosher, they must be killed properly pursuant to the laws of Schita. The animals may only be killed by an expert slaughterer called a shochet. Shochets train for years, studying:
(i) how to humanely kill animals,
(ii) the laws of kosher, and
(iii) how to jack up the price of kosher meat to insane levels. It is this last part that truly separates the kosher from the non-kosher.
b) A shochet uses a knife that is perfectly smooth, with absolutely no nicks in it. If a Nick is found, then Nick is asked to leave. Ba-dump bump.
c) The shochet takes hold of the animal and then drives the knife right through its friggin’ throat. The cut must go a minimum of half-way through the neck of the animal and sever its windpipe and main artery for the animals to even possibly be kosher. If the shochet doesn’t do it, the animal is sewn up and the shochet tries again.
d) After the killing, the shochet removes the internal organs and sticks his hand into the animal’s lungs. If the shochet finds a moom, the animal is not kosher. Luckily, nobody really knows what a moom is, so most animals pass the test. The shochet will throw out an animal every so often just to make it look like he knows what he’s doing and thereby justify his crazy prices.
e) The Gid Hanash’e is removed due to the fight Jacob had with Eisav’s angel. This makes sense, though nobody knows how.
f) Jews may not consume blood, unless it is the blood of Christian children baked into their matzos. Therefore, meat is salted and soaked to remove the excess blood. The salt is then put into chicken soups sold at take-outs like Meal Mart.
g) The Talmud refers to two kinds of fat that animals have: cheilev and shuman. One may be eaten and one may not. However, nobody knows the difference, so we’re all just living in sin and denial.
h) Despite the Torah’s aim to have us kill an animal as humanely as possible, nobody seems to have a problem with just letting fish suffocate on the decks of ships.
3) Food Preparation
a) Even once food is deemed kosher, it can still be defiled by just coming into contact with non-kosher food, being prepared with the same utensils or implements as non-kosher food, or being served on plates that have been used for non-kosher food. Judaism has fostered in us an instinctive revulsion towards anything that may even remotely be non-kosher. Witness how good frum Yidden will react to non-kosher food as if they are being presented with strychnine.
b) As a result of these rules, a second set of dishes, a separate sink, and separate set of towels and sink rack, and even separate dish washers must be used. Just like the ancient Israelites always did.
c) The entire kosher kitchen must always be kept clean of non-kosher food like a bubble-boy being kept from germs. The type of material that a surface or utensil is made from may also determine what the item can be used for and what to do if we mess up. The general rule is this: if you accidentally use a utensil for a food product that it was not meant to be used for, and nobody saw you, just wash it off in the sink, put it back in the drawer, and walk away. If somebody did see you, shriek as though you have just released a demon from the underworld to stalk humanity.
d) Pottery, metal, and wood can be used for dairy, meat, or neutral. Once they are dairy or meat though, that’s it – they are stuck that way for good. If they are used for a food of the opposite sex (by sex, I mean dairy or meat of course) the food is deemed unfit for eating and must be destroyed. Or given to a non-Jew. They’re going to hell anyway.
e) Glass seems to have rules of its own. Discuss it with your rabbi. He’ll be impressed.
f) Remember: counter tops and table tops are the same as all other items for food preparation: if nobody saw you, it didn’t happen. It’ll just be between you and G-d.
4) Combining Foods
a) The Torah forbids us to boil a kid goat in it’s mother’s milk. So, naturally, we took this way overboard and decided that meat and milk can never be eaten together.
b) For some reason, we decided that poultry is the same as meat, and so we cannot combine poultry with milk either. But not fish. Fish can be eaten with milk. Am I the only one here that is getting the impression that this is all just being made up as we go along?
c) As discussed infra, for some reason fish cannot be consumed at the same time as meat. So be sure to have extra plates for fish and don’t you dare let a single piece of veal touch it.
d) Once meat is consumed, a Jew must wait a certain amount of time for the food to be digested before he or she can eat dairy again. How long you must wait depends on where you come from since, as everyone knows, people from Germany digest foods much faster than people from Poland, and therefore a German person need only wait three or so hours between meat and dairy while the Polish person must wait into the fifth hour at least. We are indeed insane. Far be it for us to just wait like five minutes between the two. No, we must wait hours. What this accomplishes, I have no idea. Of course, we don’t have to wait more than five minutes to eat meat after eating dairy. Is everybody getting this?
B) Eating: As anyone who has seen the gut of a typical Jew can testify, eating is an integral part of the Jewish life. And, as with all other aspects of Jewish life, there are plenty of rules and regulations concerning the consumption of food.
1) Prior to eating, one must make a blessing. Which blessing depends on the type of food. If one does not want to make a blessing, just eat food that isn’t kosher since there is no appropriate blessing for it anyway. And you wouldn’t want to eat without making the appropriate blessing, now would you?
2) A meal, according to Hallacha, is a serving of food where bread is eaten. Before eating the bread, one must wash his or her hands ceremoniously. Fill a cup with water and pour water on each hand three times. If the cup is made from plastic or is a regular drinking cup, then you are not a good Jew. The cup should be made from silver or pottery and serve no other function than for the ceremonial washing of the hands. If the cup is from Israel, then so much the better. After washing, make the blessing for washing the hands. Now you can’t talk until you bless the bread and eat it. The only word you can say is the word “New.” You can say this word as often as you like. This is particularly useful when you wash, have not eaten bread yet, and someone asks you if your new car is new or old. You can also grunt, wheeze, and otherwise communicate with anyone to get across whatever it is you want to say, such as “Get the salt”, “Pass the ice”, or “You’re a schmuck.” We must obey the letter of the law, not the spirit. If you do accidentally speak, throw up your arms and blame the person to whom you spoke, and go wash again. If you spoke to G-d, don’t blame him.
3) When eating is done, there are (SURPRISE!) more blessings. These also depend on what kind of food was eaten. If you are in a restaurant be sure to murmur your blessings with your lips moving so that everyone watching you thinks that you are absolutely insane.
4) If a meal was eaten, benching must be done. If there are three men or more, they must bench as a mezuman. Mezuman was a Jewish super hero who always reminded people to say grace after meals. We commemorate his efforts by saying a few extra words in his honor.
5) Sometimes, before benching, a mayim achroi'nim set will be passed around. There is no reason for this to be done, but most rabbis agree that the tradition traces back to ancient times when people ran out of gift ideas for newlyweds and began to buy them little cups and saucers. The newlyweds were then forced to use the useless trinkets when the people who gave it to them came over for lunch. So, they filled the cup with water, passed it around, and everyone dipped their fingers into it. And now you know the rest of the story.
CHAPTER 3: HOLIDAYS
A) SHABBOS
1) Introduction to Shabbos
a) Shabbos is the Jewish Sabbath, and the Jewish day of rest. One who keeps the Sabbath, like Walter Sobchak in The Big Lebowski, is said to be “Shomer Shabbos” and sometimes “Shomer Fucking Shabbos.” Shabbos commemorates the day that G-d “rested” from creating the world. I’m not sure why people assume that the week should have only seven days, since if it were nine days, we could have a three day weekend every week! After all, it’s not like G-d went back to work on Sunday or Monday, so why should we?
b) Shabbos, like all Jewish Days, begins at night. The night before the Day. They also end before the night. The next night. So, the Day begins the night of the day before the day of the Day and ends the night before the night of the Day. Everybody got that? Now say it five times fast.
c) Shabbos actually begins about an hour before sunset on the day before the Day (we’re not doing this again). Candles are lit to celebrate the occasion since men want to be able to use the 18 minutes, discussed supra. Only the women have to start early. The candles represent the light of Shabbos, or some baloney like that. We light at least two candles, and then one for each child. If a child is adopted, we exclude them.
d) Shabbos is also marked by ceremonial meals at which time a Kiddush is said over wine. If wine is unavailable, use schnapps, whiskey, beer, or something alcoholic. You must get smashed on this holy day.
e) Food is an important element to Shabbos. One must put out a seven course meal fit for hosting the British Ambassador. If meat is not served, do not even think about considering yourself a Jew.
f) In addition to booze, Shabbos is marked by the use of special bread called challah. This is a thick white bread that is braided and sold at inflated prices. We use two loaves at each meal because it’s what the Israelites did. Why they did it is a mystery.
g) Like any good religion, Judaism is basically a cult with a lot of members. And, like any effective cult, the use of songs helps keep everyone in line. In keeping with this fact, there are numerous silly songs to sing around the Shabbos table after the food has been served and alcohol drunk. Requests to begin these songs, called z'mirot, are usually made by annoying girls who have just gotten back from a year of study abroad in Israel and who believe that they will get a chussan sooner if they sing longer and louder. These people must be stopped.
2) Muktza
a) Integral to Shabbos are the laws of Muktza, and if you ever violate any of these laws you will be immediately subject to a chanting of “Muktza Goy! Muktza Goy! You are a Muktza Goy!”
b) The laws of Muktza derive from the construction, upkeep, use, and transport of the Mishkan by the Israelites in the dessert thousands of years ago. Since G-d ordered that all activity concerning the Mishkan was to stop for the duration of the Sabbath, we infer that these activities are forbidden regardless of their context. The rabbis identified 39 primary forms of activity that went into using the Mishkan. Over the years they have since found over 2 and half billion more sub-activities. Just read some of those absurd drushes that come out of Boro Park every Friday. Pretty soon we won’t even be able to go to the bathroom.
c) While we don’t have the time (or memory) to go into all 39 activities that are forbidden, as a practical matter one should refrain from lighting or extinguishing fires, using electricity, using or handling money, handling any item whose use is not crucial to an activity of Shabbos, cooking, carrying outside of an eiruv, or reading or discussing topics of a secular nature. Soon to come will be not being able to eat, sleep, drink coffee, drink alcohol, cry, pass out, pick your nose, wash your hands after going to the bathroom, go to the bathroom, or even develop a cognitive thought in your brain. Its’ how G-d wants it and you’re a Muktza Goy if you don’t conform.
3) Prayers
a) As mentioned above, prayers were instituted to replace the offering of sacrifices. And, on Shabbos, the Mishkan where the sacrifices were brought, was not used. So, naturally, we pray EVEN MORE on Shabbos. Huh?
b) The most important part of the Shabbos prayers is the reading of the Torah during the morning service. Seven men are called to bless the Torah, and one for good luck (Maftir). The Torah is divided into 54 portions read one week at a time. Except for non-leap years when double portions are sometimes read, pissing everyone off.
c) As Shabbos ends at sundown the next day, we mark the occasion by saying the Havdallah. We bless more wine, light another candle, and say goodbye to our day of rest. We also sniff a sweet-smelling spice. The rabbis tell us that it once was “crack” cocaine but the drug laws have resulted in the use of cloves.
B) PESACH
1) Introduction: Pesach is the holiday that celebrates Ahm Yisroel’s Independence. It marked the first time that the Children of Israel truly achieved nation status, thus allowing for the possibility of an independent country, a common history, and lovely periods of civil war. The holiday itself is the single busiest time of the Jewish year, as it celebrates not only Israel’s independence, but also the coming of spring and the planting season in Israel, the miracles of God’s deliverance of Israel from bondage in Egypt, and more laws, rules, and chazzerai than at any other point on the Jewish calendar. It also marks the start of the Major League Baseball season (GO YANKS!). Every rabbi in history who has wanted to make his mark on hallachah but just didn’t have much to offer seemingly just added to the endless list of rules that we are expected to follow. Couldn’t they have just added a dry fruit that we should eat on Tu B’shvat?
2) Chammetz
a) The primary rule of Pesach is the requirement to rid the home of chammetz. Chametz is all leavened bread, and those things made with it. Simple enough, right? Wrong. The rabbis, in their infinite wisdom, have devised a system of destruction to rid ourselves of chammetz more stringent and complex than the US Federal Tax Code.
b) The first requirement is to clean out the entire house, shelves, cabinets and all other cracks and crevices. It is not going too far to rip up your rugs, remove your dental fillings, disassemble your furnace, or burn your garage to the ground to be sure that not a single chammetz molecule exists on your property.
c) A new set of dishes that includes everything from a can opener to a corkscrew is needed. Just like the Israelites did in the dessert.
d) After the cleaning is done, we sell the chammetz that remains in our house to a non-Jew. In other words, we act like meshuga'im for three weeks cleaning and getting rid of every crumb we find, only to lock boxes of cereal, loaves of bread, and open containers of food in another room and claim to have gotten rid of the chammetz. Despite the fact that the chammetz technically and legally belongs to the non-Jew, we would never let him in our house to eat his Rice Krispies or corn muffins. Thus is exposed the farce of this entire process.
e) New food that will be eaten on Pesach must also be purchased, even if you already had the item before and could never have come into contact with chammetz. The idea is to be able to help out the kosher grocers when they drive up the price of coffee to $8.99 for a 2 ounce jar.
3) G’brachts
a) G’brachts is the term used for items made from wheat that are kosher for Pesach, but that have been rendered un-kosher by virtue of adding water to it or cooking it further. The reason for this is because we fear that the added water or cooking time may cause the food to rise. And we don’t want risen food at the table, now do we?
b) G’brachts is Yiddish for “holier-than-thou.”
c) For fun, crack some matza into a bowl of chicken soup when eating at the home of someone who does not eat g’brachts. You won’t believe how a 48 year old mother of four can hurdle over a dinning room table to pull the bowl away an instant before the first crumb hits the broth. If a crumb does make it in, she may very well have a heart attack. Call Hatzallah at 232-1000 and tell them that she had a g’brachts related injury. They will rush over with a defibrillator for her and a blow torch for the now chammetz'dick house.
4) Kitniyot
a) Kitniyot are foods that used to be grown next to wheat fields. So, Ashkenaz rabbis decided that since there is a 1 in a trillion chance that some wheat may have fallen into the kitniyot we must not eat them either during Pesach. These foods include rice, beans, soy, potatoes, and corn. Eat them and burn in hell.
b) While the rabbis give the mixing of wheat argument for not being allowed to eat kitniyot, the real reason is because the Ashkenaz rabbis want show how much more pious they are than their Sephardic counterparts.
c) Even though potatoes are kitniyot, we are allowed to eat them. This is due to the fact that, soon after the kitniyot ban, the rabbis realized that this time they may have gone too far. And, we all love potato kugel.
5) Erev Pesach
a) The night before Pesach we search for the chammetz which is peculiar since that is all we have been doing since Purim. Mom now puts out ten pieces of bread on the newly cleaned counters and we go around with a candle since there would be no chance of burning down the house if we merely turned the lights on. We then take a feather and draw the wretched leaven onto a wooden spoon and drop the whole business into a paper sack. We then say the incantations, and some say we should add the eye of a newt, the ear of a bat, and the tail of a mouse.
b) The next morning we burn the sack with the evil chammetz. The larger the fire, the holier you are the greater cheilek of Olam Habba you will have. The truly devout will burn entire loaves of bread and boxes of cereal, and if you really want to merit some praise hijack a bakery truck and drive it off of a cliff. Say the brocha before it hits the rocks below.
c) First-born males must either fast on this day or participate in a siyum of Mishnayos. This is because the Lord executed all the first-born males in Egypt the day before the Pharaoh set Israel free. In gratitude for saving our lives, we fast since the death penalty should have been meant for us, too. This is peculiar given that this all happened thousands of years ago, but the rabbi sort of gloss over this point.
d) Even though the holiday doesn’t actually start until an hour before sundown like all other holidays, we cannot eat items that are not kosher for Pesach after approximately 10:00 a.m. In addition, we cannot eat matza on this date (or any day in the month of Nissan starting from Rosh Chodosh). This is to ensure that there is nothing to eat on erev Pesach and that we suffer just a little extra. Every little bit helps.
6) The Seder
a) The first night of Pesach (the first two nights outside of Israel, oh joy) we have a ceremonial meal called a Seder to commemorate the exodus from Egypt. This meal is essentially a contest to see who can stay up the latest, eat the most fattening, heavy foods, drink the most alcohol, and abide the most drawn out and boring drushes after a day of endless preparation and being up at the crack of dawn. We don’t need anti-Semites to oppress us – we do a fine job ourselves.
b) The Seder is centered around the Haggaddah, a book that while purporting to tell the story of the Exodus is actually a collection of prayers, sayings, musar from rabbis, and silly songs to sing while drunk. This often goes unnoticed due to the exhaustion of everyone participating.
c) Please refer to my handbook on the Haggaddah for more whining on this subject.
7) The Remainder of Pesach
a) On the first day of Pesach we say T’philat Tal to pray for dew in Israel. We do this by dripping a cup of water on the chazzan. Any congregation that does not do this has not fulfilled the mitzvah of asking for dew.
b) On the second night of Pesach we begin to count the Omer. The Omer is the period between Pesach and Shavuot. We count by days and weeks, by stating for example that this is the twentieth day which is two weeks and six days of this stupidity. Why do we count? Because it’s fun!
c) On the Shabbos during the chol hamoed we read the Song of Songs for no other reason than because it doesn’t seem appropriate to read it on any other day of the year. This one’s as good as any.
d) After Pesach, it is every Jew’s responsibility to get to a pizza shop before midnight. Otherwise, all of the mitzvahs done during and before Pesach are null and void.
C) THE OMER AND LAG BA’OMER
1) As mentioned before, the period in between Pesach and Shavuot is called the Omer. This is a period of mourning and sadness in Jewish life, which in essence makes it like just about every other time in Jewish life.
2) The period is sad because Rabbi Akiva’s students began to die from a plague due to their having no respect for each other. We mourn by abstaining from haircuts, live music, and joyous celebrations during this period. Many Orthodox people also commemorate this period by being extra-intolerant of anyone who dares to not conform to their beliefs during this period.
3) The thirty-third day of the Omer is Lag Ba’omer, which is the day the plague killing Rabbi Akiva’s students stopped. We celebrate by getting a haircut and getting out of school early.
D) SHAVUOT
1) Shavuot is the Feast of Weeks. Why weeks? Because it’s been weeks since Pesach, duh. It also celebrates the time Israel received the Torah from the Almighty Eibeshte, as well as the time that the first fruits of Israel ripen. Without question, this is the greatest holiday of all for the following reasons: the weather is beautiful, there are few extra prayers to say, no succah to sleep in, no matza, no getting rid of chammetz, no fasting, and mom makes cheesecake. A better holiday I cannot conceive of. And I’m not even being sarcastic here.
2) However, as you may have guessed, the rabbis have tried to ruin this holiday as well suggesting that all men should stay up all night studying Torah. And by Torah they mean, of course, Talmud. All night. And not the sleazy portions, either. My guess is that this idea started with women who wanted to hog the cheesecake for themselves when the men came back too exhausted to eat after the long night.
3) Chazzal tells us that a Jew who does not eat cheesecake on Pesach is like a tourist in Mexico who does not have diarrhea: they are simply not experiencing the occasion.
4) Finally, we read the book of Ruth on Shavuot. It’s not too bad, only four chapters long. Finish quick, get home and eat cheesecake and baked ziti and before you know it, wow, yom tov is over! What a great holiday.
E) ROSH HASHANA AND THE ASSERREY YE’MEI T’SCHUVA
1) The Jewish New Year begins at sundown on the first day of the month of Tishrei, even though the month of Tishrei is the seventh month in the year and it is Nissan that’s the first. While the rest of humanity celebrates the start of a new year by eating, drinking, and having lots of unbridled sex, we celebrate by staying in schul and hiring a whiny chazzan to kvetch the prayers for hours on end while everyone falls asleep.
2) Rosh Hashanah marks the start of the Asserret Ye'mei T’shuva which is kind of like the time of year that G-d does a sin-audit. It’s not to dissimilar to the IRS. Much like the tax-collecting agency, both G-d and the IRS are basically all-powerful entities that can do no wrong and will find and punish failure to perform properly no matter where or when the transgression occurs. For both, you are required to present all of your receipts and give an explanation for why you didn’t report certain things. And for both, there is no excuse that will satisfy the reviewer. I take that back. You actually have a fighting chance with G-d, who is kind of a softy when it comes to us chosen people. At least that’s what we believe.
3) The blowing of the shofar, a ram’s horn, most prominently marks the holiday of Rosh Hashanah. The shofar is blown by an expert blower, leading to many in attendance of the blowing to make some inappropriate jokes at precisely the wrong time, this author included. The blasts from the shofar remind us that we should repent, confess all, and promise never to do it again, even though we know full well that we will. Let’s face it, half the time we are just sitting there counting down the time until yom tov is over so that we can begin sinning again.
4) We also mark the holiday by eating apples and “new fruits” with honey, indicating that we hope for a sweet year. It is also so that we can get used to having honey so that when we sit in the succah in two weeks we can attract as many bees as possible and nobody will suggest that we do without the honey this year.
5) After schul on the first day, provided it isn’t Shabbos, begins the opportunity to go do tashlich. This is the key period when we get rid of all of our sins by throwing bread into water to be eaten by fish or birds. How our sins ever got in the bread in the first place is never explained. Why this act helps alleviate our guilt from sinning is another question that is never answered. And furthermore, isn’t it cruel and dangerous for the fish and birds to be eating our sins? And isn’t that t’sar ba le’chaim, which is another sin itself? In any event, tashlich is very important as a social event when boys from Torah T’mima, Chaim Berlin, and Torah V’daas and girls from Shulamith, Prospect Park, and Beis Yaakov can go and flirt with each other and alleviate some of the fifteen years of pent up sexual tension for the first time in their lives under the pretense of doing a mitzvah. Luckily, the teachers and rabbis from these institutions are patrolling Ocean Parkway like the religious police in Saudi Arabia, making sure that any boy or girl found within fifty feet of a person of the opposite sex will be put into academic cheirum, meaning they will be expelled for soiling Ahm Yisroi’el’s good name. Meanwhile, the rabbis are just there to see some ass themselves.
6) The rest of the Asserret Ye'mei T’shuva are spent making feeble attempts to assuage the anger of the Lord. If you think about it, the Orthodox vision of G-d is that of a local Mafia Don that demands respect and compliance with his orders, and the Asserret Ye'mei T’shuva is the time period when it’s time to pay the tribute. We pray, and give charity, and repent like a college kid during exams when he spent the semester drinking and hanging out at the pool hall. But, apparently, religious cramming works.
F) YOM KIPPUR
1) Introduction to Yom Kippur
a) Yom Kippur is the last day of the Asserret Ye'mei T’shuva and the holiest day of the year. We are required to fast from sundown to sundown and spend the day in schul praying and begging for forgiveness for our sins. It is believed that on Rosh Hashana the judgments of humanity are written down and on Yom Kippur they are sealed. Frankly, the idea of G-d sitting up in heaven with a little scale, calculator, and book of life smacks of paganism, but this is the image we seem to want to create for the kinderlach.
b) The laws of muktza of Shabbos apply on Yom Kippur, so be sure to bring plenty of diversionary reading material with you when you go to schul before candle lighting.
c) We also wear non-leather shoes to schul, since leather shoes are comfortable, so instead we have to wear our more comfortable sneakers.
2) Erev Yom Kippur
a) In the morning, we admit that throwing the bread into the water was a silly way to get rid of our sins, so we do something much more rational: we waive chickens over our heads and declare “This be’ith the sinner, Oh Lord!” We then slaughter the evil chicken and devour it for dinner. Serves the evil chicken right for causing us to sin. And then we are all sin free! It is also preferable to do this ritual outside, so that all the non-Jews can see you. Maybe this act of piety will then inspire them to stop sinning, too.
b) We prepare for the fast by usually building the succah. This is a key tradition and must always be followed. Even if the succah isn’t decorated today, the walls and s'chach should go up.
c) Before nightfall, it is a mitzvah to eat as much as we can in preparation for the upcoming fast. This makes little sense since the whole point of fasting is to deny ourselves comfort during the period of repentance, but we never pass up a chance at chicken, rice, and babka.
d) *NOTE: If erev Yom Kippur is a Sunday, be sure to set your VCR to tape the ESPN late night Sunday football game.
3) Yom Kippur Night
a) The services being with the Kol Nidrei service, which is not a prayer, but rather a declaration that any promises we made in the past are now null and void. Why do we do this? Since we obviously are setting up G-d for more promises we have no intention of keeping, obviously. I seriously don’t know why G-d puts up with us. We need another mabul.
b) The prayers of Yom Kippur night, as all prayers of the times of repentance, involve many Selichot. These are prayers with long, difficult words that everyone mouths and pretends to say and then, when the chazzan reaches the end of the portion, screams as loud as they can the “Vaya’avor” part so that everyone else thinks they have said everything. This farce will be repeated ad nauseum for the next 24 hours.
c) People should be sure not to go to sleep after schul on Yom Kippur night, and to stay up all night learning massechet Yuma. If you get bored with Yuma, find a bar where the TV is on and watch the rest of the Dolphins-Patriots game.
4) Yom Kippur Day
a) Prayers start earlier than usual – by 8:00 a.m. – even though most people will not get to schul until their usual time between 9:00 and 9:30. After about twenty five minutes of davening, it’s time for a break so whip out that book on the Russian Revolution you brought with you last night. You must keep your focus.
b) No day of introspection for a Jew would be complete without two things: an appeal, and the auctioning off of aliyot. This is to remind us that G-d loves those with money more than those without, and that those who cannot afford $5000 for P’sicha Neilah are the real sinners in the room who are preventing Mashiach from coming imminently. Be sure to look around the room and sneer at those sinners. If you are between the ages of 18 and 30, be sure to get into a bidding war for Shlishi with your chevra, just so then you can give it to the guy you were bidding against. This will add at least twenty minutes to what is already a seven hour prayer session, but nobody will mind since it is le’sheim shamei’im. At the appeal, ask the gabbai who is walking around and taking bids to announce yours as anonymous even though everyone just saw who he spoke to.
c) When it comes to the Vidui, or confession, beat your chest as if your trying to give yourself the Heimlich maneuver. Remember, if your chest doesn’t display a nice red welt, then you were not sorry enough.
d) As the day draws to a close, and we are all pretty sick of the sound of voice of the annoying chazzan, we blast the shofar one last time and say “Next Year in Jerusalem!” even though we know we aren’t going anywhere. Nothing like starting off this new year with a lie! Now go home. Bagels and cream cheese await. Maariv can wait.
G) SUCCOT
After the days of repentance we celebrate Succot, the harvest festival. This holiday is marked by two key features: leaving comfort of our houses to eat in a shack decorated with colored tin foil and fake fruit, and doing a baffling rain dance with a lemon, palm, and an assortment of leaves. We also read Meggillat Kohelet on Shabbos of chol hamoed, making it a very, very long davening.
1) Succah
a) The mitzvah of the succah is to live in a temporary dwelling for the period of the holiday. Most of us have no intention of doing any such thing, and are content to have picnics in the succah instead.
b) The succah can be made of anything, but you’re not really frum unless yours is made of fiberglass or wood panels. If someone’s succah is made from canvas and tied to metal pipes be sure that no one ever makes a shiduch between those people’s children and your tattalehs. The succah is covered with schach, which we have decided is bamboo. Where the Israelites ever got bamboo in the Sinai dessert I will never know. Maybe there were some pandas around who had some left over from lunch. We decorate the succah with colored pieces of tin foil, plastic strings of fake fruit, and Christmas lights. The Israelites did the same thing, and also made a trip to G & Sons (when it was open) every year to add to the decoration collection.
c) From the succah, one must be able to see the stars at night. If there are trees in the area, they must be trimmed to a height of at least ten t’phuchim. If some snotty-nosed little Yeshiva buchur comes over and tells you that the trees have not been trimmed enough for it to be a kosher succah, tell him to go t’phuch himself.
d) All meals must be eaten in the succah. When the bees come, it is just because they want to fulfill the mitzvah of eating in the succah, too (I swear I remember someone telling me this in all seriousness when I was young).
2) Lulav and Etrog
a) Since Succot is the harvest season in Israel, we now begin to pray for rain in Israel for the winter season. We do this by taking the Lulav and Etrog and dancing around the schul with it. This pleases our G-d.
b) The lulav ceremony involves four types of vegetation: a palm branch, a citron, three myrtle branches, and two willow branches. These are representative of the four types of vegetation in Israel. When taken together they must have magic powers since we believe that G-d will respond by sending rain. Be careful when handling them, or you may get wet. It is important that you spend at least $65 to $70 on each lulav set you buy. In addition, buy a metal or velvet box for your etrog and a case for your branches. This should all cost at least $100 each to carry around items that are worth no more than 1/100th of a cent.
3) Hoshana Rabba: The last day of Succot is Hoshana Rabba. We take the lulav and etrog and dance around even longer with it. In the end, we smack the willow branches on the ground to show our G-d how pissed we are that it isn’t raining. Now he’ll listen to us.
H) SHMINI ATZERRET and SIMCHAS TORAH
1) The day after Hoshana Rabba is Shmini Atzerret. This is a holiday marked by absolutely nothing – except the request for rain. We ask G-d to give Israel rain, sans the lulav and etrog, and then throw a cup of water on the chazzan as a joke. The congregation finds this amusing year after year.
2) Outside of Israel, the next day is Simchas Torah. This is the time when we complete reading the Torah, and then begin reading it anew. The celebration of the Torah involves the men dancing around a room with the holy scrolls, while the filthy women are kept behind a barricade with the children to sit and watch. Women must NEVER, EVER, even think about forming their own circles or touching the Torahs. We must always assume that women are tamei and therefore they must be quarantined behind the tables and mechitzas.
3) The procession with the Torah scrolls are called “Hakafot” (singular: Hakafah). Every male present must get a Hakafah, even if it is just for one short circle through the procession. The order of who gets a Hakafah first is as follows:
a) The Rabbi
b) The President and officers of the Schul, since they make the rules anyway
c) The wealthier member of the Schul
d) The wealthy member’s children
e) The elderly people
f) Anyone convicted of a white collar crime
g) Anyone indicated, but not convicted, for a white collar crime
h) The members at large
i) The children
j) Men wearing a knitted, as opposed to velvet, yarmulka
4) Each Hakafah begins with a new group of men carrying the scrolls circling the floor, and being led by the one with the worst voice calling out specific prayers in a form of cadence. After the cadence the Hakafah continues with the singing of songs, the carrying of the children on the shoulders, and the sexually frustrated young boys throwing glances over to the women’s section.
5) Candy is a prime aspect of Simchas Torah. The schul candy man must bring extra goodies for all the kinderlach. They in turn must spend the day getting on and off the candy lines.
As this is the last major holiday for a while, we find creative ways of drawing the day out. Every male, even those who are not yet Bar Mitzvah, must get an Aliyah. Then we bless all the boys, then we read chussan Torah, and then Chussan Bereishit. Then we say musaf, but only after a major kiddush. By now, we are all drunk and suffering from heartburn, so what say we don’t have any more major holidays for a while, hmm?
I) CHANUKAH
1) History and Significance
a) Chanukah is the Jewish celebration of olive oil, potato pancakes, and jelly donuts. Oh, it also commemorates the Judean revolt against Assyrian-Greek tyranny in the 3rd century, BCE. It seems that the Greeks, after the time of Alexander the Great, wanted to impose their Hellenistic religion on the Jews and force them to worship Zeus and the Greek Gods. The Jews refused because they still wanted to waive chickens over their heads, and revolted. They won. After the war, the Jews found that their Holy Temple had been desecrated. So, they cleaned it up and ate latkas and jelly donuts.
b) There is also a load about one pitcher of pure oil to use in the menorah that should have only lasted for one day, but that lasted for eight days – the time it took to make new oil. But that’s just a bunch of garbage that they tell the kids. Jews kicking ass is what this holiday is really about. And we better remember it since it was the last time Jews kicked ass for the next two thousand years.
2) Laws of Chanukah
a) The primary mitzvah of Chanukah is to eat latkas and sufganiyot, or jelly donuts. This is to commemorate the oil, especially since Jewish food during the rest of the year is not greasy at all.
b) We also light the menorah for all eight days of Chanukah. Each night we start lighting one candle or oil lamp and then add one for each subsequent night. We also light one candle or lamp called the shammash, which is for good luck. After all the candles or lamps are lit we make the blessings, sing Ma’oz T’zur, make a wish, and blow all the candles out.
c) On Chanukah we also give out gifts because Jews are jealous of Christmas. There, I said it.
d) S
J) TU B’SHAVAT Tu B’shvat is the Jewish Arbor Day, when the trees in Israel begin to re-bloom. There are no special prayers, no ceremonies, and usually we don’t even get a half a day of school out of it. What do we get? A pekeleh with dried fruit and nuts. There’s nothing a child wants more than dried figs, dates, carob, and raisins. Eat the peanuts and be glad that the teacher has put the Chumash down for a few minutes.
K) PURIM
1) Introduction to Purim: Purim is the holiday that celebrates the events of Meggilat Ester. It is when the Jewish Queen of Persia and Media convinced the King to not execute the Jews in his kingdom. The King agreed, and so naturally we dress up in costumes and send food packages to each other. Read my commentary on Meggilat Ester for more information.
2) Laws of Purim
a) The day before Purim is Ta’anit Ester, the Fast of Esther. We fast because Ester fasted before she went to the King to ask him to spare the lives of the Jews in his kingdom. We also fast because all Jewish holidays must have some form of suffering.
b) On Purim night, we read the Megillah. The most important elements of this tradition are to be sure to hear every word, not to speak or break your concentration, and to fire your cap gun when the name of the villain Haman is mentioned. It is a bigger mitzvah the more noise you make, so feel free to bring champagne poppers, air horns, graggers, squeaky hammers, keyboards, and tubas to schul. The whole event should take no more than half an hour, but luckily the kids will drag it out to forty-five minutes at least.
c) We listen to the Megillah again in the morning. Go to early minyan and be done early, or face the wrath of the kids who go with their moms to the nine o’clock minyan.
d) We take food in packages to our friends and family for the mitzvah of mishlo’ach manot. Each package must contain foods that require at least 2 different blessings and be sent to at least 2 different people Why? Why not?
e) The quality of mishlo’ach manot has gone up in recent years. It now must cost each family at least $500 each Purim to send them. Woe unto the person who is given a hard salami and Dijon mustard in a Coach© Purim bag and gives back a plastic baggie with a peanut chew and an orange in it. He will be on “the list” for next year.
f) We also mark the holiday by giving a lot of charity, a very nice gesture. Unfortunately, the buchurim have taken this opportunity to get drunk, dress up in big, pink bunny rabbit suits and go from house to house in limos to dance and ask for donations to Yeshivas or to get their rebbe’s out of jail because, after all, they didn’t know that those accountants of theirs were laundering money for the Colombian drug cartels. If the doorbell rings, shut the lights and get a shotgun.
g) The holiday ends with a se’udah, or ceremonial meal, that must be started before sundown on the day of Purim. For all of the flaunting of the rules and regulations of Judaism, one mitzvah that all the buchurs are very proud to fulfill is the one to drink enough so that you cannot tell the difference between the names of Haman and Mordechai. This they are proficient at, so drive home safely.
L) THE FAST DAYS: There are a handful of fasts that are kept year-round. This is to remind us that we must always suffer as people. With the exception of Tish’a B’av, all fasts begin sometime between 4 and 5 a.m. on the morning of the fast, and end at sundown. Tish’a B’av is extended for 25 lovely hours in the searing heat of summer.
1) Shiva’a Asar B’tamuz and the Three Weeks
a) This fast commemorates the day the Babylonians breached the walls of Jerusalem and began sacking the city around 586 BCE. The fast also reminds us that it is only three weeks to a more important fast and so people usually don’t mind blowing this one off.
b) The fast also marks the beginning of the Three Weeks. The Three Weeks are the three weeks between Shiva’a Asar B’tamuz and Tish’a B’av. Within this period are the Nine Days, which are the nine day before Tish’a B’av. We come up with wonderfully creative names for these days, don’t we? During the Nine Days we are told not to eat meat, not to listen to music, and not to swim. Swim? You know that if it wasn’t summer swimming would never have been an issue. Nobody says not to swim on Asara B’tevet.
2) Tish’a B’av
a) This somber day is the saddest on the Jewish calendar, making it one pretty damn sad day. It commemorates the day both the Babylonians and Romans destroyed both the first and second Holy Temples. It’s also the day that Beitar, the last independent Jewish city during the Roman period, was destroyed, and was the deadline for the Jews to leave Spain in 1492 at the culmination of the Spanish Inquisition. And, according to the Torah, it was the day that the Children of Israel cursed G-d after the spies came back from Canaan and reported that there were many strong nations in the land. This was not a good day.
b) We fast from sundown to sundown, and spend the day trying to stay near an air conditioner. We also sit on the floors instead of comfortable chairs, but wear non-leather shoes like sneakers which makes us more comfortable so comfort is pretty much a wash on this day.
c) The night of Tish’a B’av we read Meggilat Eicha, which was written by the prophet Yirmiyahu. We also do not put on tephilin during shacharit the next morning, but do put it on at mincha. So if you’re not going to go to schul at some point anyway, skip the morning and sleep in. If you do go in the morning, we read the Kinot, sad poems (isn’t that redundant in Judaism?) that lament many of the terrible things that have happened to the Jewish people. There are A LOT of them, go figure. Most people conk out and leave after about twenty minutes anyway, so go take a shluff and then rent movies from Blockbuster with a Jewish theme like Yentl, The Frsico Kid, and Nazi propaganda films.
3) Tzom Geddalya: Tzom Geddalya is a fast that commemorates the assassination of the Jewish Governor of Israel after Cyrus the Great allowed the Jews to return to rebuild the Holy Temple shortly after the events of Purim. It is observed on the third day of Tishrei, giving us something else wonderful to look forward to on Rosh Hashana. This is the least kept fast of the year for three reasons: 1) even if Geddalya hadn’t been assassinated, he’d be dead now anyway, 2) the big fast of Yom Kippur is only a week away, and 3) would Geddalya have fasted for you if you had been assassinated?
4) Asara B’tevet: This is that fast that commemorates the day that the Babylonians and Romans laid siege to Jerusalem in 69 C.E. It is marked by everyone stating during the day “Oh, I didn’t realize that today was Asara B’tevet. Oh well.”
5) Tzom Sheini-Chamishi-Sheini: These fasts are observed by holier-than-though, goody-two-shoes, pains-in-the-ass, frumy-bummys on the first Monday, Thursday, and second Monday after Pesach, Shavuot, and Succot. The fasts are held to ask for forgiveness for any sins that were committed during the drunken revelry of the previous holiday which, in the cases of these hypocrites, are likely very considerable.
M) ROSH CHODESH
1) The start of every Jewish month is also a time of celebration which, in Orthodox Jewish terms, means more prayers and not much else. The Shabbos before Rosh Chodesh, just before musaf, the gabbai announces to the congregation the day and time the month will change. For some reason, he does so in Yiddish and nobody has the guts to ask why.
2) On Rosh Chodesh we say the Hallel and Musaf and read an extra Torah portion. We also forget to say Ya’aleh V’yavo during benching so that others can tsk-tsk us.
N) THE NON-RELIGIOUSLY BASED HOLIDAYS: There are several other days on the calendar that are celebrated or commemorated, despite their not having a religious basis. Clearly, the more of these you recognize, the less frum you are.
1) Yom Hasho’a: This is the day that commemorates the Nazi Holocaust. It is celebrated by having your grandparents come to school and tell everyone what it was like in old Europe.
2) Hey Iyar: The fifth day of the month of Iyar is Israel’s Independence Day. Modern Orthodox and less religious schools celebrate it with singing, dancing, and many people even say the Hallel in gratitude to G-d. Good religious Yeshiva’s, though, ignore it since, as we know, the government in Israel is comprised of unreligious heathens and the state is invalid until the Mashiach comes and drops a new Holy Temple on the Dome of the Rock in Jerusalem.
3) Yom Yerushalai’im: This day celebrates the day that the Israeli army liberated the Old City of Jerusalem from the Jordanians in 1967. It is treated the same as Hey Iyar, above.
4) Yom Hazikaron: This is Israel’s Memorial Day. Moments of silence are held in many Jewish institutions except in frum beis ha’midrashes where the study of Talmud must never cease.
CHAPTER 4: MARRIAGE AND DIVORCE
The union of a man and woman is the ultimate joy in Jewish life. It’s getting to that point that is the real pain.
A) Dating
1) Dating in the Orthodox world is unlike dating in any other society on Earth. For starters, dating – as it is commonly known – is frowned upon. The purposes of secular dating – love, happiness, sexual gratification – are frowned upon. There is but one valid purpose for dating in the Orthodox Jewish world: to get married and then fulfill the mitzvah of pru ur'vu. That’s it. We are to have children, lots of children, and raise them to follow in our footsteps.
2) Dating in the Orthodox world is done via the shidduch – the setup. The one who arranges the date is known as the shadchan. Under no circumstances are the potential datees to be the shadchans and set themselves up! If you want to date, you are to tell your Tati who will seek out the shadchan to find a fruma yid or fruma maideleh for you to marry to have tattalehs with.
B) Instructions For The Shadchan:
1) Setting up a shidduch is one of the biggest mitzvahs a yid can do. Remember to set people up who have things in common – like large bank accounts.
2) When discussing the suitability of specific boys and girls, there are some things that are of the utmost importance:
a) whether the boy wears a white vs. a blue shirt;
b) what color the tablecloth on the girl’s mother’s Shabbos table is;
c) which kashrus hechsher the families use;
d) how many years the boy has been learning;
e) how much the girls’ mother weighs (its sort of like a crystal ball);
f) whether the boy went to college (we hope not);
g) whether there is anyone in either family that has been divorced, etc.;
h) how much mishnayos the boy has committed to memory;
i) whether the girl is hot.
C) Instructions For The Boys
1) When set up on a shidduch, be sure to say many k’pitl of tehilim before the date. You must ask the Almighty Eibeshte to give you the strength and stomach to get through with the occasion.
2) Prior to the shidduch you should shower for once, button all the buttons on your shirt (through the proper holes), put on your favorite black suit jacket, comb your hair, twirl your paiyis, and shave off your Buchary mustache.
3) Be sure that Tati’s Chevy station wagon is fully gassed up, that the cracked rear-window has a garbage bag over it, and that vomit from your little brother Chaim-Moishee is somewhat cleaned up.
4) It is recommended that you fast on the day of the date. Pray to G-d that you won’t loose your lunch when you see your intended. You knew how bad it could get when you saw your sister Blooma-Raizy’s friends when they came over to study Pirkei Avos.
5) Prepare a nice d’var Torah to tell the girl’s father. Something topical, useful, and current would be nice, such as the proper way to shecht the Para Addumah.
6) Brush off your black hat and tilt it a little to the side so she knows you are a rebel.
7) Remember to take your tephilin with you in case she invites you to spend the night.
8) Try not to throw up when her father answers the door. Ask if Fruma-Faiga is ready to go out, and don’t sigh impatiently when her Ta says she needs a few more minutes. After all, she has only had twenty years to get ready for her first date.
9) Tell her father the wonderful drush you’ve prepared. When your shiduch’s little brother Menachem-Mendel comes into the room and asks if you are here to sleep with his sister keep your cool.
10) When she does appear, do not comment on her appearance lest her father think you are merely interested in her makom eirva. Look away instead.
11) Have her walk behind you to the car lest anyone get the wrong impressions about your intentions. Open the back door for her, but don’t help her get in. If you’re really frum, give her bus fare and tell her where the date will be. Assure her that you will follow her bus.
12) Have the date be in a place where no hanky-panky could take place and where plenty of people can see how uncomfortable you are. A hotel lobby, a library, or Grand Central Station’s platform #4 are all prime locations.
13) Keep the conversation simple and inoffensive. Discuss how many children she wants to have, which school she went to, how many pounds her mother has put on in the past fifteen years (so you know what to expect), whether she has any better looking friends (to set your friends up with, of course), and of course, the parshas ha’shavua.
14) Offer to take your date out for dinner. If she is hungry, Sweet Choice is on Coney Island Avenue and Avenue K in Brooklyn. Buy her an ice cream and thank her for a lovely evening. Tell her you’d take her home but you want to be on time for night chaider. That should impress her.
15) When you get home, be sure to call the shadchan and offer him or her more money next time for a better looking girl.
D) Instructions For The Girls
1) Once a date has been secured, drop to your knees, and cry and thank hashem that he is sending you a chussan given how unattractive you are.
2) Find your most appropriate dress. Like the one you wore to your cousin’s wedding last fall. Also, remember to wear shiny, shiny shoes.
3) It doesn’t matter how tight a skirt is on a girl’s body – as long as it’s a skirt it’s tsniyus and makes you more modest than those whores who wear pants.
4) Put on more makeup than Ronald McDonald.
5) Remember to bring a little seifer of tehilim so that you’ll have something to do in case there is a minute or two of uncomfortable silence.
6) Be sure to have your cell phone with you to call Tati in case the boy gets fresh and tries to come within thirty feet of you. Remember, boys are easily tempted and have no control over their filthy urges (particularly the ones who have had no sexual releases for their entire lives).
7) When your date arrives, make him wait. You must finish saying Maariv, after all.
8) Walk behind your date, and sit in the back seat of his car even if he offers you the front. What kind of a girl does he think you are?
9) Remember that as a Bas Yisroel you are the guardian of modesty and chastity in the world and must do nothing that may turn your date, or any other human being, on. Be sure to walk and sit with your arms crossed. You may be wearing fifty pounds of padding on your chest but he is trying to see your goodies.
10) Don’t let him guide the conversation. He’ll have to learn sooner or later how marriage is going to be.
11) Find out what his plans and aspirations are. Maybe he plans on finishing sha’as for the third time by Succos. Also, find out what he wants to do for a living. For example, if he is going to go to graduate school you may want to consider calling your Tati right away since being a professional will no doubt cut into the time he can sit in the Beis Midrash and learn. He should be taking a job that will leave him with enough time to go to the Beis Midrash for at least six hours every day. BUT, he also must be prepared to support a family of twelve, buy you a better car than your friend’s husbands have, and be able to take everyone to Eretz Yisroel for Pesach each year. You deserve it.
12) If he takes you out for dinner order the most expensive thing on the menu, take one small bite and say you are done. If he dares to have it doggie bagged then he is a cheapskate and does not deserve such a wonderful Bas Yisroel as yourself.
13) Regardless of how bad the date was, if he can stand being with you accept the next date. After all, a bad husband, G-d forbid, is better than no husband, G-d forbid.
E) After one or two dates, you should decide if you want to spend the rest of your life with this person or not. If so, a wedding should be planned and held within three weeks.
F) The Wedding: A wedding is a joyous occasion, especially for the guests. For the bride and groom at a Jewish wedding, that’s another story.
1) Preparation
a) A vurt should be held soon after the engagement is made. To the vurt should be invited everyone who will not be invited to the wedding so that you can get the extra presents.
b) NOTE ON THE ENGAGEMENT RING: al pi hallacha, every girl’s engagement ring MUST be larger than any of her friend’s that she went to high school with who have already gotten married. Therefore, you’re doing yourself a chessed by encouraging your son to marry a 17-year old.
c) There is simply no other way to say this: the wedding must be so expensive so that all of your guests will simply drop dead from the shock of being so impressed when they walk into the hall.
d) A hall must be chosen ahead of time. I recommend that the parents select one at the boy’s bris or the girl’s shalom nekeivah. That way, the couple can discuss it on their first date. If they don’t want to be wed at the same hall we know it won’t work out.
e) Since all of Ahm Yisroel celebrates in a Jewish wedding, all of Ahm Yisroel must be invited. Any less than 500 people at your wedding and you should really ask yourself why you have such sin’as chinam for other yidden.
f) The traditional way of splitting the bill is for the boy’s side to pay for FLOP (flowers, liquor, orchestra, photography), and the girl’s side to pay for everything else. This way, the girl’s side sets the number of guests, the boy’s side determines the fanciness, and each side can claim that the other is skimping on the frills. On the other hand, if you split it down the middle you won’t be able to experience the delights of the in-laws nearly coming to blows over whether the bride’s Cousin Yossel’s brother-in-law and his mishpucha of twelve tattalehs should be invited.
g) There should be no mixed seating, dancing, or any other activity at the wedding hall. If you can afford it, rent two halls, preferably in different cities.
h) Invitations should go out as soon as possible to avoid people planning to go to other weddings on the same day. To be safe, print the invitations the day of the couple’s first date. You may be able to send them out by the evening
i) Be sure to always refer to the bride and groom as the kahlah and chussan and from the point of their engagement until four years after they have grandchildren. This rule applies to everyone, including parents, friends, teachers, business associates, and government agencies. For example, tax returns should read “The Chussan Fruchtbein.”
j) The weekend before the wedding, the boy’s family will through him a aufruf. This is a mini-wedding on Shabbos to which the girl is not invited. The girl must stay at home with her friends for Shabbos-Kahlah where she shows off her ring to her insanely jealous friends for 24 hours. The friends are encouraged to say tehilim all Shabbos that Hashem will send them a ring . . . , err, I mean husband.
2) The Ceremony
a) The chussan and kahlah must fast on their wedding day. This is, apparently, because it is a sad event. The fast is canceled out, however, if the wedding day is Rosh Chodesh, since the rabbi’s couldn’t think of any other hallachas to make up for Rosh Chodosh.
b) At the hall, the chussan and kahlah must say the mincha that is said on erev Yom Kippur with the vidui (confession). This is because they are now off to die and they should make their peace with the Lord.
c) Before the ceremony the chussan is to be sequestered in the chussan’s tish, a small party with inferior food compared to the smorgasbord. A little bit a cake is appropriate and don’t forget the bottle of Old Williamsburg.
d) The chussan is escorted into the kahlah’s room amid fanfare and singing. However, this is also a somber moment and the rabbis remind all not to get too raunchy. The chussan pulls the veil down over the face of his bride after making sure that it is the right girl. This is an age-old tradition dating back to when the chussan’s couldn’t stand the sight of their intended.
e) The ceremony is performed under a chuppah, or canopy, under an opening in the ceiling so that it can rain in. The rabbi reads the kettubah, or marriage contract, out loud for all to hear so we understand the terms even though it’s in a foreign language we don’t understand. The kahlah circles the chussan seven times in honor of Mickey Mantle’s #7. The chussan then says the magic words, and puts a ring on her finger and Voila, they are wed. Don’t try this at home, kids.
f) Immediately after the ceremony, the chussan and kahlah are escorted to the “yichud” room where they will be alone for the first time in their lives. This is to demonstrate that now that they are wed, they can be alone together since, as we all know, no unrelated boy and girl are ever, ever, EVER, alone before they are married. Ahem, RIGHT?
g) Upon entering the reception room, the chussan and kahlah should enter holding hands to pronounce that they are now permitted to touch each other. They then split up, going to separate sides of the room since it’s inappropriate for men and women to be together.
h) During the dancing, the rabbi’s urge that if women insist on parading themselves around like cheap meat, there should be a mechitza at least ten feet high and that extends all the way to the floor. It is often called the Chaim-Berlin Wall (Note: credit for this observation goes to my good friends Sarah and Leib).
i) There should be no undue celebrating, such as bringing a woman into the men’s circle (not even the chussan’s mother), placing the chussan on someone’s shoulders, or the chanting Eishet Chayil (it’s immodest).
j) The whole shebang should be stopped mid celebration to say Maariv, preferably at the climax of the dancing. Too much dancing could lead to loose thoughts and morals.
k) Everyone should stay for the first sheva brochot, even if it’s not held until midnight on a work night and you have a two hour drive to get home.
3) The Sheva Brochot
a) Seven ceremonious Sheva Brochot meals are held immediately after the wedding, usually one a day for a week. The wedding meal itself counts as one, and so six more are held. That way we guarantee that the chussan and kahlah are not doing anything inappropriate like going on a honeymoon and maybe actually enjoying some quality time alone.
b) The Sheva Brochot are marked by an extended benching after the meal. Seven brochot are read over a cup of wine. The wine is passed from person to person, making a total of 49 brochot said over the entire period so, if you are one of the men who don’t get a brocha you pretty much know where you stand in the eyes of the newlyweds. Next time, give a better gift.
c) After the blessings, the wine of two glasses in mixed together by pouring it back and forth. There is absolutely no explanation for this. What probably started it was that a notable rabbi was observed topping off his glass after a blessing with the wine from another glass and everyone just decided that there much be a very good reason to mimic this behavior.
d) Once the last Sheva Brochot meal is held, the wedding is officially over and we can go back to being rude to the chussan and kahlah. They are such assholes, anyway.
G) Divorce
Divorce, though painful, is all too often a consequence of marriage. Though it’s not often said, we know that most divorces are caused by the evil influences of non-Jewish society. The rules of divorce are as follows: men get to seek a divorce and women must accept. Women cannot initiate a divorce, and they are immodest and bad Jews if they do. Accordingly, no rabbi should ever help a woman seek a divorce and instead should be reminded her of her responsibility to her family and the Hakodesh Baruch Hoo. It’s women like this that are preventing the Moshiach from coming this minute.
CHAPTER 5: FAMILY PURITY
A) Women are unclean things. Luckily, we have an entire area of law that prevents them from spreading their fowl bunk all over the rest of the clean, pure men. These are the laws of needa, or family purity, and they must be observed strictly. By women, of course. Men are naturally pure.
B) Once a woman starts menstruating she is considered, for purposes of spiritual cleanliness, impure. She must clean herself by way of a mikva, a special bath that collects pure rain water. Therefore, the woman bathes in water that was sent by G-d himself, rather than water from cisterns that bring up water from the devil.
C) Women do not go to mikvas until they are married since the only reason for them to be pure is to be able to touch a man. And certainly no woman is doing that until she is married. Ahem, right?!?!? (Prospect Park girls, I am looking in your direction).
D) A mikva has precise architectural and engineering needs and luckily I know none of them. In the alternative, a woman can use any natural body of water to bathe, such as an ocean or lake. This is actually the preferred method according to some rabbis. These rabbis, incidentally, often get caught peeping in the bushes with binoculars and their pants down.
E) Once a woman “stains” she is considered needa. She must cease and desist all contact with men, especially her husband. In fact, should the unthinkable happen and she has sexual relations with him while she impure, he will explode. It’s very dangerous and messy.
F) When a woman is needa she must not even come into contact with things that her husband may come into contact with (the filth of tamei is very, very contagious).
G) When the woman stops bleeding she must now count out seven days during which time she does not bleed. These extra seven days are actually not required but were taken on voluntarily by B’nos Yisrael many years ago. While the rabbis often laude the women for this sacrifice that they took upon themselves l’sheim shama’im, it is far more likely that the women simply wanted another week’s reprieve from sleeping with the filthy men they had married which, if these men looked anything like most Orthodox men today, is very understandable. Additionally, a woman must not hand her husband anything directly (she may get some tamei goo on the item) and should, at the very least, separate her bed from her husband. It is actually even better if she leaves the country altogether, but let’s not get picky.
H) On the seventh day after a woman stops bleeding, the woman must prepare herself by bathing and clipping her nails. Truth be told, the entire nail should be removed, with pliers if necessary, and all hair ripped out by the root. The woman then goes to the water or mikva and immerses herself completely three times, and says “There’s no place like home . . .” and PRESTO! she is no longer tamei. How going into the water cleans her is one of the great mysteries of life but, given that we are a religion that believes that waiving a chicken over our heads dispenses with out sins, this isn’t too big a stretch.
I) Once clean, the woman can return to the normal routines of life which, for most Jewish girls, amounts to finding other reasons not to sleep with these kuggel-filled monstrosities they have married.
CHAPTER 6: SEXUAL INTAMACY (stop giggling)
Contrary to popular belief, Jewish dogma considers engaging in sexual contact as something that is approved of and encouraged by G-d and should be enjoyed to the fullest. Of course, it should be enjoyed to the fullest with about a trillion preconditions and rules.
A) Who?
1) According to Hallacha, only married men and women may engage in sexual intercourse, and only between the spouses (nice try). There is a nice long list in Leviticus detailing how many forms of sexual contact are considered abominations. Furthermore, the rabbanim spend a lot of time discussing all of the different types of sexual positions and relationships that are impermissible, so obviously sex is either really important or these rabbis are just really horny.
2) Some rabbai’im who never seem to appear in public have also expressed support via posters on street corners for the concept of a “peelegesh” or concubine. For the sake of “Shalom Bayit”, or household peace, these rabbis would permit a man to sleep with a nubile, young, innocent, zaftig girl so that his sexual cravings should be quenched and so that he will stay married to his pig of a wife rather than seek a divorce. Of course, if a woman even thinks about sleeping with another man for the same reason she should be subjected to 40 lashes immediately.
B) When?
1) As discussed in the section on Family Purity, women are unclean things for half of the month (even though it’s only less than a week, but luckily Bas Yisroel added the extra seven days). So, since you cannot even have your wife pass you a salt shaker during the unclean days, sex is also out.
2) Aside from that, sex is permissible at all times except on Yom Kippur which gives us another reason to love that day.
C) What?
1) Big disputes arise over what is considered permissive sexual contact and sexual positions. While there is some consensus over the minimal of what is allowed, a wide disparity exists over what should be added. The best solution is to have your local Rav come over to your home and to observe what you are doing with your spouse and then let you know whether it is permissible. You will note that the Rav will indicate that you can call him at any time, day or night, and he’ll come right over. Some will even offer to install a “Sex Shai’la” red-phone-to-Moscow style hotline in your bedroom at their expense. These are the truly pious men.
2) The basic rule of what is permissive is as follows: it must lead to ejaculation ASAP. Any delay and sensation of undue enjoyment is inappropriate and an abomination before the Lord. Also, you must attempt to prevent the woman from experiencing any enjoyment from the activity lest she lose control of herself and become a woman of lose morals. Luckily, men don’t have that problem. It’s just when women tempt us that we sin.
3) During sex, it is considered admirable to think of the Eibeshte and even imagine that you are having a menage-a-trois with the Lord in bed with you. It is especially appropriate to whisper sweet Tehilim into the ear of your partner.
4) Restrict your movements as much as possible during sex. The woman should always be on the bottom, even if her chussan weighs 300 pounds and she is a 110 pound wisp. Getting crushed for the sake of pru u’rvu is a mitzva. It is impermissible to engage in anal sex, oral sex, or any other orifice sex. No other position besides woman-on-bottom is allowed, so no doggy-style either. You are not a vilda chaya. Repeat: YOU ARE NOT A VILDA CHAYA.
5) No birth control of any kind may be used at any point in time. Were you to use some form of contraception the man’s precious fluids would be wasted. And there is nothing the Eibeshte hates more than wasting a man’s precious fluids.
D) Where?
1) It is the duty of all parents to ensure that their children attend Chussan and Khala classes before their weddings since, if the children were brought up properly, they don’t have the foggiest notion of how babies are made. Therefore, without the classes, they won’t know where to put their you-know-what.
2) A pious and learned Rav, preferably one with an extensive pornography collection, should give the Chussan classes. The classes should always begin with an emotional and boisterous plea for mechila for even thinking about such a filthy and forbidden subject. The boys must be taught all the rules of mikva, Family Purity, and how to count from 1 to 7. This last part is especially important since they probably have only been studying Talmud from Nursery school on.
3) The Khala classes should be given by the Rav’s wife. She should begin the first class by showing the girls the film Backseat Sluts 4: The Revenge of the Erection since it is considered the most halachicly acceptable film on the subject. The doors must be shut and the windows sealed so that the girls won’t be able to escape when they see what sex is all about. If the Rav has the money, an A Clockwork Orange-style movie theater should be constructed with the girls tied into chairs like Alex the Malchik.
4) After the initial panic attacks and pleas for forgiveness from G-d have subsided, the girls will grow accustomed to seeing a man’s shventzell. Remember: the only experience these girls have with male genitalia is when they change their little brothers. They were never told that it gets bigger. Though, in truth, since we are dealing with Yidden here, perhaps they won’t even notice any difference.
5) The girls must now be taught all the finer points of proper sexual intimacy, such as how to choke back the laughs when Avram-Moishy takes his pants off for the first time. They must also learn how to mentally block out any of the pleasurable sensations they are experiencing. A good way to do this is to tell them that they are Chayav Kareit if they enjoy sex at all. Also, Hashem will curse them with a smaller house than their friends. It’s a lie, but it’s worth it in the end.
6) The classes should end with a joint class with all the boys and girls together. The Rav and his wife should show them exactly how it’s done, complete with the woman saying “no, we just did it the last time you finished Sha’s” and the Rav finishing in 30 seconds while screaming “OYYYY, AVINU MALKIENU!!!!!”
7) If at this point any boy or girl still don’t know “where” to put it, a road map should be given to each, complete with instructions in Yiddish.
E) Why?
1) The question arises as to why the Lord would allow us to engage in such a filthy and provocative practice as sexual intercourse. The answer is: To fulfill the mitzva of pru u’rvu. Since the woman should be impregnated right away, intercourse should occur no more than twice per calendar year.
2) We all understand that a woman getting pregnant requires three participants: the man, the woman, and the Lord. Therefore, if a man places his precious fluids into the woman’s makom eirva, and she does not conceive, it is required that the community draws a negative inference concerning the woman and the way she conducts herself via Family Purity. Quite clearly, if a newlywed bride is not pregnant by the day after the wedding then she is a slut, a whore, and is preventing the arrival of Mashiach with her filthy ways. It must also be stated here definitively that it is never the man’s fault that his wife doesn’t conceive. Always the woman’s.
CHAPTER 7: CHILDREN
A) Bris: A bris is the ritual circumcision of Jewish male children for the purposes of fulfilling our covenant with G-d. While the rabbis discuss many aspects of the bris, the one they shy away from is why precisely G-d would demand mutilating a man’s penis as the price of his favor.
1) A bris is performed on the morning of the eighth day of the baby’s birth. It is done in the morning so that we are still drowsy and weak and are less likely to intervene while someone takes a blade to a baby’s manhood.
2) The baby is carried in and placed on a person called the sandak. The sandak had better either be someone old who will be somewhat unaware of what is happening, or someone who is unfazed altogether by the cutting up of children.
3) The circumcision is performed by an expert called a mohel. Most mohel’s are former butchers who have gotten into too much trouble over the years for being too cruel to the animals.
4) After the foreskin is severed, the mohel sucks some blood out of the baby’s penis. You read that right. He places his lips on a newborn infant’s schlong and sucks the blood out. This is what our G-d demands of us. Sometimes the mohel uses a straw, but a properly trained, old-school mohel knows that for pure sucking power nothing beats flesh on flesh.
5) After the circumcision, a tissue soaked in schnapps is stuffed into the wailing baby’s mouth. He may be crying, but that’s just because he’s cold, or he doesn’t like being bothered. Yes, I would say that having a knife taken to your penis qualifies as being bothered. But the schnapps should make everything better.
6) Once done, the baby’s name is chosen. Then everyone goes to celebrate the fact that some penis flesh has been cut off by eating pink lox. On bagel, with a shmeer.
B) Pidyon Ha’ben: If a woman’s first child is a male, then the couple must redeem the child from a kohen through a pidyon ha’ben. The reason is that originally the priesthood was to be vested in all first-born males. After the sin of the golden calf, however, G-d had it switched to Aaron’s family. But, much like Rumplestiltskin, the kohen’s still have some right to all first-born male children. So, we redeem the children by paying an amount of money to the kohen and guessing his name, also like Rumplestiltskin.
C) Oopsherin
1) For some reason, many Ashkenaz Jews refuse to cut the hair of their male children until they are three years old There are two possible reasons for this: 1) the parents delight in making their boys look like girls, and 2) the parents are cheap.
2) Prior to the cutting, be sure to take a picture of the child against a wall that later you can put a picture of the child, with the hair cut, looking at himself with long hair. Be sure to show the pictures of the child with long hair to everyone in order to traumatize the child.
D) Schooling: It is the duty of all parents to impart to their children the knowledge and wisdom of the Torah. In lieu of doing it themselves, however, most parents opt to send their children to a Yeshiva. It is here that the children will be taught all the nuances and aspects of Judaism, particularly how to obey without question. Be sure to send your child to a school that will not trigger the development of any ability to reason or think or else that is the end of the religion.
E) Bar/Bat Mitzvah
1) When boys reach the age of 13, and girls reach the age of 12, they are Bar and Bat Mitzva respectively. Practically speaking, this means that they are now responsible for their own actions and will suffer the consequences of their sins.
2) A boy celebrates his becoming a man by being called up to Torah for an Aliyah on the first Shabbos after his birthday, having a huge fuss and party made over them, and being counted for purposes of a minyan. Girls celebrate by getting their period.
F) Kibud Av Va’eim: Among the most important mitzvot in the Torah is kibud Av Va’eim – honoring your father and mother. This requirement is traced all the way back to the Ten Commandments (the commandments, not the movie) and is observed in some form or another by virtually every society on Earth. Not so commonly known is that the rabbis approve of, and in fact encourage, not fulfilling this mitzvah if your parents are not practicing Judaism properly. Reasons for not respecting your parents include, but are not limited to: their using warm water on Shabbos, their only devoting three hours a day to davening, your mother wearing pants, your father not wearing his tzitzit in the shower, listening to non-Jewish music, reading a book that was not written by your rebbe, and eating food from a restaurant your rebbe doesn’t approve of. And kids, remember, you can disrespect your aunts and uncles and grandparents, too!
CHAPTER 8: BUSINESS RELATIONS
As a horrible consequence of Adam and Chava not having enough self-control mankind is condemned to having to work for their bread rather than spend their days in Chaider learning Torah. Making a living is necessary and there is a Jewish and a non-Jewish way of going about earning parnassa. A Jew must always remember to conduct himself with the proper amount of business ethics, at least while the shaigetz government is looking. The laws of engaging in business in a Jewish way are limited due to secular laws on the same subjects, but im yirtza Hashem, when Mashiach comes we won’t have to put up with such non-Jewish notions as income taxes or full disclosure.
A) Employer-Employee Relations
1) A Yid must treat his workers as fairly as possible. This is not only because it is the moral thing to do, but also because your non-Jewish workers may come away with a bad impression of Jews and thus create a Chillul Hashem. Of course, if your employees are Jewish, you can treat them as poorly as you want. Beat them if they step out of line. If they threaten to go to authorities, threaten to pay off the local Rav to put them in cheirum if they talk.
2) There is no need to be overly generous with your workers. One day off a week was good enough for Hashem, it should be good enough for them, too.
3) Christmas and Easter and workdays, no questions asked. You should give them off on Lag B’omer and Yom Yerushala’im, however. Of course, it will be without pay.
4) There is nothing wrong with having your workers cut a few corners if they are not Jewish. But that is something a pure Yid should stay away from.
5) It is important to be closed on Shabbos, but you can arrange for your workers to go pick up Yankees tickets for you when they go on sale on a Saturday. This is something the rabbei’im clearly could not have contemplated.
B) Sales and Purchases
1) Remember to use a fair system of weights and measures when dealing with sales and purchases. If you plan on giving some of the extra cash to tzeddukah, you can be “a little more fair” with yourself rather than with your business associates.
2) You should always do your best to patronize Jewish merchants, but remember: only a non-Jew pays retail.
3) Where in the Torah does it say that if you sell to shkootzim that your thumb can’t be on the scale when they buy their traifa food products?
4) If you receive extra change back from the cashier you are required to return it, even to a non-Jew. Hashavat Aveidah is a mitzvah. Of course, if you basically forced the person with a struggling business to sell you items at a price that is basically theft, that’s just business.
5) Nowhere does it say that the price of meat shouldn’t triple around the time of Yom Tov. It’s your fault that cows have fewer calves and chickens lay fewer eggs around Pesach?
C) Advertising: The Torah says precious little about publicity and promotion of your goods or services, but there is one hint as to the proper way to do it: When dealing with stiff-necked people who may not indulge your business, there is nothing wrong with holding a mountain over their heads and threatening to drop it unless they agree. You’ll be surprised how fast they say “Na’asei V’nishma.” If you can’t find a mountain, an 356-magnum will do especially if some hired Sicilians handle it. Capice?
D) Contracts and Business Deals: A Jew’s word is his word and it can’t be broken unless someone offers you the same merchandise at 10% less.
E) Taxes: It will be a cold day in gehennom when a Jew should be obligated to pay taxes to government that doesn’t even have the decency to fund Yeshivas for our 25 year old kolel boys. That said, the only real sin in not paying taxes is getting caught. Hey, do you use the public schools? The free medical clinics? The military? The Metropolitan Museum of Art filled with all those apikores paintings? I don’t think so. Just be sure to get the Cartel back all their laundered money by the deadline.
CHAPTER 9: CHARITY AND CHESSED
A) Introduction to Chessed (and most Jews I have met certainly need to be introduced, since it’s quite clear they have never met before)
1) The Torah teaches us that how we treat our fellow man is at least as important as how we treat G-d. How others perceive us treating our fellow man, however, is MORE important than how we treat G-d or even treat others in reality.
2) All should give to charity what they can. How much is dictated by what they have, what they earn, their expenses, and who will be watching.
3) In schul, you must drop in a few coins into the tzeddukah box. Don’t use bills – nobody will hear them clink.
4) When someone comes to the door asking for tzeddukah send them away if they claim they are starving to death. If they were, how could they have the strength to beg? On the other hand, if they are asking for money for a new Yeshiva for overindulged buchurs who just got back from Israel write them a big check. This is a worthwhile cause.
5) NEVER, UNDER ANY CICUMSTANCES, GIVE MONEY TO A FOUNDATION THAT PROVIDES ASSISTANCE TO WOMEN WHOSE HUSBANDS WON’T GIVE THEM A GET. This only encourages more women to leave their wonderful spouses and further causes tzurros to Ahm Yisroel.
6) The Torah commands us to do two things related to agricultural charity: the Pei’a and the Bicurim. For Pei’a a farmer must leave a large corner of his field un-harvested and free for the poor to pick what they want. For Bicurim, the farmer must not pick up any produce that falls while being picked. Instead, the poor may glean the remainder. Since most of us aren’t farmers, though, it’s enough that we don’t kick homeless people while walking down the street.
B) Specific Mitzvot of Chessed
1) Hachnasas Orchim: Avraham Aveenu had a tent with openings in each direction so that he could see who was passing by in order to invite in guests (it couldn’t just be that he wanted to have a cross breeze while living in the dessert could it?). We must always remember to invite in those who have less than us, unless they smell.
2) Bikur Cholim: Visiting and comforting the sick is a high priority. The Torah always tries to illustrate just how important it is for the young and strong to make the elderly and weak comfortable. We are required to turn off the air conditioner, even in 100 degree heat if some senile old man says he’s cold in July. If the sick person is suffering from a mental illness it is okay to just tell them to stop being such a baby.
3) L’Vayat Hameit: The things we do for the deceased are considered the most selfless acts one can do since the deceased cannot repay you and their will has probably gone through probate.
4) Hachnasat Kahlah: Making the chussan and kahlah happy on their wedding day is a great mitzvah, but it is never nearly as important as complaining to either of them that the food isn’t good, the mechitza is too low, that they look fat in their wedding clothes, or that you’re disappointed that they had the nerve to not give your son a kibbud during the ceremony.
5) Rodeph Shalom: Making peace between two fruma Yids is a great deed. If nobody you know is fighting now, go tell someone at schul that someone said that he wears peiyis implants. Then when they come to blows, you can break it up.
6) V’ahavta L’reiacha Kamocha: This is the universal axiom that all religions have a version of: love one’s neighbor as yourself. This means that you should strive to do things that please others as you would do so for yourself. Of course, if your neighbor insists on ending Shabbos according to a Young Israel calendar, he is not really your neighbor.
CHAPTER 10: LEARNING TORAH
There is no higher good that can be done than learning Torah. Every morning we read off a list of things to which there is no limit as to how much of it a Jew can do, and then read that learning Torah is akin to doing all of them. Of course, what this probably meant was that if one learns Torah properly they will then be influenced to fulfill all of the other mitzvot and live their life out like a mensch. It probably did not mean that one should only learn Torah while ignoring all other aspects of life such as kibbud av va’eim, lushon hurah, respect for your neighbor, making a living, brushing your teeth, or taking a shower.
Nevertheless, it is commonly accepted today that all life is meaningless without learning Torah. Jewish girls often speak of wanting a chusan who learns. This is of course before all of their friends start moving to a big house on Long Island.
One should always remember the story of Rabbi Akiva who started learning only when he was in his thirties. He saw water that had eroded part of a rock, and reasoned that if water could slowly wear away at a rock the words of the Torah could slowly wear away his brain. He then spent years away from his wife and children while he studied Torah all day and night. The lesson here is that it is never too late to brainwash yourself and block out all other aspects of life, including love, lust, and sanity.
When one makes the admirable decision to devote their lives to learning Torah there will often be those who disparage you for not earning a living while your wife has to work three jobs while caring for your twelve children all the while you stroll into schul for the 9:00 minyan every morning and then spend the day discussing the NFL draft while keeping an open mesechet Nedda’rim in front of you and your chavruta. Always remember that it is people like you that are preventing G-d from unleashing his wrath against such a filthy and unpure world. Your wife’s and children’s unhappiness and life of poverty is but a small price to pay for the tremendous good that your learning is bringing into the world. Besides, it beats having to get on the subway at 7:30 every morning or having to file a tax return. Baruch Hashem for tzaddikim like you. Hashem will provide.
CHAPTER 11: THE JEW IN PUBLIC
Living in a goiyeshe world is the lot of most Jewish people today. Even in Eretz Yisroel, the vile immorality of the Edomites has infected the majority of modern Israelis with their “culture,” their “progress,” and their “advances.” Therefore, it is imperative that each and every Jew remember that he or she is a member of an Ahm Kadosh and that they must constantly act to demonstrate their differences from the public at large. Only by consistently being different can Jews truly be an Ohr La’Goiyim – a light unto the nations (or is it blight?). The following is a brief guide on how a Jew should behave when in the presence of those who, shall we say, won’t have the same cheleck of Olam Habah that the rest of us do.
A) Jewish Men: The Masters of Mentschluch’keit
1) Do not spend too much time getting dressed, lest someone think that you care more about your appearance than about Torah. In fact, some chachamim actually recommend spending time making sure that you look disheveled rather than sheveled. This way people will assume that you didn’t spend a lot of time getting dressed because you were too wrapped up in learning Torah. Proper dress will include:
a) Let your tzittzis drip out your pants, pockets, and fly as though you are a homeless man with your clothes in taters (remember, great Jewish men from Mordechai to Yirmiyahu the Navi tore their clothes to lament the destruction of the Bais Hamikdash. Are you better than they are?). This is the only acceptable way of fulfilling the mitzvah of U’re'eetem O’tam. In addition, if anyone wants to inspect your bris, your fly is already open. This saves time for more Torah study.
b) Wear the same crumpled, stained, and wrinkled black suit that you have worn every day since your bar mitzvah. In so doing, you demonstrate that you have been too preoccupied by Torah to worry about purchasing new clothes. The suit must be black, though dark gray is also allowed by some authorities. Others simply say that the gray they are allowing is nothing more than a black suit that is so dirt-stained that it appears gray.
c) UNLESS YOU ARE GOING TO SCHUL OR A SIMCHA, DO NOT WEAR A NECKTIE. Neckties were worn by the worshippers of Ba’al as a sign of their devotion to performing Avodah Zara. This also explains why the “modern orthodox” segments of the population insist on performing a constant chillul hashem by wearing ties. If your employer insists that you wear a tie, be sure it is stained, and improperly fastened. You could also tie it in a knot around your shventzel to cut off the circulation. This way, you will also be performing the mitzvah of preventing yourself from getting aroused.
d) Of course, when going to schul or a simcha the necktie makes a convenient napkin or handkerchief for when Jewish mucus runs out from your considerably large Jewish proboscis. Since no goiyim are around at these events (you aren’t one of those apikorsim who invites non-Jews to your simchas, are you?) you won’t have to worry about them thinking that you worship their devil-deities.
e) A black hat should be placed on your head on the day of your bar mitzvah, and you should not be seen in public without it until the day you die unless the wind knocks it off your head (running down the street after a wind-blown black hat, with one hand holding your tephilin and another one securing your velvet yarmulke to your head is an age old Jewish tradition, and the epitome of Jewish masculinity. Shadchans and mothers of unmarried frummah-maidelehs witnessing this tradition is no doubt responsible for getting many a young buchor married. When they see you running down the street, they know they must have you for their young girls).
f) Showering and the brushing of teeth are modern innovations that have been selfishly heaped upon the world by so called “enlightened” people. In fact, it is just a ploy to get us to stop learning Torah again. If Moishe Rabeinu didn’t need to rub Irish Spring on his body, then you don’t either. If people complain about your smell, it is simply because they mistake the aroma of Torah and yichus for poor hygiene. True good hygiene is derived from proper Torah study. If you are someone who just naturally appears to have what the goiyim consider “good hygiene” you may want to consider rubbing some chulent on yourself before the leaving the house. Be sure to lodge lima beans in your beard and between your teeth.
g) If you need to carry something somewhere, be sure to put it in a bright orange Glatt Mart bag. This is the Jewish equivalent of a Saks Fifth Avenue bag.
h) Facial hair should be allowed to sprout as the Eibeshte sees fit.
i) Shoes should be black, big, hard, and bulky. The opposite of a Jewish shventzel. The shoes will also get far more use.
j) A Jew wears glasses whether he needs them or not. This demonstrates proper humility and allows Jews the opportunity to perform a Kiddush hashem by not fighting back when some goiyishe hooligans assault you and break your glasses.
k) You should always carry your tephelin with you, even at midnight. A sefer should also be carried, preferably something really obscure that nobody else has ever heard of. This, of course, will lead others to the assumption that you have mastered the 80,000 other “routine” seforim that it is the duty of all Jewish men to know by heart by the age of 16. I would suggest something by Rav Shmuly-Yitzy-Avrumy-Shraggy-Farfel Karp, also known as the Gefilte Fish. His little known treatise on the hallochos Korban-Olah V’Yored is a very appropriate and practical area of study these days.
l) Jewish men have an incredible ability to blend into their environments. If for some reason, you should want to hide your Jewishness, all you need to do is cover your head with a baseball cap, and nobody will be the wiser. If you don’t believe me, just go see it done for yourself. You will be amazed how a Jewish man roller blading around Marine Park in Brooklyn wearing black dress slacks, a white-button down dress shirt, and glasses can literally seem to *POOF!* morph into a goy when he simply puts on an North Carolina University Tarheels baseball cap over his velvet yarmulke. No one will ever realize that he is Jewish. Use this power wisely.
2) When walking down a street, a Jewish man must always remember that the yetzer harah may be around the next corner just looking to pray upon any weakness in the Jewish character. Therefore, several precautions must be taken:
a) Always look at the ground, and away from other people. This will prevent you from accidentally seeing a woman dressed like Dinah when she was picked up by Schem ben Chamor. It will also give you a head start over the goiyim in searching for pennies that people have dropped.
b) Always walk quickly and methodically. The Yetzer Harah will have a hard time catching up with you. If you bump into people, don’t apologize – just keep moving. Much like the Agents in the movie The Matrix, the yetzer harah can be anyone you bump into. To be safe, assume everyone is the yetzer harah and treat everyone rudely.
c) When boarding a bus or train, be sure to push your way in before anyone else to put as much room between yourself and the Yetzer Harah, who is no doubt behind you. On the bus or train, sit ONLY in an end seat, and place your bright orange Glatt-Mart bag on the seat next to you. This has the dual purpose of preventing the yetzer harah from sitting next to you or, worse yet, a woman. Feh.
d) It is advisable to mutter to yourself. This way, women who see you will simply think you’re crazy and won’t offer to sleep with you. Other men, meanwhile, will not offer you to sleep with their sisters. You cannot discount this possibility given that all of the goiyim are in perpetual awe of Jewish yichus and are naturally inclined to have frummah-yidden descend from their impure families.
e) Be sure to always have your sefer marked off somewhere in the middle, even if you haven’t read a word yet. This way, people will think you have. When in public, use every possible opportunity to open the sefer and pretend to read. Be sure to look around to make sure people are watching you study (you holy man, you!). If nobody is looking, just give a cough or hock up some phlegm to garner attention. Good opportunities to resume pretending to study include: on crowded buses and trains, on line at the grocery store, and while at red lights while driving.
B) Jewish Women: The Champions of Chastity
1) Always remember your duty, as Bahs Yisroel, to safeguard the tznius’nis of the world. Therefore, dress as follows:
a) Every morning we say in the Tephilat Ha’Yom “Today is the ____ day of the Shabbat when the Levi’im would come and say as follows. . . “Therefore, every day of the week is an extension of Shabbos. Therefore, we must dress as though it were Shabbos every day. That means that you must wear fancy-shmancy clothes, everyday, everywhere, regardless of where you are headed. How fancy? Fancy enough that you should not have to ask the question “Am I dressed fancy enough?” Fancy enough that you could entertain the Queen of England (or some other important goy) at a state dinner. Fancy enough that the other women will be tempted to speak loshon harah about how your husband is such a crook in business and doesn’t pay his taxes so you can afford such fancy clothes. That’s how fancy. Note: Location does NOT come into play when getting dressed, either. Whether you are headed to a wedding, schul, the store, or just to clean out the gutters there is no reason that a Jewish woman should not look her best.
b) There is simply nothing to discuss. A skirt, regardless of how short, how see-through, and no matter how high up your thigh and into your ass-crack the slit goes, is always more tsznius’dick than a pair of the most frumpy, baggy, stained, overstuffed, and smelly pants. Skirts should also be worn while roller skating, bicycle riding, or at the beach.
c) Make-up is not an option. It is a requirement, even if you are simply going to pick up a tattalleh from chaider. You never know when you will bump into your future chusan, shadchan, machatainim, or those of your children. You should always be ready to make quite an impression.
d) Shoes should be very shiny, and have high heels. Even when mountain climbing.
e) A handbag should be by a famous designer, or at least a really good knock-off.
f) Stockings are to be worn even on the hottest day of the year.
g) Do I even have to mention the covering of your hair? It has been proven that a woman’s hair is the most attractive part of her body, and therefore must be kept out of sight of filthy men who have absolutely no ability to control their disgusting urges. If, chas v’shalom, you realize that you are a) outside and b) have uncovered hair, you must immediately stop what you are doing and cover your hair with the first thing you can find. This includes plastic bags lying in the sewers, wet newspapers, old broken umbrellas, used styrafoam packaging from a fast-food restaurant, potting soil, or even the vomit of homeless man. Clearly, the Eibeshte had him vomit expressly for this purpose.
h) Clothes should cover as much skin as possible. Not relevant, however, is how tight around said skin said clothes can be.
i) A small book of tehilim should be glued to a frummah-maideleh’s hand at all times. It should be the leather-bound copy that the Rabbi of your seminary in Israel gave you when you finally “saw the beauty of Hakadosh Baruch Hoo” after your final night of drinking, dropping ecstasy, and getting plowed by seven chayalim at one time.
2) When walking down the street you must move very quickly since men are attracted to you. This rule, however, is cancelled if more than two Jewish women are walking together. In that case, they must move slower than everyone else and be sure to get in everyone’s way. This is to remember Yit’tziat Mitzrayim.
3) On Shabbos, be sure to arrive in schul late so everyone can see your fancy, new $5000 hat. You may also want to parade yourself around a few other schuls in the neighborhood, even if your family doesn’t daven there.
C) For All Jews In General
1) Cars
a) Ahl pee hallachah, you may only own one of two types of cars:
(i) An overpriced, options-loaded Lexus, Cadillac, Acura, or Infiniti. Be sure that the car’s logo is always on display somewhere on your person (on your keys, your wallet, or just remove the logo medallion and carry it around with you) so that people will know how the Eibeshte has blessed your obviously pious family. Also, remind everyone how the lease on your Lexus LS 400 is almost up and you not sure what to get next.
(ii) A run-down, ten-year-old, American made station wagon. EACH STATION WAGON MUST HAVE AT LEAST TWO OF THE FOLLOWING OPTIONS: a coat hanger antenna, a dent on the rear passenger side, masking tape over a smashed brake light, a corroded and rusted rear bumper, a bumper-sticker warning about loshon harah, or an expired inspection sticker.
b) It is also important, at this point, to stress that women should not drive as it is very un-tzni’us’dick.
2) Shopping:
a) As a general rule, you should try to patronize only stores that are owned by frummah-yidden, though the shulchan aruch allows you to go to the non-Jewish owned stores if they have the same item for 10% less. The Rama’h says it must be at least 15%.
b) When shopping in stores, be sure to get right on line, even if you need to get 20 more items. This way, you will be ready to check out when you are done regardless of how crowded the store is. This saves time for more limud Torah. Just leave one of your little tattallehs to watch over the triple-stroller in the check-out lane. You will marvel over how tolerant the goiyim are over being held up by you. And if you forgot an item, wait until the total has been added up before you decide whether to go back and retrieve it. Be sure you are getting the least expensive item of its kind even if it takes a few minutes of comparison.
c) If you accidentally knock a bottle off a shelf and it shatters making a mess, be considerate and alert the store manager to call the mop-goy to clean it up. Don’t offer to pay for it unless they’ll give it to you for half price (the bottle is broken, after all).
d) The Gemmorah in masechet Chillul Hashem tells us that check-out lines that are posted “10 items or less” are meant only for the goiyim. Go ahead and get on with you three wagon-fulls of items.
e) There is no amount of money too trivial to ask for a price check (way to shatter those stereotypes, yidden). Saving three cents off a $255.29 total may one day make the difference between having an extra side dish at the smorges-board at your son’s future chassunah.
f) Do not feel ashamed to pay for your items with your Food Stamp or WIC cards even if you are wearing a $10,000 streimel or fur coat. If the goiyishe government wants to give you money, who are you to refuse?
3) If you should find yourself at a public event, such as a sporting contest, a show, or a movie (though why you are there rather than learning Torah, I just don’t know), be sure to comport yourself properly. It is not widely known that the social grace of turning off a cell-phone ringer is suspended for Jews since we all must keep in contact with each other in case the Moshiach comes, or in case Surah-Leiye-Shprintze’s daughter Faigy-Gittel finds herself a chusan. While the goiyim are not aware of this rule, simply explain it to them and even their heathen souls will understand.
4) There is no such thing as a bad time to say a k’pitel of tehilim. This includes while riding the subway, on line at Shop-Rite, while talking to a policeman, during job interviews, while giving testimony at a trial, or during a moment of silence at a public event. Say it loud enough so that others can hear you and say amen.
5) Interaction With Goiyim (or Jews not as Frum as you) If you are ever asked a question or spoken to by a goy on the streets, please abide by the following procedures:
a) Your smartest bet is to turn around and run, even if they just wanted to know which way Fourth Street is. You never know what these mischievous goiyim have up their sleeves. While running you should also scream on the top of your lungs: “OY! MEN SHLOGT YIDDEN!” (Help! Jews are being beaten!)
b) If you are considering responding, do consider who asked the question. If it is someone of the opposite sex, they may be trying to seduce you into bed. If they are of the same sex, they may be trying to seduce you into bed. Once again, I must suggest turning around and running.
c) If you decide to respond, you should keep your eyes looking towards the ground. This has the dual purpose of avoiding looking at some of them, lest some of their unmentionables be hanging out of their clothing (which, given the morals of the goiyim, is never out of the question), while at the same time demonstrates to them how humble and weak you are. Maybe they’ll take rachmunus on you and let you keep your wallet once they kick your ass.
d) If the goy speaking to you is an elderly person, give yourself at least five feet of space between you in case he or she decides to thrash you. If they are not an old person, give yourself ten feet before you start to answer. Just slowly and cautiously back away, and then begin your response.
e) If you are confronted by any ethnic minority, just give them your wallet, break your own tephilin and glasses, punch yourself in the mouth, and knock out a few of your own teeth. You’ll save time this way, and have more time later for learning Torah.
6) Always be sure to guard against ma’arat eiyin. Even when doing something innocent, if it can be seen by others as a chait, you are prohibited from doing it since the others will no doubt be tempted to spread loshon harah about you. If, for example, your child is on fire and the nearest source of water or telephone is in a McDonald’s, you should search for a kosher restaurant. Otherwise, people may say that you eat at non-kosher restaurants and as a result your child was burned to death. Even if your child survives, he’ll have a hell of a time finding a kallah, what with a parent that goes into a McDonald’s.
7) You should also do your best to prevent causing a chilul hashem. So, for heaven’s sake, take off your yarmulke and tuck in your tzittzis before you go pick up that transvestite prostitute.
8) At Work
a) It is the curse of Adam HaRishon that we must work for our bread. This is due, of course, to Chava, the first woman, who whorishly tempted man into sinning the first chance she got, setting a precedent for all women for all eternity, but I’m getting off topic here. Anyway, many a man is forced to earn parnasa to support his learning and to feed his tattallehs if he cannot find a girl with a rich father to marry.
b) If you are fortunate, you may find a job within the Jewish community, so there should be no problems unless you get into an argument with your boss over the interpretation of piece of Gemmorah.
c) If you are forced to work outside the community, remember that you are a liaison between the Jewish world and the Goiyim. You must demonstrate to them the proper way to live and be an Ohr LaGoiyim. Therefore:
(i) Always ask everyone else you work with to daven with you. They will see what a joy it is to mutter words in a foreign language three times a day.
(ii) If any man in your place of employment hasn’t had a bris, give him one.
(iii) Be sure to show everyone the joys of Shabbos when leaving early on Fridays. They won’t resent you one iota.
(iv) Cover your locker with pictures of great Rabbis. This will contrast nicely with the pictures of porno stars that other guys have.
(v) Always remind anyone you speak with to say Krias Shma.
(vi) Show how pious you are by not participating in any office or workplace function. Be sure to explain to them that your religion prohibits you from socializing with non-Jews lest they cause you to sin.
(vii) If anyone offers to share their food with you, explain the laws of kashrus to them.
(viii) Be considerate! Don’t say Shmonah Esrei in a high-traffic walk area. Instead, use the employee lounge and ask for silence.
(ix) During the Omer, be sure all of your employer’s clients understand why it is you are growing a shaggy beard.
(x) Ask your workmates to participate in the seasonal rituals, such as the burning of chammetz and waving a chicken over their head for kaparos.
(xi) Be sure to point out how immodest your female coworkers are dressed. They’ll really appreciate it.
(xii) Don’t feel ashamed to take off for days such as La’g Ba’Omer, Yom Yerushalayim, Tu B’Shvat, or any day where we say Hallel, such as Rosh Chodesh. If the goiyim can take off for Christmas, Good Friday, Memorial Day, or other days that don’t even have the rules of muktza, you can take off on your silly holidays as well.
(xiii) If there are any members of Amalek in your office, be sure to smite them. Also, remember what they did to you on Shabbos Zachor. Bastards.
(xiv) Tuck your peiyus behind your ears when going to speak with your boss. Use some hair gel to have it stick to your ear lobes.
(xv) When selecting a shirt to wear to work in the morning, try to find one with the fewest possible chrain and chulent-grease stains on it.
CHAPTER 12: MISCALANEOUS MITZVAHS AND AVEIRAHS
A) Mezzuzah: All Jews must affix to their door posts a small box containing parchment on which is inscribed verses from the Torah. This is a mezzuzah and it works a lot like a lucky rabbit’s foot. Kiss it as you enter and exit a room and nothing bad will ever happen to you. Unless you are a traifa yid.
B) Shatnez: A Jew’s clothes must not be made of a combination of fabrics from an animal (wool) and that of a tree (linen). Why you ask? After 40 plus pages you’re just now going to question some stupidity that we do?
C) Tzittzit: The Torah commands all Jewish men to wear fringes on the corners of a garment that they wear. These are tzittzit and the purpose they serve is to make us look silly. It also helps anti-Semites pick us out for beatings.
D) Chilul Hashem: It is imperative that a Jew guard himself against behaving poorly while out in public when non-Jews could see him or her bringing a bad reputation to Jews. If you are a rabbi and insist on molesting children at least have the decency to not get caught. When in private, gezzunta hait, sin all you want.
E) Lushon Hurrah: One of the most common sins that everyone transgresses is that of Lushon Hurah: Evil Speech. This is most commonly known as gossip and the sad thing is that not many people would ever go to schul were it not to hear the latest on how Malkie is divorcing Shloimy because he is still having an affair with a shiksa. Just be sure to pray extra hard in between the rumors, chit-chat, and tittle-tattle. Saying a few extra passages will surely make up for the lifetime of humiliation you are bringing to other people who obviously have enough problems.
F) Ma’arat Ayin: Try your best to avoid doing anything that could be interpreted as sinful by anyone who may have been watching. For teenage girls, this means never going into public until they are wed lest everyone who sees you have sick fantasies about who you are about to go sleep with. You girls are such evil, foul temptresses always leading good, pure Jewish men to sin.
G) Peiyis: Jewish men are required to not shave their sideburn area. The reason is because, in ancient times, the priests of Ba’al would shave their entire heads (especially their sideburns. Ba’al hated sideburns). So, to show the world that we don’t worship Ba’al we don’t shave our sideburns. Otherwise, everyone would just assume we do worship Ba’al and we can’t have that. The proper way to observe the mitzva is to never even trim the sideburns. Instead, grow them from infancy and then twirl it around the back of your ear like a greasy piece of string. Nothing defines masculinity like a Jewish teenager with curly locks dripping down the side of his head and around his ear.
H) Shaving: A Jewish man must not shave off his facial hair with the edge of a knife, blade, or razor. This is because many priests of ancient religions would – as part of their sacrilegious rituals – shave off all of the hair on their heads. The religions included worshiping Ba’al, Ashtoret, Kojak, and Mr. Clean. Therefore, to prevent anyone from thinking that Jews worship Ba’al or Telly Savalis, we only use electric shavers, or pull the hair out with out fingertips. You can also wax your face.
CHAPTER13: DEATH AND BEREAVEMENT
A) Death
1) Jews look at death as G-d’s way of saying that you have gone over your allotted mileage on your car lease. In other words, it’s not the end, it’s just the end of the current model that you’re using right now. That model is your body, and it gets worn out after a while (or after being hit by a bus). Regardless of the philosophical views, there are many rules that must be followed when someone dies.
2) Immediately upon the death of a Yid, the chevra kaddisha must be summoned. They will remove the body, wash and prepare it for burial, and transport it to the funeral home. They will also keep the body company all night reading stories or tehilim to the body.
3) The Jewish funeral is the opposite of the way Jews lead their lives: downplayed, cheap, and quick. The coffin must only be made of wood, and no metal or artificial parts of any kind. The wood snaps together or is attached by pegs. The body is cleaned, and dressed in a kittel, the same garment that the individual wore during his wedding prompting many a comment from the peanut gallery on this coincidence.
4) The funeral is short and low on speeches. The body is not viewed. There is no singing. Kel Malei Rachamim is said where we wish the departed goodbye and kaddish is read by the mourners. And there is nothing funny about it.
5) After the funeral, the body is taken to the cemetery where it is buried as soon as possible. Jewish gravestones are modestly marked and must contain no pictures. It is polite, however, to have a Jewish star on the stone to make it easier for neo-Nazis to identify and tip over or desecrate.
B) Bereavement and Mourning
1) As soon as someone in a Jewish family dies, the surviving immediate family go into A’vel and known as A’veilim. Initially, before the body is buried, these family members are exempt from all positive mitzvot. Therefore, the rabbis insist that body be buried ASAP so that we can get back to praying to a G-d that we are furious at for just having taken a loved one from us.
2) After the burial, the family members sit Shiva, meaning “seven” until the seventh day after burial. During the Shiva, the family mourners must not leave the place where they are sitting, nor are they supposed to care for themselves. The mirrors are covered, they do not shave, and they do not groom themselves. In sum, the individual should show no concern for his or her hygiene or physical condition. In certain frum communities, therefore, it is not much different from the rest of the year.
3) During Shiva, the mourners sit on chairs low to the ground or on boxes. They do not wear shoes and must wear a garment that his been torn signifying grief. They should also refrain from doing common recreational activities such as watching television or listening to the radio for entertainment purposes though, in truth, given what’s on nowadays, watching television would only increase their anguish and pain.
4) Since the mourners are limited to the home, the community must come to them. A temporary schul is set up in the place where the sitting takes place, and friends and family come to comfort and pray with the bereaved. It is also absolutely necessary to set up tin pans with notes in them that read “Yeshiva HaGeddolah D’Boro Park” or “Rabbi Blumenfield’s Embezzlement Case Appellate Fund.”
5) On the morning of the seventh day of Shiva, the mourners leave the home and walk around the neighborhood to show the world that they are no longer sitting Shiva. While they are out have them pick up a pizza and a six pack.
6) The mourners now enter a new period called “Shloshim” meaning thirty. It lasts for thirty days (duh) and while it is not as strict as Shiva, there are still certain things that are prohibited. After the thirty days children of the deceased remain in Aveil for the rest of the year. The men must also say Kaddish, the prayer for the dead, every chance they get since as we all know, the soul of the deceased rises one level in heaven every time a child says Kaddish. I guess people who die with no children are screwed to rot in hell.
C) Shiva Calls
1) When someone you knew dies or is sitting Shiva, it is proper to make a Shiva call. I recommend doing it the first day or two before it gets really crowded.
2) It can be difficult to know how to behave when making a Shiva call. Don’t say hello or goodbye. A simple nod is enough to acknowledge arrival and departure. It’s also better not to make jokes such as “Hey why the sad faces? Somebody die around here?” upon your entry.
3) You may find that groups of people congregate at certain areas of the home where the Shiva is being held for various reasons, to the exclusion of those sitting Shiva. Even if the purpose is to study Talmud, or discuss various hallachic issues, one should remember that comforting the bereaved takes supremacy in this type of a situation. The only exception that is universally accepted is if a child in the home has a new Playstation II.
4) When preparing to leave the home, one should simply rise and say the following “Hama’kom yi’nachem et’chem b’toch sha’ar avlei tzion v’yerushalayim.” If you’re one of the multitudes of people who cannot memorize this eight word phrase, just mumble and everyone will assume you said the passage.
5) The mourners can, and are encouraged, to go to the synagogue on Sabbos even while they sit Shiva. While the will pray mincha with everyone else, they must leave the room for most of Kabbalat Shabbat due to its happy overtones. As soon as L’cha Doe-Dee is said, the person may return to the room. The congregation recites the above “Ha’makom” passage, or may instead choose instead to say the Yul Brenner line from The Ten Commandments: “Bring the Hebrew in.”
6) After Shabbos, Shiva commences. Avoid visits on Saturday night because it’s usually a madhouse.
A FINAL THOUGHT
Always remember that being Jewish has little, if anything, to do with God and spirituality. What it has to do with is appearance. I would like to thank all of the countless hypocrites I have encountered my life who have inspired me to write this work, especially the rabbis who look the other way while men refuse to give Gets to women they have abandoned with children, and while children are being molested. You men are fuckheads.
posted by A. P. Kores | 9:38 PM
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